How much do I owe ex?

[Dumpedonmotheraday]

My partner of seven years ended our relationship today. We weren’t married and have no children together, but he has been an excellent step-parent to my three kids and I am heartbroken. When we met, he had been made redundant and as a result had 5 figure debts. Over the years, he since built a successful career, paid off his debts, and gained a degree, while I also progressed in my career and completed a master’s degree. He also inherited £20k, which he spent on a holiday—none of it came my way.

We are now struggling to reach a fair financial separation. He moved into my home in 2021, at which point I had already paid off nearly half of my mortgage. Initially, he paid £425 a month (which included bills), this later increased to £600 in 2022. About 20 months ago, when my mortgage was half paid off, he took over the £1k monthly mortgage payments and continued to pay around £400 towards bills. I paid for the big grocery shops.

Now, he’s asking for this £20k back, saying that’s what he has contributed to the mortgage. We never had a legal agreement in place, as neither of us wanted to spend money on lawyers. I want to do the morally right thing.

what do I owe him? I will have to sell up either way.

The kids were less expensive!

If he had been paying £1k rent on a property would he expect the landlord to refund him?

Thats under £3000 per year yous we’re together..private rent would have been a lot more..he owes you if anything

How come he took over the mortgage and paid a large whack of the bills 20 months ago? It’s a shame he couldn’t have continued paying a rent. But I guess we don’t think of them that way when they’re partners. I’d perhaps work out how much a reasonable rent would have been including bills, and give him the difference. But it’s pretty crass of him to ask for it all back. He’s really throwing some shit at you.

Has he Bering paying your mortgage directly? As in his bank to your mortgage, or has he been paying you the mortgage amount?

Also what changed 20 months ago to change the financial set up?

Did one of you change jobs?

Who suggested he take over the mortgage?

Pay nothing - protect you and your kids future...he had to pay rent to live somewhere he chose to do that in the house you own.
If it was the other way about and you were leaving a house he owned you had been paying bills in how much do you think he would be offering you....

Tell him to do a running jump.

Also try to collate as much financial info as you can (about what he cost you - paying £425/£600 a month he certainly did cost you) in case you need it.

If he questions it reply that for a long time you supported him more financially, then for a much shorter time he supported you. That's how relationships work. Now it's over it's water under the bridge.

Paying me directly. Im not worried about the legal standing, it’s the morally right thing I want to do.

You owe him nothing. You weren’t married and he has absolute zero claim on your property. Why on Earth do you think you owe him anything?

I’m a family solicitor. You’re not married so the house is yours. He could
potentially take you to court for a TOLATA claim but based on what you’re saying he wouldn’t get very far with it.

The other thing is your mortgage payments would have been cheaper as you had lots paid off, owning a property is a risk- you might have lost money, maintenance is for you to pay not a landlord, would be have had the capital for a deposit.

It's all these factors that mean I think he was renting.

If you want to check it was fair retrospectively, I'd look at what private rent and bills is in your area, factor in the food bills your have paid. Work out roughly how much rent he has paid you. If there is a big difference you can pay him something, but it's going to be much less that £20k

Can you imagine him renting a house and then wanting to move out and asking the landlord for all his rental payments back? That’s what he’s doing. The cheeky bastard.

He was back on an even keel and was able to contribute more than the previous amounts. And partly he know things were tighter for me and I think he wanted to help

He was the lodger. He paid rent to live there, and he got to live there. Why would you think you owe him a penny? Let alone talk about selling up? Is anyone who's ever rented a house / flat / room owed thousands when they choose to move?

Damn right he won't take you to court, because he couldn't - he has no case whatsoever, and any lawyer would tell him so. If he makes any noises about how he doesn't want to get legal about this because he's such a good guy or whatever (in an attempt to scare you into paying up), have a good laugh, and hang up the phone.

Are you seriously considering selling your kids' home and disrupting their lives, for this berk? Or giving a penny to him that you could spend on them? Focus on what's good for them, block his number and forget him (and his silly demand). He chose to leave, and you have responsibilities (to your family, not him). Don't waste another minute thinking about this.

The morally right thing to do in your case is to act in the best interests of your children. You owe this man nothing, if he had rented for the past few years, he’d have had more outgoings. How dare he split up with you without warning while at the same time demanding £20K. Don’t give him a penny.

Morality is not black and white in this case because children and a home are involved. He paid money to live in the house, your mortgage not his, and your house not his just like a tenant pays a landlord essentially. He doesn't get to take that back out now he's leaving. That's not how it works. If he was such a good stepdad he also shouldn't be considering uprooting his stepchildren via his actions from their home, his absence will be upheaval enough.

Morally speaking you can give him something but not 20k, not much at all really. He had a roof over his head at less than market rate for a long time. He had private earnings he didn't share in any way. He doesnt get to take his rent back from you now.

Zero. And him conveniently taking over your mortgage after blowing a 20k inheritance is suspicious AF to me. Any chance this has been a long game to stake a claim and he’s got an OW waiting patiently somewhere?

I am afraid everyone saying you owe him nothing is talking rubbish.

Legally he is entitled because he has lived with you and paid money towards your mortgage.

You need to get proper legal advice before you do anything but as an absolute minimum you will probably own him a % of the incrsse in value over the time he has been living with you, not just the 2 years he has paid the mortgage in full.

He can’t prove to a court that he paid her mortgage. He was paying her directly.

From my understanding, if he helped pay off the mortgage he may be entitled to money back. Please seek legal advice as he probably has/will. In the future, I would advise that finances are kept separate until marriage. Your partner (if living in your home) can pay for bills but should not pay the mortgage or for improvements to the home.

So in the space of a day he’s gone from ending the relationship to asking you for 20k? If I understand that correctly that says a lot about his motivations. I’d also be interested to know why he thinks for the past 20 months he gets to have lived rent free in your home.

Was it the morally right thing to do for him to dump you on Mother's Day?

Why should you give him £20k, essentially meaning he's just lived for the last 20 months rent-free?

Don't be a doormat. You have kids, put them first and tell him to go swivel.

I would absolute best give him a month deposit and rent in advance to fuck off quietly.
But I would also spend £500 on getting a solicitor to draw up an agreement that that is the last Penny he will see from you

I'm sure when he only paid £425 and then £600 per month to cover his rent and bills, he was being subsidised by you as there would be no way that he would only pay those amounts if he was renting somewhere himself and covering all his own bills.

When he started paying more towards the mortgage, there was no agreement that he get his money back if you split up. You don't owe him anything.