How much do I owe ex?

[Dumpedonmotheraday]

My partner of seven years ended our relationship today. We weren’t married and have no children together, but he has been an excellent step-parent to my three kids and I am heartbroken. When we met, he had been made redundant and as a result had 5 figure debts. Over the years, he since built a successful career, paid off his debts, and gained a degree, while I also progressed in my career and completed a master’s degree. He also inherited £20k, which he spent on a holiday—none of it came my way.

We are now struggling to reach a fair financial separation. He moved into my home in 2021, at which point I had already paid off nearly half of my mortgage. Initially, he paid £425 a month (which included bills), this later increased to £600 in 2022. About 20 months ago, when my mortgage was half paid off, he took over the £1k monthly mortgage payments and continued to pay around £400 towards bills. I paid for the big grocery shops.

Now, he’s asking for this £20k back, saying that’s what he has contributed to the mortgage. We never had a legal agreement in place, as neither of us wanted to spend money on lawyers. I want to do the morally right thing.

what do I owe him? I will have to sell up either way.

The right thing is to give him nothing. He's not on the mortgage, whatever he paid can be called rent. I can't believe he's asking you for money! He's got some nerve. He stayed with you and gained financially by doing so. On top asking for money while leaving a single mum of 3 is just utterly disgusting. He's vile OP and don't let him guilt you in to pay him anything. You owe nothing.

Definitely go through the bills. Do your kids live with you full time? So for 20 months he paid you £1,400. £400 towards bills and £1, 000 for the mortgage. I would pay something but not £20k. Has he moved out?

To me he was a Cocklodger and you owe him nothing

So for 20 months, he has paid per £1400 per month? Is that right? And before that, he paid £425 a month, then £600 a month? If he hadn’t been living with you, he’d still have had to pay for rent, bills and food, so it’s 100% unreasonable for him to expect any kind of recompense. Life costs money whether we live alone or with someone else. What he’s asking for is that you repay him completely for living with you, which, of course, is an entirely unreasonable expectation and I suspect any court action would surmise the same.

@Dumpedonmotheraday how much was his rent again?? you know, before he decided he would pay the mortgage to stake a claim on your house???

This. Tell him it is your house and off you go

You securing your children future is doing the right thing

Yeah he paid £1400 for that time which was a big increase from £600. I paid for the food shops and the cleaner and a few repairs. He did ask for a contract but didn’t want to paid the lawyers fee and tbh neither did I. My moral dilemma is that if he hasn’t totally surprised me and dumped me today (on Mother’s Day) I’d have been more than happy to share a life and my assets with him forever. I won’t want to come across as heartless and grabby either.

I would calculate what he has paid over the 7 years. (a)Then calculate what it would have cost him in rent, bills and food in a similar property locally. (b) Then subtract b from a. Then you have your answer.

No one lives for free.

£600 for rent snd bills.

agree with @allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld seems suss to start paying the mortgage and then conveniently now seem to think he's owed something.

If he lived on his own he'd be paying much more in rent/bills. And I suspect whilst he was clearing debts you paid for a chunk more stuff too.
I assume he just paid you the money into your account and not the mortgage company directly?
Id say you owe him nothing. You need to protect your assets/financials for your children.

Did he pay the mortgage directly or give the money to you and you paid it?
He's a cheeky devil, he'd have paid that in rent.

You don't owe him anything. He's paid normal living costs for the past couple of years (probably less). This should be a clean break

Do you have access to some savings? So you can pay him off something if needed?

What was the contract that he wanted signing?

Absolutely nothing.

Limited savings. He knows that money always tight and most goes on the kids etc. I’ll have to sell as I can’t afford the house without him. Which perhaps is making me feel like I owe him

You don’t owe him anything.

Unfortunately he has been paying the mortgage so as much as everyone would like to say he isn't due anything he does have a financial interest in your house now. He's not going to get 20k back but should get 50% of any increase in equity over the 20 months, there may not be any increase though, prices may have fallen.

With respect…take a deep breath before you make any financial decisions
He has absolutely blindsided you, and what kind of dick ends things on Mothers Day?
You must be so emotional and upset right now, but believe me two or three months down the line you will have a totally different perspective
He has had time to think about and plan this
You haven’t

@Dumpedonmotheraday my point still stands. Were he living on his own all that time, would it have been for free? It’s irrelevant what you spent the money on. You discussed it. He agreed and paid it. It was for reasonable living expenses: renting space in your home - (not mortgage - he wasn’t named on the mortgage and 20 months is not enough to seriously have a claim, anyway), council tax, gas, electricity, broadband, water, food, insurance, streaming services, laundry services, cleaning etc etc. Frankly I’d bite your hand off for an all inclusive package like that!

you need to think logically and not emotionally about this.

Rent, living expenses. If he wasn't living with you, he would still need to pay his own way somewhere else. A better question is why would he think he shouldn't pay for his own living expenses? Obviously he's a cock lodger wannabe, but that doesn't mean you should go along with his plan.

That’s incorrect, I’ve been paying the mortgage on the house I live in for the past 20 years (exes house) I saw a solicitor to see if I had a claim…I don’t.

How did you afford the house before he lived there? You had paid off half your mortgage. You owe him nothing.

Could he have afford to rent independently for less at that time?

I doubt it.

He make the arrangement and it suited him at the time.

Is there a possibility that he used you for cheap lodging and is leaving now he can stand on his own two feet?

So I have added up he has paid approximately £37000 to you since moving in. Tell him to run and jump, where could you live, all bills and food for less than 10k a year. Pay him nothing.