Boyfriend’s living together ‘conditions’

[GlorificusT]

I recently said I’m ready to live together and what did he think. He said he’s ready to take the step in theory but it depends on some things.

He said there’s some things he’s ‘seen’ about how I live that would need to be addressed. I asked for an example, he said the way a light switch broke three months ago and I haven’t fixed it. The light still works but the fitting doesn’t - I need a joiner, but I’ve been paying for a lot of more critical things like a washing machine.

He said the way I leave the dishes to dry overnight rather than drying them there and then. Then he said there’s ‘a few other things I’ve noticed’ but didn’t expand!

Tbh I feel annoyed. I love him and proposed this in the spirit of wanting to live with him but he seems to have been keeping a list of cons in his head.

His criticism makes me feel like I’m auditioning to live with him, AIBU?

OK. Just saw your last post. Sounds like he does have some good qualities.
I think you should tell him how his listing your faults has made you feel and see what he says. Does he have nit picking parents? Maybe that's been drilled into him and he needs to learn to compromise a bit. Hopefully the answer with things like the dishes is you wash, he dries... but not getting a light switch fixed when you have other more urgent expenses I think you should fight your case on that and tell him it shows how good you are at prioritising the important things.
Overall, I'd say make jolly sure you are both able to discuss these issues Before you consider moving in.

Fix the switch and the relationship.

Get rid of both.

His conditions are giving 'sleeping with the enemy' vibes. Proceed with caution.

"Hopefully the answer with things like the dishes is you wash, he dries"

No! She's right and he's wrong.

But I could.

Someone on here said it’s the annoying things at the beginning that break you up at the end.
Don’t move in. Enjoy being together in separate spaces. It’s you that will lose out Op if you don’t.

I'm 8 years living with my other half and we are still finding "trivial" things that annoy each other. Whenever we do, we tell the other person and either change or reach a compromise...

How would he cope with children if you ever decided to have any in the future, the house is never tidy with kids and you would be mentally and physically exhausted trying to keep the house up to his standard...nope run now!

Christ, don’t move him in.

Maybe he is or would be excited once he’s given it some thought and knows it will work. Honestly the love trumps all BS won’t work, how many threads on here do we see about couples arguing or resenting each other over the mundane tasks? He doesn’t like dishes out overnight then fine one of you wash the other dry… sorted. He’s not unreasonable for wanting a conversation about these things, if you run in blind you’ll fall

If he can’t handle a singular biscuits crumbs, he’s not going to handle being a dad. Most kids are messy, chaotic, loud and unpredictable. Your boyfriend isn’t going to enjoy it if he can’t handle dishes drying over night.

Doesn't sound much of a catch. What a turn off that he didn't even offer to help fix your switch. I would find that extremely emasculating.

my dh just move in with me didnt give a shit about plates on a draining board we were exite to be together

my sisters partner is like this an it just got worse she ant leave anyting out he loses it-shes stuk for now

@Wishingplenty hes hopeless at DIY. I’m better.

he just means I didn’t get it resolved, ie a joiner out to sort it.

But if you are in the house too then that means you are also leaving it to drip dry and leaving things broken!

I understand his ASD means he needs a degree of order.

But he isn’t really like this day to day. I feel like I hoped my partner would be excited for the next step but there seems to be no optimism on his side. It is bothering me.

if we plan a trip or a day out he’s excited or anticipatory. Not here it seems…

Like a PP says he may well get excited once we agree the rules and he can envision the future together.

But I should also acknowledge how his approach has made me feel.

Good point @Calliopespa
I've edited as OP has since said he has ASD. Even so it has upset her so maybe it's not the right relationship.
Having someone criticise what you do every single day wears you down and it's not a healthy relationship if one person feels constantly belittled and not good enough for their partner. It is a tricky one.

I think most of the posters on this thread complaining about their husbands who never do the chores should've taken a leaf out of the OP's boyfriend's book.

I initially misread the first post and thought one of his conditions was washing up dishes instead of leaving dirty ones overnight - I don't think that would be a controversial condition to anyone? I'd have laughed in his face at the idea of drying instead of leaving to drip-dry though.

He’s not excited because he can’t see it working.
Maybe you can make it work ( I think the evidence shows people that live together do often work stuff out) but honestly it sounds more trouble than it’s worth.

I wonder if you have seen your BF as he works within the rules for his place,and the rules for your place. The ripples for cohabiting may well be different and he may carry over what he learnt from his parent's home life. This will be the template for him.
I don’t say this lightly as it is what I very slowly recognised after many years of issues with my DH. We got on brilliantly as a distance relationship. It was when we moved in together the challenges emerged. We both now realise he is autistic, as is our DC. Years down the line I wish I’d known you can’t expect anyone to change.
Your idea of a trial run is a very good one. Give it a good period to let each others habits/preferences really show. You may find his rule set matches yours. If not you’ll have found out early on.

He sounds like an insufferable bore at best an ocd at worst. He will drive you mad passive aggressively. Run.

There are these kind of issues coming up even before living together?! Run a mile - seriously! 🏃‍♀️🚩

Put him in the bin and get a real man.

It’s a ‘pick your battles’ type situation really though isn’t it. If he wants to spend his time and energy drying dishes, when OP is happy to leave them to air dry, then that’s on him.

The actual household task they’re discussing here is irrelevant. It could be anything. Maybe the OP’s partner insists that toilet roll should be hung down to the back, rather than to the front. What is correct is that he doesn’t berate OP if she hangs it to the front on occasions that she changes the toilet roll, instead of telling her she’s doing it wrong.

I don’t like the way my husband puts cheese on a baked potato first and then the beans on top, but if he’s making me dinner then I don’t moan about it. I just do it my way when I make dinner.