Little boy wanting to be a girl

[Harrietspinelli]

My son is 5 years old and we are currently waiting for an ASD assessment.

He is brilliantly bright and outgoing - he loves playing with all things from cars to dollies but his favourite is anything to do with letters and numbers.

Recently since starting school, he’s been saying that he wants to be a girl. It started with him having a dream that this happened to all the boys in his class by magic.

I just told him lots of magical things happen in dreams but not in real life but he keeps mentioning it. It’s really hard to strike a balance with him because if you ignore to much it makes something more intriguing, but if you talk about something too much he can get obsessive over it.

I know he’s only 5 but it just feels scary. Like what if he goes to school and they encourage it. I’ve read about how autistic children are so vulnerable to this type of ideology online.

AIBU to be this worried?

Any advice, comfort or similar stories would help x

I would try not to worry at this stage OP. When my son was in reception he was saying things like he wanted to be a girl, didn’t want a willy & “wanted to chop it off” quite dramatic!! I didn’t make a big issue of it really just rolled with him but told him he had a willy as he was a boy etc.

He then declared his favourite colour was pink as he needed a bath towel I bought him a pink one which he loved. Having read one of your updates my son sounds similar to yours in that he has/had one main friend & his reception class was full of boisterous boys & in his teachers words there seemed to be a “power struggle” there were many complaints about a certain boy from my son & many of the other children & he was quite unsettled.

Roll on year 1 where he is now his class changed so he is in a mixed year 1/reception class which is very girl heavy. He is much more settled this year so I’m thinking the less boisterous class may have helped. He is also learning the typical stereotypes like boys don’t like pink they like blue & green and boys don’t play with girls etc (although he does play with them!) No mention about chopping his willy off!

What I am saying is that they are so young and they are still learning so just hang on in there!

Id gently talk to him to find out what he thinks "being a girl" really means. Its likely to him it means things like wearing sparkly clothes/shoes or playing stereotypical "girl" games. If you've just had a baby it could just be that he is seeing you caring for it and needs to understand that Dads parent too.

If necessary just say in an age appropriate way that boys have penises and girls don't, they have womb/birth canal etc. Explain that boys get to be parents/have kids by being a Daddy and Daddies are really important.

Make sure he knows he can wear/play whatever he wants and having a penis doesn't affect that.

I wouldn’t overthink it. Just accept him for who he is, let him have access to
to whatever toys, clothes and activities he wants to explore and listen/empathise without going too deeply into it or assuming that his ideas will stay fixed. I agree with others on exploring what he thinks he would like about being a little girl and saying ‘it’s not only girls who play with dolls/paint their nails/wear fairy wings (or whatever he thinks they have that he doesn’t!), boys can do that too’.
If it does encroach into his school life, you can tell the school that is the approach you are taking and I can’t imagine they’ll be anything but supportive.
I’m not sure about the idea that kids know on some level this young that they are a different gender, maybe it’s true. I am sure you can’t go far wrong with just accepting them.

I do think too many people don't allow young boys to like pretty/cute things. My DS never expressed any desire whatsoever to be a girl but hated that girls got lots of things featuring cute kittens etc (clothes, backpacks etc) and boys rarely did.

He loved (still loves...) cute kittens but doesn't like pink or frilly styles or dresses.... why is it all the cute kitten clothes etc are pink & frilly etc?!!

My eldest wanted to be Spider-Man. He used to play with spiders hoping they would bite him and dressed in his costume every single day after school. He’s now a 30 year old dentist and not Spider-Man

Both my kids love cats and pretend to be kittens all the time. They know they can't actually be cats.

Very real possibility they'll end up as vets!

It definitely could be just a phase. My AuDHD daughter is a therian right now but we have to keep reminding her that it’s not real. We also home educate for many reasons but one is that we don’t want people telling her that it’s possible that she can actually identify as a cat.

My MIL wanted to be a boy growing up. She wore boys’ clothes, played football etc the lot. If she did it now, she’d have been made to think she was a boy. The reality was, she just wanted her dad to like her. He wanted a boy, he got a girl.

Watch out because there are people out there that will try to convince them they can be cats.

My daughter is a therian currently and I’m trying my hardest to keep her away from all that crap.

Gen X here so I’m prepared for the backlash to my opinion, but it’s bloody ridiculous.

When I was about 7, me and my friend used to use old toilet paper rolls as a willy and try to wee standing up, as we wanted to be boys.

Prior to that I used to pretend I was a boy, only wearing tracksuits and trainers as all my older cousins were boys.

I also had a phase of thinking I was a fairy, a vampire ( I was about 10 for that one!) and an X-Man. I’m now happily married for 20 years with 2 teenagers and can look back on great memories without having any associated trauma or anxiety…it was just childhood!

Moral of the story is that kids have wonderful imaginations, and any normal parent would treat it as such and not make it into something that it really isn’t and emotionally damage your kids.

If you read the op you’ll see she is concerned about how this will be reacted to at school by teachers and what they may say and do

I agree with others who have advised that you ask him what it is about girls that means he wants to be one.

At that age I can almost guarantee that it’ll be about clothes and toys and if that’s the case let him pick out clothes and toys that he likes so that he can express himself in a way that feels comfortable to him.

My daughter wanted to be a boy at 5 and wore boys clothes from then on (and still does at 16) she had all of her hair cut off at 8 (and still has a more masculine style). We had many conversations over the years as she got older about becoming a boy/being male, gender, pronouns and sexuality and it became simply about her not wanting to conform to societal gender stereotypes regarding what she wears and how she looks. She’s actually comfortable being female she just doesn’t want to look like what society says a woman should look like.

I should add that she is also autistic/ADHD. She did tell me at 3 that she wanted to marry a woman and this never changed. She is gay and had a girlfriend last year. She’s also an incredibly strong, resilient, beautiful human and I couldn’t be prouder of her.

My advice - just love him for who he is and for whoever he wants to be. Parent the child you have, not the idea of the child you have in your head. Be happy that he can express himself comfortably with you and engage in the conversations he wants to have about his identity as he grows and changes.

While this is completely normal and lots of children go through a phase of wanting to be the opposite sex before growing out of it, I completely understand your concerns re school.
I know of several situations where staff in schools have encouraged children to embrace these feelings and driven a wedge between them and their parents. And the more parents have objected, the more the school reinforces this as abusive behaviour. It's still a very real concern sadly.
Transgender Trend have some excellent resources and can offer support and advice on how to navigate this very tricky situation.

My daughter used to claim to be a boy at 4. I didn't make a big deal and she grew out of it.

I would keep a close eye though. There are many cases of schools socially transitioning children without parents knowledge.

Which is just ridiculous. No school is going to push that agenda and say what you said to a child of any age.

I have a 10yo DS with ASD and I get you’re worries although I’d say it’s a bit premature to be concerned.

DS I’d describe as “gender non-conforming”. He went through a phase of saying he actually wanted to be a girl around 6-7 whereas he currently seems satisfied to be a boy who has an affinity with “feminine” things.

We have always been very clear that there are no “boy things” and “girl things” and he can wear what he wants, play with what he wants read what he wants, be friends with who he wants unbound by whether other people thing they are for “boys” or “girls”.

To be honest I think this is an important message for all children. My other DS is a “typical” boy but always stands up for girls and boys being able to do what they want.

I know it sounds ridiculous. It’s quite horrifying and wrong in so many ways but it is happening in some schools.

I have seen it with my own eyes. Other parents have experienced it with their own children.

Stonewall was very open about targeting children aged 2+ and very clear about the messaging that they might have been born in the ‘wrong body’ and should have the option to ‘identify’ as the opposite sex. The now discredited charity Mermaids listed the following indicators as signs a child might be ‘trans’ in its training: not having many friends, not doing well at school, grief, wanting to play with ‘opposite sex’ toys, liking opposite sex hairstyles/clothes etc.

The BBC has also promoted this messaging on many resources aimed at schools - most famously their assertion that there are more than 100 genders and that ‘gender’ is more important than sex in the situations where sex is relevant.

Head over to the Sex and Gender board in Feminism if you would like to understand how incorrect your repeated claims are.

I really wish you were right.

i have a 5 year old and I’ve never heard the school mention anything about genders or that you can be either/only play with certain things if you are one or the other.
He has friends of both gender and I’ve seen them pretend to be anything from trains to cats.
When I helped out in class with reading there were boys wandering around in dresses from the role play area, girls clanging around in the mud kitchen or digging because they wanted to be farmers, no one batted an eye lid or even mentioned it because it’s all age appropriate play. No one thought that the boys wandering around in dresses wanted to be girls, the one dressed as a cat wanted to be an animal or anything else.
My eldest is ND and schools have always just let him be himself, now he a teenager he goes to the gym and does what is perceived to ‘male activities’ but has both his ears pierced, which people have told him helpfully make him ‘look like a girl’. He gets on better with females than males and enjoys gardening, cooking and sewing. He identifies as male and said to be once he didn’t understand how people can change what gender they are when you are born either male/female because he sees everything black/white.
I wouldn’t mention it to the school and I would worry any more about it, all 5 years dress up and play make believe.

There is no indoctrination of gender online at all even within the ASD community! There are more transgender people in the ASD community, but interestingly when tested their hormones more often aline with the gender they feel they are rather than their assigned at birth gender.
Ask your son why he wants to be a girl; it could be like my son that theres a girl on his class who he'd like to be friends with but they only play with other girls.

But would you love him any less if in 10+ years he's still saying he wants to be a girl?

but interestingly when tested their hormones more often aline with the gender they feel they are rather than their assigned at birth gender.

This doesn't make any sense whatsoever

Don't read anything into it, it doesn't mean your son is "trans", kids just say and feel weird things, he'll most likely grow out of it. However, your son could definitely have been exposed to trans propaganda at school via PSHE, in books or by activist teachers. It's rife in some schools, I know personally as I used to be a teacher and saw gender ideology taught to children this young. I would speak to the head and ask to see their PSHE curriculum and ask if there are any books on gender idiology in the school. If all seems ok and your son's teacher doesn't have blue hair or wear a rainbow lanyard then your probably ok and it will just be a weird phase that passes, even in kids who genuinely have cross sex feelings the vast majority grow out of it during puberty. If your concerned about the school putting ideas in his head take him out.

Yes I am a teacher and while I was doing supply in schools in SW London I saw gender idiology being taught to primary school children. One year 1 teacher was teaching the 5 year olds in her class they/them pronouns in grammas lessons and I've also seen some wild books about being born in the wrong body in schools. It's worse in some schools that others, but if you have an activist teacher somewhere in the school then they really push she agenda ok the kids.

but interestingly when tested their hormones more often aline with the gender they feel they are rather than their assigned at birth gender.

Could you provide your sources for this please?

Nonsense about hormones, what on earth are you talking about

Going back to the fact that Im clearly a man given I dont 'live as a woman', is this also compounded then because I spent many years suffering from PCOS which of course is a hormone imbalance, causing my fine moustache by the way.

Is that what you're talking about? Because thats bollox.

I wonder are there girls that he wants to play with that are doing the 'no boys allowed' thing? If so I'd tell the school, i hate that kind of excluding behaviour
Or maybe all the boys only play soccer all day and he knows he can't fit in. Gender stereotyping at that age can be so damaging to kids who aren't typical. If it were me I'd go toy or costume shopping and let him choose whatever. Don't comment on his preferences, if he wants his nails done let him do this but not in the context of trying to be less a boy and more a girl. Just repeatedly tell him that different people like different things and there are no rules. Try not to worry about it, it's not that unusual. I work with young kids and every year there are one or two boys like that.