Little boy wanting to be a girl

[Harrietspinelli]

My son is 5 years old and we are currently waiting for an ASD assessment.

He is brilliantly bright and outgoing - he loves playing with all things from cars to dollies but his favourite is anything to do with letters and numbers.

Recently since starting school, he’s been saying that he wants to be a girl. It started with him having a dream that this happened to all the boys in his class by magic.

I just told him lots of magical things happen in dreams but not in real life but he keeps mentioning it. It’s really hard to strike a balance with him because if you ignore to much it makes something more intriguing, but if you talk about something too much he can get obsessive over it.

I know he’s only 5 but it just feels scary. Like what if he goes to school and they encourage it. I’ve read about how autistic children are so vulnerable to this type of ideology online.

AIBU to be this worried?

Any advice, comfort or similar stories would help x

Noooo
teacher & school might champion him and do affirming things!

It’s concerning as it’s a mine field for teachers, who just want to say and do the right thing but that may be at odds with what you as his parents believe.

Little children say all sorts of stuff.

My 4-year old boy sometimes says he's a girl and giggles.

He just thinks it's funny to contradict me no matter what it is about.

He's 5. Don't do anything. When he's done being a girl he'll be a lion or a robot or something. Kids have always played pretend.

Thank you so much for this - I’m going to read through it now x

I would discreetly satisfy yourself that the school is not affiliated to Stonewall (stated mission to target children from 2 up with the message that it’s possible for them to ‘choose’ whether they are a boy or a girl) or has a well meaning teacher enthusiastically reinforcing sex stereotypes by drawing attention to the fact that he likes ‘girls’ things and therefore he must be a girl inside.

If you are happy that the message is not coming from an adult then I would just gently stay firm that he is a boy and it’s ok to choose whatever clothes/toys/hairstyle that he likes.

People who say that they are trans and ‘always knew they were really a girl’ are unfortunately rewriting history as no person can know what it is to be the opposite sex. If adults want to do that to manage their life issues that’s ok but we must be very careful not to confuse children who often take things literally.

I fervently wished I was a pony but thankfully no affirmative action was taken by my parents.

Thanks for the detailed advice. Not meaning to sound stupid, but how would I find that out discreetly?

You're not wrong to have this concern. Some activist teachers are causing real problems (I have family experience of this).

However, I would be surprised if there are very many of these teachers around and I suspect they'd make themselves known to you, so I wouldn't 'trouble trouble' unnecessarily. I also think it's less of an issue when your child is very young. The family member I'm talking about was well into her teens.

So, I wouldn't worry too much right now. Just keep reinforcing at home that there is no right way to be a boy (or a girl). Boys can play with any kind of toys they like, dress how they like, etc, etc.

Well no one said he was born in the wrong body but dressing up as a superhero and pretending to be one did happen.

It is a phase. And I’d hope if your child when they grew was gay or trans, you would love and accept them nonetheless.

Friends 4 year old girl thought she was a lion.

I think at that age they say they want to be all sorts of stuff. Don’t pay too much heed to it. Answer with “That’s nice dear, now what do you want for tea”

Schools and nurseries teach gender identity ideology and tell children that they can change gender

Could it be that he sees his sister getting a lot of attention and has clumsily reasoned that he needs to be a girl? I would suggest spending as much time with him one-on-one as you can alongside reassurance that he is wonderful just as he is and you love him dearly, can wear what he likes etc; he probably misses having you to himself.

I think one bad thing the trans lobby has accomplished is to make gender stereotypes way more of a thing than it ever used to be. It's a huge step back for women's (and men's) rights.

Pink is not just for girls, dolls and dresses don't mean you are a woman.

I would establish why he thinks this - I imagine it is as simple as wanting to do activities he believes are "for girls"....you just need to reinforce that girls and boys can do anything....and as a boy he can do "x" if he wants....

Yeah they have gender ideology lessons squeezed in-between playing in the sandpit and learning how to count to twenty 🙄

Years ago, children who said things like this, along with wanting to be donkeys and noddys would just have their parents noting it as they note whether the child ate their breakfast or not, or what time of day it was

Then it became a thing, that has a name and which is attributed much more to it than it deserves. It doesnt mean anything, it means as much as if he said he wanted to be a unicorn or something.

The worst thing is to try to give it some sort of significance over and above all the other weird things kids say. Children with ASD might become fixated on one thing or another for some time, then move on to something else. It doesnt give it any more meaning

Play with whatever you like, wear whatever you like within the rules of your school uniform and weather requirements, but you are a boy, boys dont become girls or vice versa, its not possible.

I agree that you need to ask him why he wants to be a girl.

When I was a kid (maybe about age 8/9) I thought about how nice it would be to be a boy because my brother's always got cool presents like toy cars and planes etc.. from Santa but I would get boring stuff! plus, I thought boys had it easy when it came to fashion and weight - they could cut their hair short and not have the pain of brushing out knots, they could just put on a t shirt and jeans without worrying about looking 'pretty' (something my mum liked me to be), and they didn't (as far as I knew at the time) have to worry about having a belly, whereas all my female friends had skinny tummy's and I didn't feel I fitted in.

I wonder what advantages your son thinks there are to being a girl? Or what he thinks he does that is more traditionally stereotypically seen as girly??

What do you tell them if you encounter a trans person then?

They start teaching it in nursery as part of the pse supposedly in an age appropriate way though I would personally dispute that there's any way to teach gi to children that is appropriate however that's moot. Also 3 year olds can be expelled from nursery for transphobia see article linked below from today's telegraph
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2025/03/31/toddler-kicked-out-of-nursery-for-being-transphobic/

My son wanted to be a girl aged 4. I asked him why and it turned out he wanted/liked pink sparkly shoes, and also he's not super rough and tumble so got on better with girls at nursery than boys the same age.
He also spent a lot of time around the same age saying he was a dog.

Now he is 6 he seems very confident in his identity as a boy. I am trying to teach him that boys can have pink sparkly shoes and long hair if they want - I think he has other ideas from school.

It's probably a phase yours will grow out of.

If they ask I say that some people think that being a woman is a thing not related to biology and that they're wrong. Putting on a skirt, make up and high heels and calling yourself Anna doesnt make you a girl. You can do all those things but you'll be a boy and thats ok

Its a shame some people have emotional and psychological difficulties which make them think this.

Of course a 5 year old wouldnt understand all that so I wouldnt say that to a 5 year old but thats my answer.

This. Talk about what he doesn't like about being a boy. It's more likely he's being pressured to behave like a stereotypical masculine male than encouraged to be trans. Let him play with the things he likes even if they might be considered to be girly by some. Encourage him to believe he can still be a boy while liking those things.

My four year old currently thinks they should be a unicorn. I wouldn't worry about it too much at the moment.

Lol!

I wanted to be a police dog, because they had adventures and caught bad people...

Telegraph, Toby Young, not even sure of child's age or able to give any details...

Yeah ok all sounds legit there