He wants to move back to his country - decision making.

[Stanwyck]

I’m in my early 30s and been talking about getting married/having kids etc. We live in the UK and he recently said he’s open to living here for the foreseeable. He is from Denmark originally.

But out of nowhere today he sat me down and said he’s been seriously thinking about it and he wants to return to Denmark within the next decade. He loves me but finds it hard to imagine long term in the UK.

In this country, I have my parents and other family, my best friends and my community. However I do love this man and he’s the only man I’ve wanted kids with. I see myself being with him in 20-30 years time.

Also during this conversation he gave me a beautiful ring and a handwritten poem but didn’t propose. So I view it as a promise ring but a bit strange.

The main issue for me is that I am an only child. When I think about leaving my ageing parents to go it alone, I find that hard. He has a brother who lives near his parents.

I could do with some advice on how to decide whether it is worthwhile/making a decision about the future.

That's what makes it hard isn't it ?

To be fair I don't think you'd have any obligation to care for his family - plus you mention he has a brother. Between the two of them they should be able to manage.

I like the idea of Copenhagen because you get to live in a capital city while feeling like you live in a small town. Easy to access most places with public transport. Easy to bike to places. Great social benefits. I'd live there if I could ! This probably colours my view.

You're still young, which is why I feel like an obvious solution is to give it a shot. Maybe you'll love it, maybe you won't, but at least you won't wonder what if !

You are not young. Things become much more serious when we are in our 30s. Those that are saying just go with it are not really considering just how hard it is to make another strange country home - for life.

It might be different if you didn’t have a family that you are very close to, long standing friends, a career. A life and a community you adore. But you do. They are priceless and invaluable things in life. Irreplaceable in Denmark or anywhere else.

Its important to look at all
sides and Denmark has plenty of disadvantages too. I actually think Scotland is a warmer, kinder place to raise children myself and having children is a major challenge for any mother for the first few years, you would have to overcome many more challenges in a different country. A country is much more than lots of cheap childcare and cycling. These things are available anywhere. The Scottish humour, culture and the extensive education opportunities are not so easy to replace! Nor are your roots and sense of belonging.

You have to really love a country, its people, its culture, to speak the language fluently, to have a clear career path, to be able to fit in long term. Simply thinking it’s okay is not enough, given how much you will sacrifice.

I have been there, and found the adjustment very hard once in a serious relationship. The novelty wears off quickly, and I did one the language and I had built a life there with many friends and connections. In the end there were too many differences, and I needed security not romance. I wanted familiarity and comfort when I was pregnant not adventure and the unknown. I wanted to feel ‘at home’ and not homesick and wishing things could be different.

So I ended my relationship. it was hard but for the best.
I met the most wonderful man soon afterwards, and didn’t need to compromise on anything that was important to me. For me, it was the best thing I ever did. Painful as it was ar the time.

Whatever you do - don’t expect people to be willing or able to constantly fly out to see you, it tails off quickly.

Secondly, don’t underestimate how exhausting it is to fly regularly with babies and children. You may not have the strength for it, or the funds. Travelling away from home is reallyhard work with pre school dc. It becomes harder still to convince older children.

If you decide to go, go with your eyes wide open. You may never come back. Or be able to.

You don’t actually sound like you particularly want to do this, and you would only be doing it for him. Which are the wrong reasons to emigrate to another country in my view.

@Laststraw25 thank you for this thoughtful post. It resonates with me strongly.

I don’t want to go anywhere right now - I don’t have enough information yet. Let’s not forget just two weeks ago he said he was ready to live here long term.

The thing is he says he is happier with me
than anyone else he has ever been with. Isn’t it short sighted of him to infer that the relationship will be over unless I agree to go to Denmark?

He has a very good career here and he has picked up that Scottish humour after 7 years. He says ‘aye!’ and speaks Scots in his Danish accent. He has become part of my family. I admit to feeling some anger to thinking I’d met someone who would be with me here but is now clearly saying he won’t.

If I did leave I still think I might not meet someone I love this much. No matter what anyone says I think it’s a real risk, and one I’d have to live with if I said no, and break up.

I’d be clear right now your life is in Scotland. If you are to get married and have children it would be here in Scotland. But you are open to discussing a move to Denmark in the future but it’s not a guarantee. Then it’s up to him to decide if he wants to stay with you or move on.

It sounds like there are two issues here.

The first one being that he seems to have rowed back from his original position of staying in Scotland. Are you saying it feels like he will only remain in the relationship if you move to Denmark? So a dealbreaker for him in many ways. Whilst it is welcome that he is sharing his reservations about staying honestly now with you, I don’t blame you for feeling angry. This changes everything. You might start to feel backed into a corner and forced into a decision to leave even though deep down you don’t want to.

Secondly, your choice to stay with him sounds rooted in insecurity. This might be your only chance position. Although I can understand there are no guarantees you will meet a wonderful Scottish msn, your chances are even less likely whilst you remain in a relationship that doesn’t have longevity. .

Are his parents or family putting pressure on him I wonder? Sensing he is very settled and in love away from home. Just a thought.

Can a compromise be reached? Your every day lives are in Scotland, and you have a small place in Denmark you spend all holidays, long weekends and summers there? Effectively experiencing both lives.

Moving to Ireland is the worst of all worlds perhaps, as neither of you will be at home. I feel like this o is being floated to avoid the deeper issues.

@autisticbookworm and @Laststraw25 I think you are right - I don’t feel I want to or am willing to leave Scotland in the next few years.

He floated Ireland and yes probably as a neutral location to avoid the other issues.

I am certain that if I had said today I will never move to Denmark or consider it this would have ended the relationship:

@Laststraw25 what you are suggesting is what he himself suggested originally - living here but spending summers in Denmark.

Now the sudden flip. Maybe it is down to his parents, not sure.

I think he is not thinking straight. He started an amazing job last year that he could have for life, yet he’d possibly squander this is to go ‘home’. He even admits he sees Scotland as a home too.

I can completely understand why someone who had options would prefer not to remain in the UK as it is now. Parents aside it’s not an awesome place politically and socially and it’s not set to improve any time soon. And I moved from the UK, married, had kids, divorced and remarried somewhere away from the UK but in Europe. My kids have had a quality of life & education that wouldn’t have been possible in the UK for me to give them. But having kids abroad with someone of a different nationality meant I couldn’t have moved back to the UK even if I had wanted to.

It would have ended the relationship if you had told him how you really felt?

Gosh op that is not ideal. Whatever is driving his change of heart is powerful enough to end your relationship then you really don’t have even the basic security of knowing the relationship will last do you?

It would be a precarious and risky situation for you hoping things will work out there, rather than feeling completely loved and safe wherever you both live in the world. What if he gets wobbly in Denmark where would that leave you? Particularly if you have had dc.

For those of us that come from loving families, in warm communities with a good quality of life spent outdoors and in nature, it’s hard to recognise the picture sometimes painted of the U.K. which feels rooted in strange stereotypes.

It’s largely irrelevant whether another county might be ‘better’ or not, it’s not a car you are buying here.

This is your life, your roots, your home, your family and you sound very very happy with your life as it is - as anyone would be in your position. It sounds like you have an incredible life where you are - that works very well for you and is very fulfilling, it is so much to give up to start again in a country that feels just okay, when you don’t really want to.

You will only be leaving to save your relationship essentially…

Op, he wouldn’t do this move for you if your positions were reversed . If he won’t stay for you when he speaks the language, gets on really well with your family, has a great career and isn’t going to be the one to be pregnant and give birth, look after a baby, with all the additional need for your support network that comes with that, then he certainly wouldn’t move to Denmark where he has none of that if you were the danish one saying i want to move. It’s worth realising that when you evaluate the relationship.

I agree with the post above. You will be the one that carries the risk as it is, being the one that is pregnant, vulnerable and very reliant for a while at least, caring for a newborn and all that entails. Even if everything goes perfectly with the pregnancy, delivery and there are no disabilities or issues with the baby/babies.

To have to do all of this overseas without your family is a huge ask and unreasonable when you consider he could easily stay given how settled he is. If he loved you deeply why is hr willing to put you through this I wonder?

If you had nothing to lose, then maybe it’s worth a punt but you have so much to lose and maybe signing up for an entire lifetime spent in Denmark and not just a chapter.

Be honest, and see what happens. Your relationship is about to be tested, and you are about to find out just how committed he is to a life with you. Yes it might feel daunting, but far better to know now than be saddled with dc, unable to leave a country you have no connection or real affection for and enduring a life you did not choose potentially indefinitely.

The worst case scenario of leaving and seeing if I can meet someone local instead has crossed my mind. I’d be heartbroken as I love him so much but I need to acknowledge it.

Part of me wonders if he’s calling my bluff. Seeing how much I’ll agree to but if it came down to it would he leave me?

I don’t know. He said he couldn’t see himself staying longer than ten more years. PPs above are right. What sacrifices is he willing to make. So far none.

I also asked if he was certain about moving back to Denmark given how well his career was going and he couldn’t say ‘yes’ affirmatively.

Right now, I think I’d be saying - want to start having children here. In the meantime explore Denmark more. If he can’t agree, I think that would be it.

Concern would be he agrees to have children here but in 2 years says ‘oh actually no’ and my biological clock has just been run down.

Sorry if this was already suggested - I only read the OPs posts. I really recommend this book OP to help you think about a potential move.

I know a couple of families who are half British / half Danish. One does summers in UK and the rest in DK and the other does it the other way round. DK is so near and so accessible. I would really put some effort into getting more experience of the country. It's beautiful with a lovely culture.

Tbh I would also want to get married if I was going to live abroad with him. If he proposed would that make you feel differently?

My inner Mae West partly thinks f*ck this, my life here is good and why should I give it all up for a MAN. I’ve always been independent with my own life and I’m not sure doing that is really who I am.

even if it would give kids ‘a better life’.

Probably not the best way to a good resolution but I can’t help somewhat thinking it!

You are right op. You are carrying double the risk because you are making all of the sacrifices to move to his home country, and you will be the one that is pregnant, and will take the financial and physical hit that comes with it.

If you were 25 this wouldn’t matter so much, but you have a limited window, but still plenty of time to get this right.

A few questions:

Is Denmark a place you would choose independently to live your life if it were not for him? Or have you always seen your home as a place you would have your children?

Is this decision based purely on pleasing him? Be honest about this at least with yourself.

You have travelled extensively too, I have returned having marvelled at some amazing countries truly beautiful countries, realising that home is where the heart is, and the U.K. in general is always underrated by the very people that live here! It’s a British affliction.

But I am still interested in Denmark generally so I will look into it.

I just don’t want to get into a relationship dynamic where I do all the sacrificing to enable his ambitions. I know some people can do this for their partner without issue but I’m not sure. He is telling me he certainly isn’t willing, isn’t he?

As an only child I would really struggle to leave, as much as parents will say they want you to be happy etc. As they age it’s privilege to help them.
My BIL lives in Europe and as much as we try to see them regularly and speak on face time etc it’s just not the same. I know you love him and feel you won’t meet anyone who compares but you might…. yet your parents will always be your parents, you can’t replace to history and relationships you have with your friends.

It appears he is only willing to agree on his own terms. Maybe there is a compromise somewhere he is willing to make? You don’t know until you level with him.

It sounds like you are a person that really knows yourself at a very deep level, with plenty of awareness and you have created a really full life. I am sorry you are having to now make such a difficult decision. Be true you yourself and you won’t go far wrong.

Men are sooooo incredibly good at looking after their own needs and wants.
How long have you know him?
You say he's great , but it doesn't sound it from here. He's done some rhinking, alone. He's given you a ring ro pull you in. And he's saying, out of nowhere, he wants you to move somewhere you don't speak the language and have children somewhere that you don't love, don't call home and couldn't leave if the relationship ended. Fccc that.
I feel angry on your behalf. He seems to know what the situation is by making this request to have kids in Denmark. He isn't as lovely as you think. He is not thinking of you at all.

@Stanwyck I had exactly the same dilemma and I chose to move. But I already spoke the language pretty well (and am now completely bilingual), had visited lots of times, knew a lot of people there, and had a good job offer.

For what it's worth I have no regrets about choosing to have my children here, and with a bit of effort on both sides we manage to see my family a lot.

I don't feel my long term friendships have really suffered, even though it's harder to see each other face to face. We talk every day on WhatsApp, and now we have children I don't think we would be going for dinner after work that regularly even if we were all in London.

But I am working on the assumption that I will stay here permanently, or at least until my children are grown up, whether my marriage lasts or not.

Do you speak any Danish at all? Have you met and spent time with his family and friends, male and female, who are going to be a big part of his life again. You are going to feel isolated listening to them chatter in Danish unless you speak it or learn it ASAP.

Do you like the same hobbies, like sailing? How does he like to spend his time in Denmark?

Your kids would be brought up as Danish. Danish schools. Danish homework. Danish doctors.

All the above for him, where you are. He has already told you he is going home, with or without you.
You sound to me that you don't want to. For very good reasons, probably the same as his!

But we can't see into the future. Do both of you feel you'll never meet and love anyone else?

He is telling you clearly what he wants and intends to do. Really listen to that, otherwise I think you are opening yourself up to heartache.

There are a lot of men in the UK and quite a few of them are in Scotland!

And I am ‘Meh’ about the ring, sorry. Anyone can go to a jeweller. A proposal would have been more significant.

There are millions of men and you only have one family. You can fall in love again and you're young enough to find someone else to have children with. I wouldn't uproot my whole life for the sake of a man if it meant that my relationships with my family would suffer.

He seems quite selfish to be honest. He's not listening to you about how you'd feel about having a baby in his country.

I don't see this relationship lasting long term. He doesn't appear to want to compromise so you're going to be the one making all the changes.

It doesn’t matter where they’re born, if they ordinarily reside in another country, you won’t be able to bring them back without his consent.