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Original poster

How much do I owe ex?

374 replies

Dumpedonmotheraday · 30/03/2025 20:23

My partner of seven years ended our relationship today. We weren’t married and have no children together, but he has been an excellent step-parent to my three kids and I am heartbroken. When we met, he had been made redundant and as a result had 5 figure debts. Over the years, he since built a successful career, paid off his debts, and gained a degree, while I also progressed in my career and completed a master’s degree. He also inherited £20k, which he spent on a holiday—none of it came my way.

We are now struggling to reach a fair financial separation. He moved into my home in 2021, at which point I had already paid off nearly half of my mortgage. Initially, he paid £425 a month (which included bills), this later increased to £600 in 2022. About 20 months ago, when my mortgage was half paid off, he took over the £1k monthly mortgage payments and continued to pay around £400 towards bills. I paid for the big grocery shops.

Now, he’s asking for this £20k back, saying that’s what he has contributed to the mortgage. We never had a legal agreement in place, as neither of us wanted to spend money on lawyers. I want to do the morally right thing.

what do I owe him? I will have to sell up either way.

OP posts:
BBKP · 31/03/2025 19:29

Even if you did want to give him some back, those £1k payments will include interest as well it doesn’t equal like for like equity

BBKP · 31/03/2025 19:31

Also he had many years where him being there probably cost you more than he paid!

Miyagi99 · 31/03/2025 19:32

Nothing.

Riaanna · 31/03/2025 19:37

CinnamonJellyBeans · 30/03/2025 20:25

Zero

That’s not correct.

CantStopMoving · 31/03/2025 19:37

@Genevieva I don’t understand the moral argument. If he was living alone his rent and all his bills would have been at least £1k-£1.3k a month. Why should he be better off as a result of living with the OP in her property for a few years? He hasn’t invested in the property or seemingly done anything to indicate he has gone over and above just general outgoing expenses.

Riaanna · 31/03/2025 19:39

Honestly - this isn’t about what you owe him it’s about how much you’re willing to pay him to go away versus spend in court fees. He’s paid the mortgage. You owe him something.

Crazyworldmum · 31/03/2025 19:51

You owe him nothing . If you want to pay him for the last 20 months then give him half of what he paid on that time ( mortgage only ) but to be honest I don’t think you need to feel obligated to this . He is an adult . had he alway paid part of the mortgage when he lived there ?

Icyboy · 31/03/2025 19:56

Don't listen to these women and be very careful here. If he can prove that he has contributed to the mortgage especially paying as much as he did then he will have a legal right to something and I'd say asking for the 20k was a fair comprise.

TheFormidableMrsC · 31/03/2025 20:14

Icyboy · 31/03/2025 19:56

Don't listen to these women and be very careful here. If he can prove that he has contributed to the mortgage especially paying as much as he did then he will have a legal right to something and I'd say asking for the 20k was a fair comprise.

Are you the ex? “These women” 🙄

OCDmama · 31/03/2025 20:17

You owe him nothing. You owe your kids the best that you can give them though. Taking 20k from your future housing budget risks that.

sandgrown · 31/03/2025 20:23

To take you to court he would have to go under TOLATA rules and it costs a fortune. You can either be generous and offer him a bit back or just give him nothing .

CantStopMoving · 31/03/2025 20:36

Icyboy · 31/03/2025 19:56

Don't listen to these women and be very careful here. If he can prove that he has contributed to the mortgage especially paying as much as he did then he will have a legal right to something and I'd say asking for the 20k was a fair comprise.

Are you saying a lodger would gain a beneficial interest in a property as they paid a lump sum which the OP uses towards her mortgage?.

Spinmerightroundbaby · 31/03/2025 20:39

Don’t worry. You owe him nada. He could argue direct financial contributions give him something of course and go to court but under schedule 1 Children Act 1989 you could argue you should stay in the house until the youngest is 18 anyway.

lackofvitamindd · 31/03/2025 20:44

when I bought my ex out of a house we both owned. I wasn’t allowed to claim any of the additional mortgage payments I’d made as he needed to pay rent to be housed. Turn this around / he’s been paying you rent!
if not you he’d have no doubt paid a lot more elsewhere!!

CosyBiscuit · 31/03/2025 21:08

MinnieGirl · 31/03/2025 07:47

So he dumped you yesterday, on Mother’s Day, out of the blue. And the same day he’s asking for £20,000…what a dick!

If he wasn’t living with you all that time, he would have had to pay rent and bills and food shopping etc. And £1400 a month is what he could be paying for rent alone. So he’s lived very cheaply in your house which has allowed him to pay off his debts. I would not discuss it any further but I would make an appointment with a solicitor. They will be able to give you the correct legal position and you can then make informed decisions.

But you talk about doing the moral thing….you need to put that aside and think about what’s best for you and your children. You say you would need to sell the house without his contribution. Well selling a house costs dearly in fees etc. So don’t go giving away money unless you have to.
I don’t think he’s got a leg to stand on, he’s just trying it on. But get legal advice.

This!!!
shocking to dump you on Mother’s Day. You talk about what is morally right, him doing that isn’t.
Get advice from legal. Long story with something similar to mum and stepdad, solicitor said nothing would be owed as he would have had to pay fees to live elsewhere.

keep your funds for your family. You supported him with his debts. Good luck x

Pippyls67 · 31/03/2025 21:36

Depends if you want to remain friends going forward. For the sake of your children you might like to. Take what ever he actually used above and beyond the £400 a month ( you had previously worked out £600 as a reasonable sum so it should be £200) away from the £1000 he paid each month and give him the residual back. This is £800 multiplied by the 20 months he paid the £1000. In other words £16,000. If you have issues over the food he ate then you should discuss coming to a fair contribution on his part towards the food bills you exclusively paid. For the sake of your children I would try to keep things amicable and as magnanimous as possible between you both.

TwinklySquid · 31/03/2025 22:14

He would have had to pay rent if he wasn’t living with you. You had no agreement. I’d get an hour with a solicitor to see what they say.

TheFormidableMrsC · 31/03/2025 22:28

Pippyls67 · 31/03/2025 21:36

Depends if you want to remain friends going forward. For the sake of your children you might like to. Take what ever he actually used above and beyond the £400 a month ( you had previously worked out £600 as a reasonable sum so it should be £200) away from the £1000 he paid each month and give him the residual back. This is £800 multiplied by the 20 months he paid the £1000. In other words £16,000. If you have issues over the food he ate then you should discuss coming to a fair contribution on his part towards the food bills you exclusively paid. For the sake of your children I would try to keep things amicable and as magnanimous as possible between you both.

There are no children between the OP and the ex. Why on Earth do people keep saying he’s owed money back for living there? Why? He is not. Again, if you moved out of your lodgings or rental, you’d go to your landlord and ask for all your payments back would you? Of course you wouldn’t. He’s a fucking chancer.

TizerorFizz · 31/03/2025 22:54

@Icyboy “Paying as much as he did” - not much over 7 years! He paid very little for 5 of them. He’s no beneficial interest in the OPs house. He can try but the costs will wipe out any gain. What about what the OP didn’t get when he paid a pittance? It’s not a worthwhile contribution to acquire a beneficial interest.

Feelinglost10 · 31/03/2025 22:58

Dumpedonmotheraday · 30/03/2025 20:23

My partner of seven years ended our relationship today. We weren’t married and have no children together, but he has been an excellent step-parent to my three kids and I am heartbroken. When we met, he had been made redundant and as a result had 5 figure debts. Over the years, he since built a successful career, paid off his debts, and gained a degree, while I also progressed in my career and completed a master’s degree. He also inherited £20k, which he spent on a holiday—none of it came my way.

We are now struggling to reach a fair financial separation. He moved into my home in 2021, at which point I had already paid off nearly half of my mortgage. Initially, he paid £425 a month (which included bills), this later increased to £600 in 2022. About 20 months ago, when my mortgage was half paid off, he took over the £1k monthly mortgage payments and continued to pay around £400 towards bills. I paid for the big grocery shops.

Now, he’s asking for this £20k back, saying that’s what he has contributed to the mortgage. We never had a legal agreement in place, as neither of us wanted to spend money on lawyers. I want to do the morally right thing.

what do I owe him? I will have to sell up either way.

Realistically he wud of had to pay rent elsewhere if he wasn’t living in your house. Pay him nothing. Or a small amount as a good will gesture

AnotherNaCha · 31/03/2025 23:04

Dumpedonmotheraday · 30/03/2025 20:41

Those of you saying zero. On what basis?

He’s not on the mortgage. He was basically paying rent. To live. That’s non-refundable. For him to litigate it would probably cost him 20k so it’s highly unlikely and I seriously doubt there’s a case

AnotherNaCha · 31/03/2025 23:06

Also, you have kids to home. Do not sell up.

AnotherNaCha · 31/03/2025 23:08

Icyboy · 31/03/2025 19:56

Don't listen to these women and be very careful here. If he can prove that he has contributed to the mortgage especially paying as much as he did then he will have a legal right to something and I'd say asking for the 20k was a fair comprise.

This is BS

OnTheBoardwalk · 31/03/2025 23:08

There are no children

rent in my area is so much more than my mortgage

you owe him nothing you have housed him and he’s paid you rent for many years

youve paid a lot off your mortgage. Speak to them about extending your term

AnotherNaCha · 31/03/2025 23:10

And why did he suddenly take over mortgage payments so recently, sounds like he had an exit plan… not a clever one but still