How much do I owe ex?

[Dumpedonmotheraday]

My partner of seven years ended our relationship today. We weren’t married and have no children together, but he has been an excellent step-parent to my three kids and I am heartbroken. When we met, he had been made redundant and as a result had 5 figure debts. Over the years, he since built a successful career, paid off his debts, and gained a degree, while I also progressed in my career and completed a master’s degree. He also inherited £20k, which he spent on a holiday—none of it came my way.

We are now struggling to reach a fair financial separation. He moved into my home in 2021, at which point I had already paid off nearly half of my mortgage. Initially, he paid £425 a month (which included bills), this later increased to £600 in 2022. About 20 months ago, when my mortgage was half paid off, he took over the £1k monthly mortgage payments and continued to pay around £400 towards bills. I paid for the big grocery shops.

Now, he’s asking for this £20k back, saying that’s what he has contributed to the mortgage. We never had a legal agreement in place, as neither of us wanted to spend money on lawyers. I want to do the morally right thing.

what do I owe him? I will have to sell up either way.

As a qualified lawyer I would not feel comfortable dispensing such an unequivocal assessment of his entitlement on the basis of relatively spare facts. The OP does indeed need advice from a lawyer who has all the relevant facts.

I would work out how much he has paid into the mortgage over the seven years then subtract all the bills etc including the upkeep of the house and a "fair rent". I suspect you'll find you owe him very little as the £1000 a month is somewhat offset by the amount he was giving you at the beginning.

If you assume £500 fair rent plus bills and food, I suspect £800 a month.
£800 x 84 (12x7) = £67, 200
Minus the £20,000 is £47, 200.
So unless the remainder totals that, I suspect he owes you money...

The length of a marriage is irrelevant in most cases.

Very broad, and crudely, the 'ideal' solution for a divorce court (in England) is 50/50split and no ongoing maintenance (assuming no kids). You have to argue hard to move away from that assumption if you're both able to be financially independent and haven't sacrificed a career for the marriage etc

If finances are tricky it's almost certainly better to get some legal advice, even if only a few hours to help you understand what the courts would use as a guideline - you don't have to launch a full blown legal divorce case.

I'm interested to know more about the legal claim he would have?

My understanding is that there is no cohabitation law or protection in England and I wouldn't think where he pays money really makes that much difference over any claim on her property. Genuinely curious to learn what legal claim he could have..

@DailyDoily The length of a marriage absolutely does matter when looking at finances in a divorce! Do you really think a man walks away with 50% of what his wife has (assuming she’s very rich) after 1 year of marriage? The years married matter. Here there’s no marriage. The partner has to prove he has a claim. I posted earlier how this is considered. He doesn’t have an entitlement to anything as they were not married.

@TizerorFizz you aren’t a lawyer so why are you saying this? If he makes a claim in common intention constructive trust it will have to be heard and a judge will make a decision on the facts. But he may have a legal entitlement. You cannot say that he does not on the information given so far.
it has precisely zero to do with the length of the relationship. It isn’t a marriage. It’s not a divorce.

I agree it is better to negotiate. Once lawyers get involved costs will spiral. @Dumpedonmotheraday offer him 3k

@Delphigirl I was answering another poster who mentioned marriage! I know they weren’t married. I also know claims are not the same as a legal entitlement. If the read the thread, most posters advise the OP to think nothing more about it. What are you saying to them?

Him going to court is the nuclear weapon given what he’s paid. Of course he can try.

The thread, in fact the whole of the legal section, isn’t just for lawyers. It says posters aren’t qualified (unless they say so) but lots of family law firms offer opinions on this which are easy to read and quote relevant cases. Earlier I posted what he needed to show to have a claim as set out by the court of appeal. That’s not saying he would or would not be successful and many cases, I understand, are not. It would be down to advice about whether making “helping out” payments for two years constituted a claim. It’s a leap to say he would go to court and be successful.

Thing is, OP hasn’t got any cash to negotiate with. His claim- of any size- means she’ll have to sell her home! I would urge her to get some legal advice to set her straight (hopefully reassuring her that he has no realistic legal claim and no moral claim at all ) and do whatever she needs to do to keep the house. Not start offering sums of money which would make him think he can get more. He shouldn’t get anything!

Resolution.org.uk is a good place to look for advice. They are working to get cohabiting people a better deal. Most people who have nothing after a relationship breaks down are women. They have members who would offer good advice.

Why are you being a people pleaser? If you give him anything you're putting him before your kids.
He's entitled to fuck all & is trying it on, probably with the knowledge that you are a decent person.
YOU OWE HIM NOTHING.

The op has stated she can't afford to keep the house without him. He's been paying the mortgage for the last 20 months as she couldn't. If he hasn't anything in writing confirming it's the mortgage payment, a text checking the amount or even the bank reference I'd be surprised.

If my maths is correct (I'm tired), and assuming he moved in 1 January 2021 that's:

20 x 1400
20 x 600
11 x 425

44676

Which averages £876 per month.

Average bills for two people taken from Zoopla 2025, inc utilities, broadband, £40 on netflix/sky/spotify, council tax plus £500 on groceries is around £850, but make it £1000 to factor in things like higher energy bills assuming it has at least three bedrooms, loss of 25% council tax discount stuff like takeaways.

51 x 500

44676 - 25500

19176 / 51

Which averages an additional 376 per month on top of his share of the bills.

So it depends whether, morally, you think he should be charged rent or not. Personally I disagree with charging a partner rent on top of bills because the additional wear and tear on a property is minimal, and if they broke something I'd expect them to replace it. To me it would feel wrong to be profiting from the arrangement, especially if part of being an excellent step father has included regular childcare and things like frequent pickups/drop offs.

If you do decide to offer him something, it may be that he would agree for it to be paid in instalments over a period of time, or at some point in the future, if it meant you were able to figure out a way to keep your house.

@Jaehee Of course if he was wonderful the money situation would never have arisen. Not sure if he asked or whether op is mulling it over. Rent is not what most cohabitees do. Money given is an overall contribution towards living in a house you don’t own and helping with all costs associated with living there including food, laundry, replacement things that break, etc. Totting everything up on each side is soul destroying!

If he had been paying his way from the start and not had OP massively subsidizing him, she would have had more money to pay the mortgage

I would never move into someone else's home or vice versa for reasons like the OP's situation plus my own awful experience. It would be joint ownership with either ringfencing or a 50/50 split, or nothing. My friend gave up her rented flat a couple of years ago to move in with her long-term partner who owns. He's a high-ish earner while she earns very little as has health problems, which meant she also had to give up her means tested benefits. She doesn't pay him any rent, just contributes towards bills, no children involved or going to be involved but all their finances are kept separate. So he's doing alright but she's now worse off as well as being dependent on him.

He wasn't paying a mortgage, he was paying you rent unless you were considered to be in a common law marriage, then you should talk to a lawyer.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A COMMON LAW MARRIAGE!!!

Sorry to "shout" but it really shocks me how many people still believe this. It was never a thing.

@PyongyangKipperbang. I too find this insistence on “common law marriage” bizarre and frankly shocking in this day and age. Women have so much more information available to them about what cohabiting means financially . As do men of course.

Morally you owe him nothing. Get legal advice but it looks as if he underpaid for several years. His recent payments were effectively paying you back. Don't let him bamboozle you.

Also - if he sent you texts where he said things strategically that you didn't pay attention to, that doesn't mean that they are 'the truth'!

I would calculate main house costs over the time and his contribution to the 50% of the costs, anything left over I would round up and give to him. With a letter he and you must sign stating that the amount given is a goodwill payment of xxx from you to him and a gift and does not represent any acknowledgement or acceptance of any financial liability or obligation by either party and both parties accept that no monies are owed by either party. This just protects you as you would not want to gift him money and then he sues you. I also agree that you have no liability but I think it’s the morally right thing to do, just ensure you have a clear calculation of how you got to a fair figure. If he is unhappy and won’t sign don’t give him any money,

I’ve said this multiple times on this thread but still people think it’s a thing. As we know, if this was the other way round, we’d be telling the OP she was unfortunately entitled to nothing as she had not married and was not on the deeds and there are no children. Yet here we have people falling over themselves helping the OP to work out a sum they think she owes him on the basis of a common law marriage that doesn’t exist. It’s utterly bizarre. Again, he’s paid towards living in the house. Again you would not go to the landlord of your rental and demand all your payments back because you were leaving.

It’s quite simple OP needs proper legal advice
to see if the 20k plus he paid to her mortgage gives him a legal stake in her house

the fact
he left In Mother’s Day
aunties uncles brother rents in area
and rent are £700 a month
he paid no rent
he’s not a good person
are all irrelevant