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Original poster

How much do I owe ex?

374 replies

Dumpedonmotheraday · 30/03/2025 20:23

My partner of seven years ended our relationship today. We weren’t married and have no children together, but he has been an excellent step-parent to my three kids and I am heartbroken. When we met, he had been made redundant and as a result had 5 figure debts. Over the years, he since built a successful career, paid off his debts, and gained a degree, while I also progressed in my career and completed a master’s degree. He also inherited £20k, which he spent on a holiday—none of it came my way.

We are now struggling to reach a fair financial separation. He moved into my home in 2021, at which point I had already paid off nearly half of my mortgage. Initially, he paid £425 a month (which included bills), this later increased to £600 in 2022. About 20 months ago, when my mortgage was half paid off, he took over the £1k monthly mortgage payments and continued to pay around £400 towards bills. I paid for the big grocery shops.

Now, he’s asking for this £20k back, saying that’s what he has contributed to the mortgage. We never had a legal agreement in place, as neither of us wanted to spend money on lawyers. I want to do the morally right thing.

what do I owe him? I will have to sell up either way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dumpedonmotheraday · 31/03/2025 07:39

Thank you everyone. Horrible night sleep with worry.

OP posts:
StartAnew · 31/03/2025 07:39

dirtyyoungtown · 30/03/2025 20:43

You owe him absolutely nothing. Tell him to take you to court and a judge would tell him the same thing.

Unless his name is on the mortgage he has no entitlement to any payment. He was essentially paying rent to you to live in your house.

If he was paying OP rent then it would be taxable. Share of bills would be ok but not rent. Easy to have hindsight but I think OP has a point about paying something back.

TizerorFizz · 31/03/2025 07:45

@DBD1975. He’s no claim unless a court says he does. It’s not automatic because he’s not on the deeds or the mortgage agreement. The OP should not ever have let him pay the mortgage company direct (if she did!). If he just handed over money, that’s different. As there’s no DC or a marriage he’s not likely to be able to establish he’s owed anything after 7 years. However it’s utterly foolish not to have a cohabiting agreement to protect money and DC if nothing else.

MinnieGirl · 31/03/2025 07:47

So he dumped you yesterday, on Mother’s Day, out of the blue. And the same day he’s asking for £20,000…what a dick!

If he wasn’t living with you all that time, he would have had to pay rent and bills and food shopping etc. And £1400 a month is what he could be paying for rent alone. So he’s lived very cheaply in your house which has allowed him to pay off his debts. I would not discuss it any further but I would make an appointment with a solicitor. They will be able to give you the correct legal position and you can then make informed decisions.

But you talk about doing the moral thing….you need to put that aside and think about what’s best for you and your children. You say you would need to sell the house without his contribution. Well selling a house costs dearly in fees etc. So don’t go giving away money unless you have to.
I don’t think he’s got a leg to stand on, he’s just trying it on. But get legal advice.

HTH1 · 31/03/2025 07:49

If we’re talking morality, I would say the question is how much does he owe you? He has been helping with your DC and would be wrong just to pull any financial support away, especially as you’re at risk of losing your home. He also should have shared that inheritance and you supported him enough to get out of debt and get a good job.

nightmarepickle2025 · 31/03/2025 07:52

Some of that 20k paid to the mortgage is interest not equity though so asking for the whole amount isn’t ‘morally’ right. He’d have been paying that in rent somewhere anyway.

Also for all the months he was paying 400/600 you were hugely subsidising him.

i’d work out what amount of those 20 mortgage payments actually paid off the principal rather than interest and start from there.

also weird that he’s asking for this the day he ends things with you, pretty callous to get into the financials straight away, what’s going on with him?

CantStopMoving · 31/03/2025 07:53

StartAnew · 31/03/2025 07:39

If he was paying OP rent then it would be taxable. Share of bills would be ok but not rent. Easy to have hindsight but I think OP has a point about paying something back.

Show quote history

When people are saying rent i don’t think anyone means literal rent in terms of an arms length business transaction , they are using it to mean covering a share of bills. He’s giving her a lump sum a month rather than paying bills individually. That is what rent covers in general. Rent is just an easier way to refer to it. What he isn’t doing is specifically paying an amount off the mortgage to gain a share of the property despite what he might think.

PicaK · 31/03/2025 07:54

You can ring divorce lawyers and they usually give you some ball park advice on the phone.
You have to treat this as if you were getting divorced in terms of YOU PUT THE KIDS FIRST
Never mind him, he's walking out and demanding £20k of their inheritance. Wake up. Stuff wanting to be fair (he isn't going to come back because you're reasonable and nice)
He's contributed to family life and now he wants to go. He doesn't get it back to set up a love nest with someone else.

Cosyblankets · 31/03/2025 07:57

Where was he living before and how much was that costing him?

StartAnew · 31/03/2025 08:00

CantStopMoving · 31/03/2025 07:53

When people are saying rent i don’t think anyone means literal rent in terms of an arms length business transaction , they are using it to mean covering a share of bills. He’s giving her a lump sum a month rather than paying bills individually. That is what rent covers in general. Rent is just an easier way to refer to it. What he isn’t doing is specifically paying an amount off the mortgage to gain a share of the property despite what he might think.

Edited
Show quote history

OP said that from a couple of years ago he continued to pay 400 towards bills as well as 1000 for the mortgage.
She feels ok about returning some money. Clearly the 1400 paid each month was more than just bills and if she draws attention to it by arguing legally she may realise she has back tax to pay.

femfemlicious · 31/03/2025 08:03

Offer him 5k . Write him a letter explaining the timeline as you did here. Tell him you don't owe him Anything but you are offering him 5k to end this amicably.

Do not assume this man will not sue you. You are no longer in a relationship with him and men can get pretty mean when a relationship is over. Make your language non confrontational

Preggers101 · 31/03/2025 08:04

Tell him you'll think about it. He only broke up with you very recently (today). Let him move out, you can consider your next move, reflect on the relationship and then make a decision a few months down the line.

Doggymummar · 31/03/2025 08:08

You don't owe him anything until a court says you do. Stand firm. Men rarely leave to go to nothing, so there is another woman she just hadn't shown up yet. Remortgage your house to get the payments down, economise and ignore the CF.

PsychoHotSauce · 31/03/2025 08:09

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 30/03/2025 21:21

I am afraid everyone saying you owe him nothing is talking rubbish.

Legally he is entitled because he has lived with you and paid money towards your mortgage.

You need to get proper legal advice before you do anything but as an absolute minimum you will probably own him a % of the incrsse in value over the time he has been living with you, not just the 2 years he has paid the mortgage in full.

To say "Legally he is entitled" is overstating his position. The legal presumption is that the interest(s) are held by the name(s) on the legal title (OP), and then it's all on him to prove otherwise.

That doesn't mean he can't be a dick and cost OP a lot of money, only for her to end up settling out of sheer exhaustion with it all. It really does depend on what OP has said in the past that can be used as evidence - in texts or even if he's secretly recorded her* that could be interpreted that she agreed that the mortgage payments were a contribution to the property itself, and he was 'buying in'.

OP if you see this and scoff, my advice is assume nothing* about him. Apparently he just upped and ended the relationship yesterday, and in the same breath asked for his £20k back. That doesn't come out of nowhere, he's been planning this for a while.

He could be a chancer or he could have what he thinks is an ace up his sleeve 'proving' an agreement. All it has to be is enough for a solicitor to throw their weight around with stressful letters and threats, and submit a Part 7 claim.

femfemlicious · 31/03/2025 08:10

If I were you, I would find a way to keep the house unless you buy a smaller cheaper property. If you sell, you won't be entitled to benefits until you spend most of the money. You will have taken yourself back many steps

FortyElephants · 31/03/2025 08:11

This is why women should keep their own assets separate from their partner if they own a property and have kids! What a messy situation.

Personally I don't think you 'owe' him anything. He didn't marry you or pay to have a cohabitation agreement set up that would have formalised any contribution to your mortgage. However I strongly disagree with people who have a mortgage taking 'rent' from their partner who doesn't get a stake in the asset. I think it's profiteering and selfish. Instead of giving you rent he could have saved towards his own asset while your asset increased in value. Instead all the while you cut your mortgage payments in half due to his contribution.

Can you really not afford the house without him? Any way you can rent a room out? If you sell the house I think he may have a claim on some of your equity because you let him pay towards the mortgage and if he wants to seek legal advice he might be successful. Maybe offer him £5k to go away.

FortyElephants · 31/03/2025 08:14

StartAnew · 31/03/2025 07:39

If he was paying OP rent then it would be taxable. Share of bills would be ok but not rent. Easy to have hindsight but I think OP has a point about paying something back.

Show quote history

Actually no, you can charge a lodger up to £7500 a year in rent tax free.

edited to say it's per year! Not per month

StartAnew · 31/03/2025 08:15

FortyElephants · 31/03/2025 08:14

Actually no, you can charge a lodger up to £7500 a year in rent tax free.

edited to say it's per year! Not per month

Edited
Show quote history

Ah, good point! He's a lodger not a tenant. One less complication.

Lovelysummerdays · 31/03/2025 08:17

FortyElephants · 31/03/2025 08:14

Actually no, you can charge a lodger up to £7500 a year in rent tax free.

edited to say it's per year! Not per month

Edited
Show quote history

A year that’ll be but also you can account for share of bills council tax and food to bring the sum down.

Delphigirl · 31/03/2025 08:17

It seems that for the last 20 months he has paid £400 pcm more than the level of rental previously agreed. Now COL has meant you could possibly argue it would have raised to say 650 when he took over the mortgage payments, but I would say that a fair sum to compromise at would be 350 x 20 Ie £7000

Delphigirl · 31/03/2025 08:18

FortyElephants · 31/03/2025 08:14

Actually no, you can charge a lodger up to £7500 a year in rent tax free.

edited to say it's per year! Not per month

Edited
Show quote history

.

Bikergran · 31/03/2025 08:20

Dumpedonmotheraday · 30/03/2025 20:23

My partner of seven years ended our relationship today. We weren’t married and have no children together, but he has been an excellent step-parent to my three kids and I am heartbroken. When we met, he had been made redundant and as a result had 5 figure debts. Over the years, he since built a successful career, paid off his debts, and gained a degree, while I also progressed in my career and completed a master’s degree. He also inherited £20k, which he spent on a holiday—none of it came my way.

We are now struggling to reach a fair financial separation. He moved into my home in 2021, at which point I had already paid off nearly half of my mortgage. Initially, he paid £425 a month (which included bills), this later increased to £600 in 2022. About 20 months ago, when my mortgage was half paid off, he took over the £1k monthly mortgage payments and continued to pay around £400 towards bills. I paid for the big grocery shops.

Now, he’s asking for this £20k back, saying that’s what he has contributed to the mortgage. We never had a legal agreement in place, as neither of us wanted to spend money on lawyers. I want to do the morally right thing.

what do I owe him? I will have to sell up either way.

Unless you have something in writing, I think you and you children should stay in YOUR house. Legally I don't think he has a leg to stand on, as long as his name isn't on the mortgage. Take legal advice immediately. Don't disrupt your children's lives any more than this has already. Grit your teeth and prepare to be a b*tch. Being nice and reasonable is, at best, going to leave you in a much smaller house and cripple you financially.

TwistedWonder · 31/03/2025 08:22

Don’t discuss it any further with him without getting proper advice. Hes trying it on hoping you’ll just give in and hand over a wad of cash.
He’s absolutely not entitled to 20k but don’t make any sort of counter offer as thats what he’s expecting

JustMyView13 · 31/03/2025 08:23

He’s left you. He gets nothing. The CF.
A portion of the £20k he paid is interest & not repayment. And he would’ve otherwise spent a comparable amount (or more) on rent.
You should’ve got the legal paperwork drawn up, but sounds like he was too tight. A lesson to all.

I guess what he’s suggesting is he gets to walk out & cash in on [he decides how longs worth of] free living. It’s a firm no from me.

Unrelated38 · 31/03/2025 08:38

Nothing.
If you rented a house for 50 years and paid the owners entire mortgage off you'd be entitled to diddly squat.
He paid to live in your house. He gave his girlfriend money. He doesn't get it back when you split. It's not a loan.

Let him take you to court if he feels so strongly.