How much do I owe ex?

[Dumpedonmotheraday]

My partner of seven years ended our relationship today. We weren’t married and have no children together, but he has been an excellent step-parent to my three kids and I am heartbroken. When we met, he had been made redundant and as a result had 5 figure debts. Over the years, he since built a successful career, paid off his debts, and gained a degree, while I also progressed in my career and completed a master’s degree. He also inherited £20k, which he spent on a holiday—none of it came my way.

We are now struggling to reach a fair financial separation. He moved into my home in 2021, at which point I had already paid off nearly half of my mortgage. Initially, he paid £425 a month (which included bills), this later increased to £600 in 2022. About 20 months ago, when my mortgage was half paid off, he took over the £1k monthly mortgage payments and continued to pay around £400 towards bills. I paid for the big grocery shops.

Now, he’s asking for this £20k back, saying that’s what he has contributed to the mortgage. We never had a legal agreement in place, as neither of us wanted to spend money on lawyers. I want to do the morally right thing.

what do I owe him? I will have to sell up either way.

OP In your shoes I would;

1. Calculate how much he would have had to pay per year to rent a decent room elsewhere, the highest amount as he had access to the rest of the house etc Do the same with a house rental. Arrive at a figure between the two
2. Deduct that from what he's paid
3. Think about the fact that being with you enabled him to clear debt and earn what he does now. Is that worth a sum too? That compensates for any morally right stuff, particularly as you never saw any of his inheritance benefit.

4 Write these numbers down

5 Sleep on it for a number of days while remaining aware of the fact that legally you know you owe him zero

6 Then think again and decide

Do not rush into anything

Get legal advice.

Whilst it's nice to be morally correct, you need to know where you stand legally- as that's the benchmark here.

I'm so sorry you are in this position. It's so raw so Take a breath. Take stock, work out a budget over the coming days. Whatever you owe or not owe, it's not a priority right now. Paying next month's bills is the priority- so focus on this.

👏👏

Okay - retired Bank Manager here. My thoughts are that you owe him NOTHING. Here's why :

2021 - he paid £425 per month. This is a total piss take. I eat and drink £425 a month! He wasn't paying half of his bills and food. You basically paid for him in 2021, enabling him to direct most of his money to his debts. So he owes you for 2021.

2022 till August 2023 he only paid £600pm - again, that's nowhere near half of the bills and food, so you subsidised him AGAIN.

August 2023 till March 2025 - he paid around £1400pm. This is more reasonable. But, he doesn't get that money back because it costs money to live. He had a roof over his head and food in his tummy - that's what he paid for.

It's hard to do the calculations properly, but if you could lay out exactly what months he paid £450, £600 and £1400, and exactly what the household bills were at that time, I could do the sums properly.

Remember he repaid his debts because you subsidised him, and he kept all his inheritance to himself. He also finished with you on MOTHER'S DAY. What a dick! Don't give him a penny xx

I don’t think anyone would advise a woman who contributed 20k to a partner’s mortgage they were entitled to nothing

get legal advice but OP does sound completely reasonable and recognises there is a claim just can’t work out how much

saying you’d I’d paid rent elsewhere and that he paid his debts off is irrelevant

I thought about this before replying and I think my stance would be exactly the same. In that situation I would say its unfortunate you never had a legal agreement drawn up because you don't have a leg to stand on. You effectively paid fair rent for the years that you were there and this was always a risk.

Honestly they would. It is the myth of the common law spouse.

It’s nothing to do with common law spouse
it more they have made a financial contribution directly to the mortgage rather than running cost so they would be able to put a case for to stake a beneficial interest in house they don’t even have to be in a relationship

paying gas , electric and food doesn’t count

He paid her the money into her account. He didn’t pay direct into the mortgage. She then chose how to distribute the money.

Get advice and don't pay a pay more than you have to.

saying you’d I’d paid rent elsewhere and that he paid his debts off is irrelevant

It's literally one of the most relevant things here!

Op, if he rented somewhere, he wouldn’t be able to move out and claim all the money back from his landlord.
what about all the years he was paying next to nothing to live in your home?
you don’t owe him anything at all.

That may be the case but would be a weak argument in court.

What's morally right or wrong is irrelevant, because judges don't make decisions based on morality.

People haven't liked my posts on here but I'm actually trying to help OP. I have been through this myself, all the way to court, except my ex never actually contributed anything to my mortgage or even the bills which is why he lost. I've received enough legal advice and read enough case law to last me a lifetime.

IF OP's ex decides to pursue a claim for this she is on very shaky ground and needs to think carefully about how she proceeds. She would be wise to get legal advice on this ASAP. There are free law clinics, home insurance law helplines, and many solicitors offer 30 minutes for free. Once it gets to the point of solicitors letters, you might as well start setting fire to wads of £50s.

Men rarely leave without another woman lined up. Do you really want to sell your home (!), hand over £20k and then find it's gone towards his new place with his new woman while you and the kids are renting or living in a worse house?

Your kids are your responsibility; he is not. Just think about what's best for the dc.

Oh and I would speak to your mortgage provider before selling your house. You could lengthen the term to bring the payments down, maybe? Try to keep your house if you can.

@FortyElephants The asset is separate. He’s not the legal owner of the house. He didn’t directly pay the mortgage. What he needs to prove is beneficial interest and it will be mighty expensive for him to do that. As the op has DC, it’s grasping at straws. He knows that so he wants money, This is why women need the cohabiting agreement and so many are very foolish.

But paying £1400 is never going to be enough to get a beneficial arrangement. £10k a month maybe. Is he’d paid for an extension or paid for a new kitchen or some other capital investment into the property I expect he could argue he’s invested in the property and should get that investment back. £1.4k a month is just living expenses.
his share of bills for example:
Council tax £100
Utlitlies: £150
House Insurance: £50
Wear and tear contribution £100
sky/netflix (?) £50
groceries £400
cleaner/window cleaner/ other household costs/ use of car etc
we are already up to £850. There is maybe more depending on what their household spends. I know that is a rough estimate you get the idea. He’s not immune to have to pay those costs as part of his daily life. He doesn’t just get to pick and say ‘I was paying off the mortgage but you can subsidise the rest of my life!’

Nothing! You owe him nothing.

look at what you’ve both contributed towards joint bills (whoever’s name they may have been in, you both benefitted from them) over the entirety of your relationship. This includes mortgage, council tax, utility bills, tv and internet, supermarket shops etc etc. He was paying peanuts at the beginning and you were heavily subsidising his life.

I wouldn't feel morally obliged to give anything to someone who has no morals, he happily lived with you, he can't expect to have lived rent free and how strange the holiday costs the exact amount he's asking you for.

You have to put yourself and kids first.
He has no claim either legally or morally. If you were asking him to leave, I can see that it might make you feel better, giving him something to cushion the blow.
But that's not what happened. He is leaving you.
Can you stay put by extending the term?

So you housed this man whilst he was in a huge amount of debt, let him pay a discounted rate of rent and bills compared to what he would have had to pay if he was running his own home so that he could pay his debts and get back on his feet, then he dumps you out of the blue and wants 20k.

Tell him to do one and get out of your life. Morally and legally you owe him F all.

If he wants to leave, leave but he doesn’t get to leave a single mother in a financially vulnerable place just because he’s feeling greedy.

The main thing OP is SAY NOTHING RIGHT NOW.
Right now this is raw, you are reacting to a horrible situation. You are a nice person, until 24hrs ago you though this was your life partner. So of course you want to be nice and fair.
But things may change over the next days and weeks, and more information may come to light.
You dont know what the lay of the land is and you don't know the legal position. All you have is what he asked for.

It's clear he is not in a super strong position legally as it's your property, predates him and he isn't named on the mortgage. So view this as his opening negotiation stance. Nothing more.
You say "thanks for your views" and nothing more. He chases you, you say "I'm reviewing my position " and nothing more.
Give yourself the gift of time, he needs to move out and you need to get some legal advice, do your sums and see what you can and cannot afford regardless of him. Then if and when you decide he does deserve something back he gets it when you can afford it and not before. So if it's contigent on a house sale, he has to wait until that. If it's contingent on you saving some money each month, he waits on that. There does not need to be a lump sum and certainly not to his timing

And that’s before you even start to think about bills and food etc.

OP you owe nothing.

How much were you supporting him when he paid off 5 figures of debt?

I would speak to a solicitor. I'd look at local rents and at what he was paying before he lived with you but I'd be very tempted to say you owe him nothing.