How much do I owe ex?

[Dumpedonmotheraday]

My partner of seven years ended our relationship today. We weren’t married and have no children together, but he has been an excellent step-parent to my three kids and I am heartbroken. When we met, he had been made redundant and as a result had 5 figure debts. Over the years, he since built a successful career, paid off his debts, and gained a degree, while I also progressed in my career and completed a master’s degree. He also inherited £20k, which he spent on a holiday—none of it came my way.

We are now struggling to reach a fair financial separation. He moved into my home in 2021, at which point I had already paid off nearly half of my mortgage. Initially, he paid £425 a month (which included bills), this later increased to £600 in 2022. About 20 months ago, when my mortgage was half paid off, he took over the £1k monthly mortgage payments and continued to pay around £400 towards bills. I paid for the big grocery shops.

Now, he’s asking for this £20k back, saying that’s what he has contributed to the mortgage. We never had a legal agreement in place, as neither of us wanted to spend money on lawyers. I want to do the morally right thing.

what do I owe him? I will have to sell up either way.

Then he's trying it on.

You owe him nothing. He would have had to pay to live somewhere. He did.

The end.

Ask him why he thinks he should have lived rent free.

And the increased amount recently was payback for you subbing him when he was skint.

But the problem is everyone will have a different take on what is morally right.

He made himself financially vulnerable by the sounds of it by not being on the mortgage, not being married and therefore having no shared assets with you to divvy up on separation. So who is responsible for putting him in that vulnerable position and who is responsible for not getting him out of that position?

What is morally right depends on your personal viewpoint and not anyone on here can answer that for you.

If you want to be fastidious then go back 7 years and work out rent and his share of utilities (and food etc) up until present day. It will likely even out over the 7 years.

Why? He just paid her a lump sum. There is nothing written agreement how she spent the money. What if she actually spend the money on food and utilities and paid the mortgage off herself?

I know you want to try and do the right thing but you have to put your children first. You need to sell this house and have enough money to buy somewhere else and provide for your children. I’d just tell him that you can’t afford to give him anything.

All I can say is: do not sell up. Do not do it.

You will put yourself in an awful situation, not a homeowner and at the mercy of the rental market.

Really, don't do it. It's the last resort and I mean really hang on and do everything not to sell up.

You don't owe him anything. He's lived in your house and his cost for living somewhere has been £425 a month then £600 for two years or more, which is extremely low and not covering his actual cost at all, then he has paid £1,000 plus £400 bills for the past 20 months. BUT, that higher payment only really offsets the under payment for the previous 2+ years. He doesn't get back the money he paid out to live monthly in your house. We all have to pay out probably a minimum of around £1400 a month just to have a home and pay bills, if we're lucky.

His association with you has, by the sound of it, allowed him to pay of substantial debts and he's also been able to use a gift of £20k for his own holiday and not shared it.

You owe him nothing. He's been nice to your kids but now he's ending your relationship and demanding so much money from their mum that they will lose their home. So you have to be really TOUGH here. This is super serious.

Say to him:
I'm sorry but what you paid was just a normal contribution to monthly accommodation and bills, if we spread it from 2021 when you moved in. So I don't believe I owe you anything. Goodbye.

His only option will be to pay to take you to court to demand the money and... he will not get it. He knows that. That's why he's trying to pressurise you now.

This happened to me but in a much worse way and far far more money. And mine and my child's life have been devastated by my selling my house.

So I am telling you now: DO NOT SELL YOUR HOUSE. DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY MONEY. DON'T FEEL GUILTY. IT'S FINE, HE DID OK.

and that is it.

Please please think of your kids. They are way more important than him. And he is debt free and ok and was financially secure enough to blow 20k on a holiday that didn't include you so quite frankly - no. Let him bugger off.

Think of your kids in rented accommodation then after a few months you have to move. Then again. Then again. Think of them crying about it. Think of all of that.

Don't risk it.

And be aware: he could move on quickly with someone else. Do you want to sell your house so he can spend your money on someone else, while your kids lose their home?

You have the right just to say no.

How did you afford the mortgage before him? Can you up hours or anything? Seems a shame to have to sell

@Dumpedonmotheraday I can't help but feel like he's trying to rush you into a committing to pay him a load of cash when you are upset and vulnerable. He broke up with you TODAY. I guarantee once it's broken in and your anger surfaces that you will feel less like you owe him anything. Just tell him you need some space to process your feelings and you will talk about money later.

The top and bottom is he’s contributed to your mortgage if he can prove that which he probably have an electronic record of no matter how big or small he will have a claim

so his theory is he wants everything penny back he’s contributed to relinquished his claim

I’d offer 10k as he’s had use of the house

A friend has been through similar, unless he has receipts/bank statements etc to show he paid for upkeep/maintaining and adding value to the house, you owe him nothing, even if it goes to court. Which will cost both him, and you, but worth paying out for so as to not loose a share in your house.
He would of still had to pay rent wherever he was living and what he's paid you the majority of the time I'm thinking was well under market value.
When I split after living with my ex who had paid off his mortgage and I have a child with, it didn't even enter my head to go after anything. What I paid him was effectively rent, and it cost me much less than if I had privately rented. The fact he gave up work to avoid paying child maintenance with his house paid off and loads of savings is what annoys me!!

You don't owe him anything. He lived cheaply for years in your home. Everyone has to pay for their accommodation. You are NOT his mother. Realistically, where I live a room in a house is £800 pcm. He paid £425 - £600 with his bills, food, cleaner, chef service included. Honestly, he's taking the piss. I wouldn't offer him a penny. He can rent somewhere with all the cash he's saved living with you.

OP can apply for mortgage support from DWP.
And renting will cost you MORE.
And if you have to leave because whatever - they are selling the house, moving back, doing it up - when you move to the next one, it will be REALLY HARD to prove the income.

DON'T SELL.
Get a lodger, do anything.
But hold onto your house.

You said you are a good way to paying off the mortgage.

Better to live on beans on toast in your own home. Really.

He's paid you rent. You don't owe him anything!

And what a dickhead to dump you on mother's day and then demand all this money.

I know you've said he won't go to court, but the case law on this is that HE (not you) would need to show there was a 'common intention' that his contribution was essentially in exchange for an interest in your property. Judges can infer this based on the actions and behaviours of both of you in those 20 months in particular. He can't just start paying your mortgage and 'earn' a beneficial interest, but I'd be carefully checking all your old texts or any other 'evidence' he might have saved that might indicate that you were going along with this (bearing in mind you say you're devastated by the split) and that it looks like you've reneged on your 'agreement' because you're bitter about being dumped.

Judges can also 'impute' (i.e. assign) intentions, even if those weren't the intentions of the parties at the time. They do this based on what is equitable and fair - and would of course factor in as PPs have said, that he can't expect to live for free and would have had to pay substantially more to house himself somewhere else.

Lastly, judges acknowledge that intentions can change over time. It's possible that he was making a kind gesture out of love at the time, trying to relieve some financial pressure off you. But now he's 'reinterpreting' that gesture in light of his decision to end the relationship. That would be factored into any decision in court as well.

I'd tread carefully. I get the feeling you're being rather naive that he won't pursue this, but even if he just threw his weight around with solicitor's letters and starting the claims process (with a view to settling for a lower sum out of court, and grab what he can), it could get very expensive for you. Do NOT make any conciliatory noises in the name of being amicable. You'll regret it later.

I think this is really sound advice. You’ve just had a big shock - don’t agree to anything, say you need some time and in a few weeks things might look a bit different.
sending hugs x

Basically on average in the past 4 years he's paid approximately £880/month. Including bills and food. If he was renting a room in your area would it be significantly cheaper?

I don't think you should pay anything back. When he was broke and in debt he got a place to stay for very cheap and get himself together while you paid the majority. He would have paid rent elsewhere anyway and I do think you should pay rent even to a partner (preferably have a contract). He should have thought about this before moving in with a partner who owns the house.

Yet another saying a big fat nothing.
If he wants to take it to court, let him. The house is in your sole name and you have built up equity. You have to house your kids.
He would have been paying rent and bills if he lived elsewhere - he has actually been a bit foolish but that's not your problem.
Think of it like this, every penny you give him is a penny less towards your kids future.
I'd just tell him you've been told to get legal advice and leave it like that for now. Let him spend the money on expensive solicitors fees.

Get a lawyer. You need someone unemotionally involved to have the best business outcome for you, which will also impact your kids.

You owe him nothing. It's your house, he would have shared bills etc for the duration, but that's normal esp if he earns more, which has only happened in recent times. When he was in debt for years no doubt your shouldered everything.

Offer him nothing, you are quits. At any stage he could have bought a house and didn't, shame for him.

Good luck x

if you average out his payments he STILL paid less than if he was living alone.

he was renting space from you. You wouldn’t ask a landlord for the money back and he shouldn’t from you.

So many women in a similar situation with the genders reversed wouldn’t even question the fact that they were owed nothing, and would blame themselves for being in a financially vulnerable situation. He paid rent to you for all those years. His choice.

Morally you don’t owe him anything. He paid the mortgage for the house he lived in at the time and to help his partner. You’ve broken up and he’s stopped paying for them. You don’t owe him anything back any more than you need to repay him for any dates, holidays, days out etc where he footed the bill or return any birthday/ valentines/ anniversary gifts etc. He chose to pay that much and was happy to do so at the time, he can’t retract it now because he has chosen to end the relationship. If you had cheated or were deceitful in some way or had tricked him into paying the mortgage I would say different but when a relationship has just run its course neither party gets to try and reclaim the costs of it.

The morally right thing, is to look after your children and yourself. Make sure you're housed and as comfortable as possible given you're no longer sharing bills.

So he tells a court he wants repaid for the mortgage payments he’s made, she replies “no earthly idea what you are talking about, he’s never made a mortgage payment, he made payments to me each month for his living expenses, at a level below market rent” what happens then?