SIL furious about Mother’s Day, were we wrong?

[FreakingOutRightNow123]

Background:

I have no children so always see my parent’s on the actual Mother’s Day / Father’s Day to celebrate.

I have several siblings who are parents themselves however and quite rightly the actual day is about celebrating them / their partners so they organise something with my parents for another day.

This has been our usual routine for years.

The situation:

My siblings took my parents out for lunch to celebrate Mother’s Day last Saturday; this included my DB. I didn’t attend as I already had plans with my parents for yesterday.

DB was supposed to be taking SIL and their 2 children out to celebrate Mother’s Day yesterday however late Saturday afternoon, SIL’s mother called to say she was back early from holiday (after having an argument with her partner) so was available to celebrate Mother’s Day after all and invited all her children and grandchildren to her house but NOT their partners as she wanted to just spend time with her children and grandchildren only. SIL decided to take her mum up on her offer and cancelled with DB saying her mum was probably upset about the falling out with her partner, they could celebrate another time etc. Considering it was Mother’s Day, DB accepted it with good grace as at the end of that day it was SIL’s day so he wanted her to do what she wanted.

My plan was to cook for my parents at home however DB called to explain the situation and asked if we wanted to go out to eat as he had a reservation for 4 people going begging (it was too late to cancel and he would have lost his £200 deposit) so my parents and I agreed and went to the restaurant he originally planned to take SIL and the kids too. Now just to be clear, I paid for everyone in full (gave DB back his deposit) as it was supposed to be my treat anyway.

SIL is now furious with all four of us and our “disgusting behaviour” and after several tongue lashings is not speaking to any of us.

The way I see it, SIL cancelled in favour of her mother and so DB was at a loose end (we didn’t hijack him away from her), he was going to lose £200 for the reservation but now hasn’t (in fact he got a free meal out of it) and SIL is still free to go to the restaurant another time like she suggested herself. It’s also not like DB spent the day doing anything nefarious either, he literally spent Mother’s Day with his mother only because SIL wasn’t available. I honestly don’t see how SIL lost out by us going instead.

So were we wrong?

Oh and just to be clear, there is nothing particularly meaningful or special about the restaurant other than that it does good food; we’ve all been there several times both together and separately. In fact, we’ve been going there as a family long before SIL was even in the picture so the particular restaurant is not the issue.

So she just wanted her husband to be bored on who’s own with nothing to do and no company?

This is exactly what I was thinking when I read OPs situation. "I can't believe they all went out and enjoyed themselves whilst I'm having such a terrible time on my special day - so insensitive!!" the MIL could well be a controlling drama queen who loves to stir things up. There are some people who excel at making holidays and special days blow up in everyone's faces, and I'm willing to bet she's one of them.

This is still on SIL though, most reasonable people would not completely fly off the handle like that, even if they have had a shitty time (which, to be fair to her, she probably did). I could understand her feeling very short-changed that her plans turned to shit, but it's not OP & husband's fault and her behaviour was appalling.

@FreakingOutRightNow123 i was going to say that SIL and her mother sound as bad and as selfish.
Just read your update . So yes it’s very much both of their problems. .
O can’t believe the Mil excludes the men /partners made everyone change their plans .
Then her Dd gets all upset as anyone dares have a nice time without her. .

I think you and your parents should stand up to her and you could maybe speak to your brother about doing the same. .

Sounds like a lovely lunch /day glad you all had the opportunity .

She's being ridiculous.

When people say if you don't know I can't help you, what they mean is they know full well they are being ridiculous and if they actually tell you then it will be obvious they are being unreasonable.

This

Either DB had angled it as him paying for the dinner himself/not needing to go back because he's been/not liking it

You're not wrong, she's a total dick.

I'd never behave like her in a million years usually, however, I dislike my husband's brother SO much that if I found out he'd gone out with him on Mothers Day, I'd probably go into fucking orbit. All common sense and morality would go out the window, I'd just combust. Could it be that she really really dislikes you, and you've not realised?

From your update it does seem that her mum was being difficult to her and she took it out on you and DB because she was jealous and annoyed that her day was ruined and that you guys had a good time.

That is absolutely no excuse and if I was DB I’d be giving her both barrels and telling her to never speak to you like that again.

I feel very sorry for him.

You, your DB or your parents did absolutely nothing wrong and I think it’s lovely you all had a nice meal together.

I would not be speaking to SIL until she gave me a proper apology.

Such a helpful contribution.

Did she think the deposit could be carried over to another date? That she could have attended, that would be unlikely and she would still be out of order. She is obviously jealous that you all had a nice meal and she had a difficult day with her mum.

Agree. And also she sounds like a stroppy cow.
You did nothing wrong.
Wait for an apology and avoid till then.

Yup, it sounds like OP and parents should've gone out without him, let him lose his deposit, then she would have been happy!

It's baffling really, has she even stopped to think? Is she actually jealous that he wasn't moping at home? What a cow bag!

And that doesn't even explain why she's so angry with OP.. is she not supposed to go out with her brother and parents. What is going on in this woman's head?

She sounds nuts quite frankly

It needs to be pointed out to her that she has selfishly ruined your DM's Mothers Day, with her tantrum. I'd want norhing to do with her after this, and that's very out of character for me.

YANBU.

It seems like SIL is pissed off that her DH had a nicer day than she did - she spent it probably listening to a load of bitching and moaning about her DM’s partner and wallowing in the drama of an abandoned holiday … surrounded by lots of likely bored children. Her DH went for a lovely lunch child free at a restaurant she obviously thought was special enough, and wanted to go enough, to make it her choice for Mother’s Day. She’s just jealous. She can feel that way if she likes … but to even say it never mind dish out tirades of anger is unhinged.

Hopefully she calms down, (sobers up?), and apologies to you all.

Hold up. Table for 4 that your db booked/paid deposit. 4 as in originally him, your sil and 2 dc? Did she then have to look after the dc because he was off to nice restaurant with you? I can’t otherwise see why sil is so angry?

Also, why did your db then get the restaurant for free and why did you pay him the entire £200 deposit back?

Op clearly says that the SIL decided to go and see her mother on the day. The Sil mother had come back early from her holiday due to a row with her partner.
The mother only wanted her children and grandchildren going round, (rude).

Op Db was then free to do what ever he wished.

Op paid for the meal as her db has or will be paying for the other meal that they have/had planned for their mother.

This was an impromptu meal because the sil had changed the plan.

I feel sorry for the op brother, and think Sil sound dreadful, nasty and unhindged.

I'm not getting why people are hung up on the db not paying for dinner! In families, sometimes it's nice to pay for your sibling. Giving him his deposit back is just the same as paying the bill.

I’ve only read OPs posts, so sorry if this has already been said before.

I can only imagine that it’s one of the following two options:

• DB hasn’t been entirely honest with you about why his wife and kids couldn’t come to the meal anymore. Has something happened between them, falling out etc? And he has lied to you to save face, pretended that his wife had changed her plans?
• Or your SIL is just bat shit crazy.

Your SIL sounds absolutely dreadful and I can’t believe none of you stood up to her. She’s bullying you all and sounds completely deranged. You need to call her out on this. You’ve done nothing wrong - it’s madness!!

She’s nuts - avoid at all costs!

I mean, she sounds quite unhinged, but I’m wondering if the story isn’t entirely as presented. Maybe she really wanted to go for a meal with her husband and kids. Maybe she got a bit coerced into being with her mum instead (it doesn’t sound like a healthy family dynamic, what mum summons all her children but bans their partners on Mother’s Day?). Maybe she has FOG and kinda needed your DB to have her back and encourage her not to go or to come with her anyway. Maybe he was invited but didn’t want to go. When you have a dysfunctional family like that Mother’s Day can be very difficult. Maybe he promised he’d come get her early so she didn’t have to stay, but never turned up. This sounds like something between them and she has taken her anger out on you (which is not okay!). But probably if you understood the bigger picture, it would at least make more sense. Even if still shitty. I don’t think YOU have done anything wrong here.

So ... she had a shit day so she's annoyed that you all had a lovely meal that she would have had if her mother hadn't come back early and demanded her presence?

Not one of those scenarios is relevant to what happened🙄

YANBU. Your SiL is a spoilt brat. Let her stew.

But don't actively fall out with her. Just let her be for a bit. Your poor brother, though ...