How much do I owe ex?

[Dumpedonmotheraday]

My partner of seven years ended our relationship today. We weren’t married and have no children together, but he has been an excellent step-parent to my three kids and I am heartbroken. When we met, he had been made redundant and as a result had 5 figure debts. Over the years, he since built a successful career, paid off his debts, and gained a degree, while I also progressed in my career and completed a master’s degree. He also inherited £20k, which he spent on a holiday—none of it came my way.

We are now struggling to reach a fair financial separation. He moved into my home in 2021, at which point I had already paid off nearly half of my mortgage. Initially, he paid £425 a month (which included bills), this later increased to £600 in 2022. About 20 months ago, when my mortgage was half paid off, he took over the £1k monthly mortgage payments and continued to pay around £400 towards bills. I paid for the big grocery shops.

Now, he’s asking for this £20k back, saying that’s what he has contributed to the mortgage. We never had a legal agreement in place, as neither of us wanted to spend money on lawyers. I want to do the morally right thing.

what do I owe him? I will have to sell up either way.

He has not acquired rights to your property by paying money to you. You aren’t married and don’t have DC together so he’s not got any rights to your property or belongings. As you don't have a cohabitation agreement he’s not agreed to anything and neither have you. You split up with the assets you started with and acquired as individuals. If the house was yours in sole name, it remains yours. He could try and claim but it’s complex and really not worth the legal fees. A cohabitation agreement would have been pence by comparison.

@Dumpedonmotheraday £600 for rent snd bills. well 600 quid a month would not have even got him a shop doorway to sleep in so he can go to hell!!

No disrespect to him, but morally you don't owe him anything either.

Not a bloody penny. Do you really think it is fair he lived in your home rent free? He had a huge inheritance and spent the lot on himself, so obviously only looks after himself. Send him packing.

He's dumped you on Mothering Sunday just before the kids are off for Easter. No legal paperwork?

You owe him nothing.

This

Look at local houses for rent. See how much it would cost to rent a room in one of those, plus council tax, bills, food etc and see how it compares to what he’s been paying you.

Also, unless he was strictly 50/50 with all housework, factor in a weekly cleaning charge if you did most/more of the housework.

You took him in when he was on the bones of his arse. My uni student pays more than double the £425 a month he was paying you, he couldn’t have lived anywhere else for that.

Now he’s back on his feet he wants to take some of your equity rather than acknowledging without your help and financial support, he wouldn’t have been able pay off his debts, nor start a business.

He should be thanking you, not trying to fleece you.

When lawyer get involved nobody wins (except the lawyers).

600pcm is a reasonable rent so you could take this, his share of the cleaner and his share of the repairs off the 20k total. I imagine that would give him 4-5k?

I wouldn't offer him anything at this stage.

I'd let him move out, get yourself and the kids calm and settled and things on an even keel. Then I would have a think about whether I wanted to offer anything.

But, I would be cautious here. It sounds like you have been subsidising him for most of the relationship before, for a relatively short period of time, he has been subsidising you. Don't make the decision for what to offer based solely on the last 20 months - that doesn't feel fair.

"Initially, he paid £425 a month (which included bills), this later increased to £600 in 2022. About 20 months ago, when my mortgage was half paid off, he took over the £1k monthly mortgage payments and continued to pay around £400 towards bills. "
So initially he did not contribute to the bills when he paid 425 and 6oo? and then the 1k he paid was on top of 400 towards bills? Towards bills suggest the bills are more than 400?
So basically when he took over the 1k payments and paid 400 towards the bills this offsets the years he did not contribute equally - ie pay half of what it would cost to rent at market rate or contribute to the bills.

Morally you owe him nothing, morally you have a duty to protect your assets for your children. He hasn’t been contributing to your mortgage, for years you carried him whilst he contributed very little, you helped him get his finances in order.

I would class anything he paid until 20mths ago (the £425 and £600) as, very cheap!, rent.

So, 20mths ago he started paying £1400 a month to the household? If he was renting his own place he would have to pay something so I’m not sure he is ‘entitled’ to anything.

28mth at around £500 = £14k plus 20mths at £1400 = £28k is £42k. So on average over the last 4yrs he’s paid around £850 a month to live in your house? For context, I had a random lodger 20yrs ago that paid £500 a month!

that’s very garbled but just my thoughts as they came out, so to conclude 🤣 I don’t think you owe him anything!

It’s morally right that you allowed him to live very cheapy with you for a long time enabling him to pay off his substantial debts.

You owe him nothing, why should he be reimbursed for general living costs?

I think he’s taken you for a ride tbh, happy to live very comfortably paying very little for a very long time and now he’s had a few months of paying his way at a reasonable level he thinks he’s owed a refund??

He’s having a laugh, no you owe h absolutely nothing whatsoever, cheeky bastard.

He’s simply a lodger. He didn’t pay towards her mortgage directly. He paid her rent which she paid towards the mortgage and other expenses.

if she refunds him he will have effectively lived expense free for 2 years which no judge would think was reasonable.

Morally OP there is nothing to pay him. He paid reasonable living costs to his landlord who happened to be you! Whether or not you were in a relationship is irrelevant.

You owe him nothing. Please don’t put your children into financial hardship out of some misguided sense of moral virtue.

Nothing unless the agreement you came to 20 months ago was that it was intended he would gain an interest in your house. If not, then he just been paying rent essentially. Plus it's only 20 months hes been significantly contributing. He'd likely be entitled to capital he'd paid towards the house in that time...unlikely that's 20k! Also this would only happen if he took you to court under ToLATA. Big litigation risk here for him for a potentially low return.

Please don’t rush into agreeing anything financial. It sounds like it was a big shock you had today. You need to care for your emotional trauma before you get get your logical brain back in gear to work out finances.
He chose Mothers’s Day to suddenly end things. He can wait a bit and work to your timetable on this.

You owe him nothing. He paid less than he would have done elsewfor rent and bills.

Curious, in what way? What has increased?

🙄

My friends ex did this - lived in her house, gave her £500 a month and when they split claimed she owed him £25k.

In the end she gave him £3k and told him to take her to court. He didn’t funnily enough

Some really bad advice on this thread.

As your ex has been paying money towards the mortgage, including covering it in full for almost 2 years, then he likely does have a claim.

Why would you charge a partner rent? Half of the bills, yes, but what does the rental element cover the cost of?

You say you will have to sell up either way - is that because you can’t afford the mortgage payments on your own?

This is absolutely untrue. Unmarried = get nothing. He basically paid his own living costs and deserved nothing back

Nope.

Think of yourself and your kids future! Giving this man any money is just going to make your children go without! Fuck that