Little boy wanting to be a girl

[Harrietspinelli]

My son is 5 years old and we are currently waiting for an ASD assessment.

He is brilliantly bright and outgoing - he loves playing with all things from cars to dollies but his favourite is anything to do with letters and numbers.

Recently since starting school, he’s been saying that he wants to be a girl. It started with him having a dream that this happened to all the boys in his class by magic.

I just told him lots of magical things happen in dreams but not in real life but he keeps mentioning it. It’s really hard to strike a balance with him because if you ignore to much it makes something more intriguing, but if you talk about something too much he can get obsessive over it.

I know he’s only 5 but it just feels scary. Like what if he goes to school and they encourage it. I’ve read about how autistic children are so vulnerable to this type of ideology online.

AIBU to be this worried?

Any advice, comfort or similar stories would help x

Can you tell that to my post menopausal face please? 😂

I would think the birth of your daughter is relevant, as you say from an attention point of view, he might be feeling a bit left out.

As the mother of an adult son who’s on the spectrum, my best advice to you is to closely monitor his internet use as he gets older, you’re absolutely right to think that it could be a problem, my son came off all social media two years ago and his mental health has improved significantly, he’s much happier now.

You need to reinforce that he can wear what he likes, he can do things that are stereotypically "girly" and that you will support him all the way.

But that he is a boy, he was born a boy, there are lots of different ways to be a boy, but that he cannot ever be a girl.

That's taken directly from the DfE's verified statistics on school exclusions. Compulsory for schools to complete. These are then published as national statistics, with the year group but not date of birth. Hence the articles.
Probably not something you'd encounter if you rely on just the Guardian or BBC for your news, such is their aversion to covering this kind of factual information. Fortunately the rest of the media are picking up the concerns at such very young children receiving exclusions for transphobia / homophobia.

My cousin was the same- insisting her name was a boys name and pretending to be a boy for a while. She is now a standard issue woman, married and settled.

Don’t panic, don’t make it into a big deal. Find out what he wants that girls have (dress, toys) then give him that and remind him clothes and toys are for everyone. If he is ASD he will get a new obsession soon and this one will hopefully be forgotten!

I had this with my asd ds at 7, I tried all the sensible conversations about boys and girls can all do the sane things but ended up with gp referral to GIDS at 10 mainly hoping for therapy because no counsellor will touch kids like this.

Long story short we dodged a bullet that could have led to medication and sterilisation and worse.

Here's what I'd have done differently..
Be VERY clear that no one can change sex. Sorry but it's impossible. Explain in an age appropriate way.
Talk about why boys bodies are good - faster, stronger, bigger heart and lungs, etc.
Ask what he wants to be different about his life and let him do it - we failed here, he wanted to have his hair long and curly and wear frilly dresses to parties, we didn't want him to be bullied. It's impossible to know the outcome but saying no just reinforces that girls can do something he can't and so he wants to be a girl.
Be very clear with school that they must not socially transition your child.

He will grow out of it. Mine did. He's very feminine in his clothing tastes but also very much a boy.

My youngest was the same from about 3-8. We didn’t get bogged down in the boys and girls stuff, rather we talked about the things he saw as “for girls” and how he can have those things as a boy. He grew his hair long, had princess dressing up stuff, wore pink and other pastel/bright colours, played with my little ponies etc, all whilst being a boy. He often got mistaken for a girl but he would either ignore or explain he’s a boy who likes pink (depending who was asking). He’s now grown out of that, cut his hair and is more into the typical “boy stuff”. I think, just don’t make a big deal out of it. Don’t get bogged down in trans explanations etc. Just reassure him that he’s allowed to like whatever he likes, and that it’s silly that some people think those things belong to boys or girls specifically xx

I would just be explicitly clear with him that although he may want to be a girl 🧐, it isn’t a choice, and he’s a boy.

Then move on. Don’t feed it.

@frenchnoodle

"It's definitely a phase, a very long one. Now at 7 he knows he's a boy but still loves "pretty things".

For all children? For most children?

Look at the school website. Hopefully it's balanced with no mention of gender identity other than as a protected characteristic. Unfortunately some schools have bought into the trans ideology that adult lobby groups have pushed so intensively at schools and they'll have "trans policies", pronouns and other age inappropriate information being shared.

The last government produced draft guidelines for schools (link below). Although they remain draft, this government have not removed them so they give schools a steer as to how they should be tackling this. The basic principles are:
1.Schools and colleges have statutory duties to safeguard and promote the welfare of all children.
2. Schools and colleges should be respectful and tolerant places where bullying is never tolerated.
3. Parents should not be excluded from decisions taken by a school or college relating to requests for a child to ‘socially transition’.
4. Schools and colleges have specific legal duties that are framed by a child’s biological sex.
5. There is no general duty to allow a child to ‘social transition

consult.education.gov.uk/equalities-political-impartiality-anti-bullying-team/gender-questioning-children-proposed-guidance/supporting_documents/Gender%20Questioning%20Children%20%20nonstatutory%20guidance.pdf

My son is exactly the same and he is 5, in his first year at school. He also is currently awaiting assessment for ASD.
He’s been saying he wants to be a girl for a good few months now. He has always been obsessed with Disney princesses so this is mostly where it comes from I think- he’d be happy dressed up as Elsa 24/7. He also really struggles to make friends with boys and the handful of friends he does have are all girls. When I’ve explored with him why he wants to be a girl, his response has been so that he is the same as his friends. I’ve not read too much more into it than that- he just wants to be a real life Elsa.

Presumably he won’t be online as a 5 year old.

If you are worried about the school, speak to them about it. Maybe he sees the girls being treated differently. Maybe the girls are kinder. Maybe he’s just being 5. 5 year olds are wild sometimes!

My son has ASD.

When he was younger (probably up to year 5) he only really played with girls. The girls he played with were calm and quite directive in their play (e.g. 'we are playing families. You are the daddy. Sit here with the baby). He found this very helpful as it meant he knew what to do! He didn't know how to join in with the (typically) more boisterous and less structured play that the boys were doing.

Quite a few of the boys would ask him if he was a girl or tell him that he couldn't like pink (his favourite colour) because it was for girls.

I wonder if your DS is experiencing similar?

DS never said he wanted to be a girl. He's 15 now and hangs out with boys. His favourite colour is still pink!

I'd say "Well you are a boy not a girl, just like you're a person and not a magic dragon or a dinosaur. But there isn't anything you can't do because you're a little boy that you could do if you were a girl, so what are the things you want to do?" And take it from there.

That won't deal with the misconceptions about what he thinks being a boy or girl is.

Does he have role-models who don’t follow typical pink/blue roles? Are there any on TV or the news you can show him without making a big deal out of it? In a book, maybe?

My DS knows it’s Mummy who mends technical things and has taught him to use tools, Daddy who does the laundry. His first childcare provider was a (straight) man, who also cooked for the children.

We‘ve also framed toys etc. as he likes what he likes. And we talk about friends as how they complement him (he‘s my football friend, he‘s my being silly friend, I like talking to her, and she and I both like Harry Potter). This reinforces that everyone is different, there’s no one size fits all.

However this pans out, I think it’s useful for him and all kids to see that you don’t have to fit a certain role as male or female.

My 5yo ASD son was saying he felt like a girl recently, we think its just him trying to work things out in his mind, most of his friends are girls so he was saying things like 'I can't sing Im a barbie girl as thats what girls sing, and I am boy but I feel like a girl' so his Dad periodically sings it. He has long hair too, so we showed him other boys with long hair etc. We just reassure him that he is just him and to just be himself and we love him for who he is. Seems to be working atm.
Its like as they dont understand social cues or nuances they are trying to figure it al out now and overthinking it sometimes!

This is the age of magical reality. Believing in Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth fairy etc.

It's fine for him to believe in these things.

He's also at the age where he's noticing the differences between boys and girls. There's something he clearly likes that he has identified as 'being for girls'- I think you need to have a chat about what this is and reassure him that boys and girls can both do/be/wear the same things.

At this age one of my sons absolutely preferred everything that was stereotypically 'girly' and there was much sobbing in the shoe shop about not being able to buy Lelly Kelly shoes (I wouldn't have bought them for a girl either - we needed school shoes). At home dress up was very much enjoyed including princess dresses/floaty scarves but also spacemen/police etc.

It did need a bit of careful handling because he was a sensitive soul and noticed quite quickly in school that his interests in certain things went down very badly with his male peers. For a while he preferred playing with girls.

Over time he shifted, whether that was to fit in better with boys I don't know - he's a man now, very interested in fashion and how he looks, but so far relationships have been heterosexual.

Listen to him, let him play, especially at home where he is safe from what can be cruel remarks from peers and let him grow into whatever sort of man he will become.

My DD7 is going through a phase of repeating she’d like to be a boy. She thinks boys are cooler, she’s at an age where cliques are forming in her friendship group and is getting annoyed by “girl” dynamics… and she is also picking up bits about puberty and is unimpressed. I suspect she thinks right now that the life of a boy is a bit more simple and thats where she’d like to hang. Also she is at an all girls school so is not over-exposed to boys and her view of them and their habits is rose-tinted!! I dont think it will last.

Do you think theres a chance OP that he is observing how the girls play and interact and prefers their approach - rather than it being an actual gender issue?

I agree with what others have said about gently explaining both that magic isn't real and that boys can't become girls. I think this will help with the rigid thinking that may come with his autism.

Because he's been repeating the "wanting to be a girl" I would find out what he thinks this means. And again, reiterate that boys can't turn into girls but they can do (just about) everything that girls can do. So, if he wants to grow his hair, let him grow his hair.

Some things that other people haven't mentioned that I would also do is:

• try and find male role models for him who are unashamedly men but are comfortable doing more stereotypically female things. Particularly if it's the thing he identifies (i.e. if it's long hair and you have a male friend with long hair) but it could be a dad who does more caregiving or a man who paints his nails or knits etc etc.
• I would not praise or encourage him as a boy at home (and discourage any other caregivers to do this too). Eg, if you say "good boy" or "be a brave boy" or whatever stop doing this and make any praise or encouragement about his character gender neutral. Not because he's not a boy, but because he should be well behaved or polite because those are positive human traits.

It is scary these days that people think surgery and drugs is the best response to kids such as your DS saying this. Thinking back to lovely times (1990s and thereabouts) when kids who were different were accepted without the threat of people suggesting surgery in response.

So in school he has a best friend who is a boy. It was the same in nursery - he finds one friend and likes to do everything with them.

At parents evening his teacher said the class is quite ‘boy dominated’ with boysy boys if that makes sense.

He said that DS and his best friend prefer to play quiet activities together rather than the rough and tumble games outside. DS likes to run and climb so will play with them when they’re doing that but apart from that he prefers to be with his best friend doing number blocks…

I think everyone is right about him just seeing that he prefers the same activities in his class as the girls.

It bothers me a bit that the class seems so ‘gendered’ but maybe this just happens naturally in school because of how kids are raised and society in general. If it was a bit less separate he probably wouldn’t feel this way.

It could also be that the girls at school are going through an 'eurgh, boys are yucky' phase, not necessarily just that he thinks girly things are better. Certainly my DS is outraged at some of the things certain little girls have said about boys, and a bit sad that some girls he used to play with now don't play with him any more.

Thanks so much for all the advice - I’ll have a chat with him after school and find out what he thinks girls can do that he can’t.

I went to a fancy dress party as Noddy, I was in my early 20's at the time! I was most disappointed that my friend wouldn't go as Big Ears and went as a princess instead 😉