Little boy wanting to be a girl

[Harrietspinelli]

My son is 5 years old and we are currently waiting for an ASD assessment.

He is brilliantly bright and outgoing - he loves playing with all things from cars to dollies but his favourite is anything to do with letters and numbers.

Recently since starting school, he’s been saying that he wants to be a girl. It started with him having a dream that this happened to all the boys in his class by magic.

I just told him lots of magical things happen in dreams but not in real life but he keeps mentioning it. It’s really hard to strike a balance with him because if you ignore to much it makes something more intriguing, but if you talk about something too much he can get obsessive over it.

I know he’s only 5 but it just feels scary. Like what if he goes to school and they encourage it. I’ve read about how autistic children are so vulnerable to this type of ideology online.

AIBU to be this worried?

Any advice, comfort or similar stories would help x

I would visit his classroom/school and check out if there are any ‘progress’ Pride flags - the ones with the big black, brown and pink arrow that denotes possible trans lobby influence. Look at the school website/blogs to see any announcements re Stonewall or other activist orgs like No Outsiders that promote the concept that it is possible to be a girl in a boys body.

Check any relevant school policies and parent forums which may give you an indication of the sort of reaction you may get if you decide to raise it with a teacher. I’m sure most teachers are absolutely fine and will understand your concerns and wouldn’t dream of pretending to your child that he is really a girl but there are some concerning individuals who don’t believe in listening to parents wishes at all.

Forewarned is forearmed as they say.

Kids are the worst gender police, I think it's no coincidence that this started after going to school. There will be loads of things that he might like doing that he just can't do any more because the little gender police will be policing this stuff all day long. Like hanging around with girls instead of boys, playing with 'girl toys', just not doing stupid boy things that he doesn't want to do. I'm not sure how to get round it really, unless you take him out of school.

Well Stonewall did publicise its aim to access children from 2 upwards with its material knowledge gender ideology so they’ll be wanting to squeeze it in somewhere.

Often with one of the many new books on the subject and maybe read by a drag queen for extra indoctrination 👍

Many interesting points here. I just am backing up the idea that it could be that his sister is getting attention "who's the best little girl?" "Isn't she a gorgeous little girl" comments might be weighing on his mind. My DC was like this when (same sex) sibling was born and said things like "I'm your little cutie pie too mommy, Isn't that right?"
So it could just be the baby

It could well be his little brain is trying to process how his baby sister is getting attention that was once all his - and has come up with 'oh, it's because she's a girl, so ...'

I'm told I asked my parents to send my baby brother back to the hospital.

Does he have 1-1 time with you & with dad, when she is asleep or the other parent is with her? Putting the focus back on him may be what he's seeking.

It could also be stupid gendered nonsense in play. I did not like the dolls, toy kitchens, mini pram bla bla bla that I was given. I did like teddies, dinosaurs, daleks, pirates. I did not like the ballet and piano lessons (there is pic of me looking like a little tank in a tutu). I did like racing around the streets on my bike and playing on a building site 😬.

But I never thought I was really a boy because it just wasn't a narrative then.

Are they all encouraged to do everything and pick what they love, or is there a strong message at school that this is for boys, that is for girls? Are they already treated differently at school? Boys don't cry and should rough and tumble and not paint nails, girls should be kind and help mummy with the chores and wear pretty things .....

I'd absolutely do some digging and finding out what's going on under the bonnet. Find out the school attitude to all this, any Stonewall training/indoctrination, any children being socially transitioned, etc.

And let him see dad doing 'girl' things and mum doing 'boy' things as unremarkable - for want of a better analogy. (I can repoint brickwork and my OH has long hair and likes a velvet jacket 🤣)

Be clear that boys cannot become girls but they are free to play with or do the whole range of activities.

My son had an older sister and he used to declare when he was little, maybe 5 or 6,
"DS is a girl and I'm a girl and Daddy's a robot".
He grew out of it, though I think the "robot" label still rankles with DH.
He did grow his hair long at school - he was the only one for a while. It's still waist length and very thick

Who knows what will happen with this child. The overwhelmingly likelihood is that this means nothing and will pass.

But there are a tiny number of children for whom it doesn't, regardless of them never seeing a LGBTQ flag or knowing that transgender adults exist.

Only time will tell.

For mine. For my child.

Do we do all that each time a child declares they're going to be a donkey or a unicorn?

What is a donkey, why do you want to be a donkey, whats fun about being a donkey rather than a human? What things do you think a donkey can do that a human cant?

Dont feed it, allow children to play with what they want, dress what they want within reason for safety or uniform purposes, it doesnt have to have a name, its just being human.

This is true I know of a boy (now living as a woman) who maintained from earliest primary age that he was a girl and preferred girls company and clothes. This was in the mid 90s so not a new phenomenon at all.

I wouldn't worry too much about this OP.

My 5yr old son occasionally says he wants to be a girl and asks if he can. I say of course, you can be anything you want to be, and we love everything about you. He hasn't really taken it any further but does ask questions about stuff, for example whether he will have eggs if he is a girl, to which I have obviously explains no, because you were born a boy, you will never have eggs!

Some days he prefers to wear a tinkerbell dress or a mermaid skirt, other days dungarees and wellies. Some days he likes to play makeup with my lip gloss, other days he doesn't. Every day he plays with whatever he fancies, because all toys are for all kids.

He has family and friends who are trans/non-binary so it's just a very normal matter of fact thing to him, he understands that auntie Lorraine was born as a boy called Liam, or that so and so doesn't feel like a woman or a man. Kids are very accepting in my experience and love to learn about everything and anything.

Just keep loving him, supporting his interests, answering his questions honestly, and he will have the perfect environment to figure out his identity as he grows, as we all do or have done, knowing he is safe and loved by his family and that whatever and whoever he is, he is accepted and loved deeply.

This is where a lot of current confusion lies. This person is not ‘living as a woman’ - if he was, that would imply that I’m not living as a woman by my choice of wardrobe and friends while actually being a woman by dint of being born female.

I’m glad he’s happy with his outfits and lifestyle but he is not ‘living as a woman’. This sort of language is especially confusing to children and adults with processing difficulties.

I think you might have hit the nail on the head here, that it's about his sister. People can be very over the top gushy about a little girl, in a way that can make a toddler brother feel overlooked. Usually it's all looks-based stuff about how pretty she is, which can be damaging in its own way to little girls. But to a five year old boy, attention is attention, and all he's seeing is that she's special. Because pretty and pink and girl.

Siblings often struggle with the attention given to a new baby. They don't remember getting the same fuss made over them - even if they did! And kids can get funny ideas. I'd definitely dig a little deeper into this. He might just need to feel a bit special. Maybe some boy time with dad, to make him see that are plenty of good things about being a boy too? Obviously you don't want to lean too hard into gendered stereotypes, but DH might have some ideas here.

If all else fails you could try and divert his focus to a new fixation.

Exactly, I therefore dont 'live as a woman', dont wear traditional womens clothes, I wear trousers only, dont wear make up. I sport a pretty mean moustache at times. Dont like pink. Dont like 'girly things'. Never played with dollies when little

I had fairly short hair in my 20s.

Oh I must be a man!!

Out of interest, outside of the social media space would you routinely refuse to use a transgender person's preferred pronouns, even if you were working with them or they were a member of your family?

I used to work with such an individual and when he was in the room, I naturally spoke to him directly so no need for pronouns and when he wasn’t in the room I find the normal standards for pronouns - someone male is ‘he’ and someone female is ‘she’ perfectly adequate.

There were no upsets and we worked together successfully with no issues. He kept out of the ladies toilets for which I am eternally grateful.

For the record, I would never set out to deliberately upset someone I worked with, just as I would hope they wouldn’t set out to upset me by demanding I use words which I know to be incorrect.

I hope you agree that relationships, whether professional or family, are a two way street where considerate behaviour goes both ways.

While most of these stories about all the silly things children say they want to be are intended to comfort and put things into perspective ('it's just a phase'), this is a legitimate cause for worry today. If a child (especially a child who's more vulnerable or impressionable) says something like this or goes through this phase, there are people waiting to pounce on it and push their agenda, regardless of what's best for the child. They may even believe they're on the right side of history (🙄), but that doesn't change the fact that their interference can cause serious, irreparable harm. It's not unreasonable to want to actively avoid those people and the negative outcomes they often promote, and pretending that it will be fine because when we were a child in the 80s or 90s, we wanted to be a lion and no-one came along and told us we could be a lion, it was good to want to be a lion instead of a human child, mummy was wrong for asking us to behave like a child and not roar all the time, and they'd help us make the transition. These days, there are some people around who would be all to happy to step in and 'help' that way, and if you as a parent object, you may find yourself in legal trouble.

Personally I think 'preferred' pronouns are very problematic as they indicate that you agree gender is more important than sex, which I profoundly disagree with. Ultimately it makes it much harder to argue that a man shouldn't access women's spaces and services if you're referring to that man as 'she'.

Having said that, if I'm dealing with a troubled teenager I can't expect them to get all that and I wouldn't want to antagonise. So I'd try to avoid pronouns altogether. That would probably be easier than avoiding the 'wrong' ones.

It’s not a book you’d read to Reception children though usually…
I’m a reception teacher and while I wouldn’t encourage it, both boys and girls access all areas of our provision so if he was playing with dolls or dressing up for example then that would be fine. Lots of our boys do just that.
Does he have a lot of female friends/siblings/cousins that he maybe is trying to be more like?

This reminds me of my ds (now 15) when he was about 4/5 had a dream about a tortoise (I’m not sure if he was the tortoise in his dream) he then become a tortoise for what felt like months!

Around the same time he also had a dream about playing with a bear and the bear was spinning him around 🤷🏻‍♀️ he was in a right strop for days because he want to play with the bear.. weirdly to this day he still remembers that dream vividly and always smiles if I mention it 🙃

i wonder if around this age they become more aware of their dreams and emotions within the dream state? Perhaps your ds had fun in his dream and was excited etc. and is seeking that ‘emotion’ but not necessarily wanting to be a girl?

I know a few boys around this age would only wear princess dresses, pretend to be girls / have dolls etc. they are currently 13 at Secondary and are very much straight male now and going goofy around girls.

its more common than you’d think, he will probably watch others and be guarded at school and eventually outgrow it.

if you think about it, girls wear trousers and love playing around in the mud, they don’t all like dolls and pink and no one bats an eyelid.

Nobody is encouraging the OP’s son to dress like a girl or telling him he’s in the wrong body. He’s 5!

My dd is 11 asd diagnosed in 2021' went through a phase of wanting to be a boy, wanting short boy hair and referred to as a boy name. I went along with it and supported her, eventually even let her have her hair cut short as she was adamant she wanted boy hair. This went on for a good few months on and off at the age of around 6 now at 11 she makes no mention of being a boy or wanting to be one. She isn't an overly girly girl or anything, she prefers boys clothing but I think its more of a sensory thing than anything else.
Honestly at 5 they are just curious and expressing themselves and learning.
I wouldn't worry too much, my dd also wanted to be a cat and a dinosaur at one point, i think its all par for the course with growing up

Yes, good idea. Ask him what the difference is between boys and girls and see what he says.