Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

Move them all out and get some peace back in your life.
He sounds like the very lazy parent wanting to appear cool to his kids by letting them have free rein. All you end up with is obnoxious kids because they’ve had a shit role model as a dad.

I don't think that he was a great dad putting his children first. He just can't be bothered either with his kids or the OP. Just make sure he and his offspring don't come back.

It's his parenting that's the problem. It seems as if he is happy to let them behave like animals and do what they want. He should be talking to them, engaging with them, taking them to places and bringing them up to follow rules, not be rude etc. Especially since they are not with him all the time.

What is the point of having them over if all they do is talk to their mates on fortnite?

And worse he doesn't seem to have any regard for your feelings either. If he shows such little respect for you, they are just going to follow suit.

I would have a big problem with this.

Hobosexuals.

Blah blah blah. Her literally moved into her house without agreeing or discussing with her and brought his kids. He is a cocklodger and user and his kids and ill mannered.

Let’s see how long his parents put up with his rude children. He is a Disney dad who thinks he has to please and pander to his kids to make up for his risked marriage and for fear of losing access but unfortunately he is doing a disservice to his kids.

Am I being unreasonable?

HELL NO!

Seriously, you will be better off without this man in your life.

Obviously he loves his kids, and his kids will and should come before you. But if he allows and enables them to disrespect your house then he’s a shit parent and shit person.

I would be absolutely mortified if my kids acted like this in someone else’s home, let alone my own home. It’s disgusting behaviour.

I agree: he’s in the right to prioritise being in a relationship that is going to work with the reality of his children.

They don’t sound the easiest children but they will be boundary pushing in the circumstances and your mum is right: children aren’t always easy and all parents make a lot of adjustments and accommodations, and it does sound a bit like you just don’t really want them round.

Just be pleased he’s given you an out because I don’t think this sounded like the relationship for you, or you for them. Taking on someone else’s children takes a lot of patience and a real desire to want to make it work, which I just don’t think is there. You’ll all be miserable if you hang on.

Of course she doesnt want them around They wipe snot on the sofa and one deliberately scratched her glasses with a hair grip. What IS the matter with some of you parents FFS

Well that’s what I said isn’t it: it sounds like she doesn’t want them around? It does.

Well as a non parent she doesnt get the extra benefits that come with kids Why should she get all the shit bits.

on the bus last week which stops directly opposite the school where two selfish parents and their offspring nearly knocked me flying because they couldnt wait five fucking seconds for me to get off the bus when i was sat nearer the front before rushing from the back with their equally rude kids and scooters, treading over bags that i had in my hand they were in such a rush

Would you?

He is NOT putting his children first, he can't even be bothered to discipline them. Let him and the brats stay out of your life, and please don't be so desperate for a man that you let this bunch of horrors back into your home.

... and to add to the other good advice from PP re cameras and locks, also check your computer and phone for any trackers or programs you didn't install, make sure you have good anti-virus protection, look at all the apps and programs on your devices whether you want them or installed them or whether there is something fishy.
Not sure how to find hidden trackers, maybe others have advice on that.

Make sure you have all your bank cards and personal papers (ID, work certificates etc) and that they are in the place you put them in. Check all your accounts (amazon or whatyouhave) and possibly change the passwords. Maybe not only he could have done something but at least the older kid could have, too.

I've not read all of the thread but all of your responses and I think it's good that the break now happened; that was not at all typical teenage behaviour, you had teens set on revenge in your place, and he didn't parent them properly, thus not respecting your peace and belongings.
They were treating you like the enemy; maybe they did have problems with their father's relationship and wanted to avenge their mother, but their father should have protected you from that, because while it may be understandable from the kids' point of view, that doesn't mean they had a right to do this.

The moving in without discussion wasn't good, either. At least now they're gone.

It’s probably for the best the relationship is over.

You’re not cut out to be a step mum.
You’ve been trying to parent them as if they were much younger children.
You need your home to be your sanctuary and not be filled with other people’s children
You value your freedom to do what you want, when you want.

While it ended horribly, that’s how most relationships end. Most don’t really end the amicable way people SAY it ended.

You did nothing wrong, neither did the kids. Their dad was right to say the kids should no longer be at yours and he was right to leave as well as there’s no future to the relationship if the part where it’s you plus him plus his kids just doesn’t work. He’s likely more angry at the situation than you personally. Better to just end it quickly than beat a dead horse,

You are now free, your house is yours and in future I would not date any single dads. You’re just not suited to being a step mum and that is ok. You will find a lovely childless partner ( or partner with adult DC you won’t need to parent who only pop by for a few hours on holidays)

Absolutely not.

And it also takes a very unusual sort of person to want other people’s children around you so much. That wouldn’t be me, which is why I wouldn’t contemplate a relationship with someone who had children. It isn’t all Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and Truly Scrumptious. Children are hard work - even much better behaved ones than these ones sound. It also doesn’t sound like OP is cut out for it, which is why I gave an honest opinion to that effect. I assumed that’s why she posted?

The kids did plenty wrong. I doubt if a teenager damaged your glasses deliberately you would be waxing lyrical that they did nothing wrong

I doubt it's about being a great dad and putting the kids first etc

You hit a nerve becauae what's really happening is down to his parenting, or lack of. His kids are undisciplined and their behaviour goes unchallenged BY HIM.

And he knows that it's his fault, so although it seems on the surface that he's putting his kids first, i think he's putting his ego first.

He's chosen to take offence and so now's playing the martyr.

You’ve been trying to parent them as if they were much younger children

Adding to this.......................and the older one is above the age of criminal responsibility

Never has the saying 'I would rather accommodate my life to your absence than accommodate my life to your disrespect' been more apt

The kids did nothing wrong? They deliberately damaged her glasses; rubbed snot on her furniture?

Really?

Never mind discipline them he's not bothered to provide housing for them. Before OP housed them they were at the grandparents.

Don't allow him back OP, not to "talk things through" (that is blame you) or to collect things. Pack up all his snot covered crap and get your most hard as nails friend to drop it off to his parents house. Do not allow this man to place one toe in your home, change the locks and plug out the cameras, he gets no access in person or remotely.

I voted YABU for the following reasons

1, you've put up with it for a year, many of those behaviours should have been stomped out immediately, disable WiFi connection on PC/consoles...etc

2, they're teenagers in 2025, most of them don't want to go on bike rides, go to cafés or watch movies with their family, they want to game and chat with friends.

3, you say they come to stay at weekends, at that age the weekend is their only time off from school, they should be allowed to relax if they want to and have a bit of free time

Sounds like you're incompatible with a family. Now you have the opportunity to find someone without children

He has set himself as a “guest” in your home by not paying any rent. Good riddance to the freeloader. Now his parents can put up with having their home trashed.
Would love to know story he tells his parents about why he left …

The kids:
It looks like they deliberately do things to hurt you, are the trying to get you out of the family with a Parent Trap trick? Get their dad back 100% or get him back with mum? Are they jealous that your things are nice?

It’s so twisted that they are bold enough to do this. And confident to know that they will not be scolded. They have no respect.

Well, they got what they wanted … and Ex, does he even know what he wants/wanted.

You have done right thing to claim your life back from the ungrateful freeloaders. The children have no respect and it’s sad they are being raised to understand that they can be disrespectful and rude.

Change the locks and put his stuff out for collection, the kids stuff can go right in the trash.
Clean off the snot and sanitize everything.

Some posters have a very low bar for teen behaviour. No wonder schools have a huge issue with behaviour. Also those posters suggesting consoles in the bedrooms, have you seen Adolescence!

OP you deserve so much more respect than this, your ex has done you a favour by moving out. He’s an absolutely rubbish father who cannot parent his children. Onwards and upwards for you and your Dcat x