Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

Do teenagers still say "that's gay" in a derogatory way? I thought the world had moved on. To the point it's making me question if the whole op is even real.

They sounds pretty rude and unlikeable for.people you aren't biologically related to. Maybe not as.unusual as you might imagine, but it sounds like maybe you are.just or compatible.

None of this is normal behaviour. My kids would be mortified to behave like this. The only part that sounds close to normal is getting loud while playing with friends online on headsets BUT my kids would never do that in a communal space where something else is happening. My DC would do that in their own bedroom! And, they stop and be quiet if I need to ask them to.

So you are well rid. Sounds like it would never get better.

I'm late to this OP but well done for not replying to him.

I'm a single mum of two DC (my youngest is 11 too) and I promise you that my kids would have their arses handed to them on a plate if they behaved like that (not just in my home but in anyone else's home). I put my kids first, but I won't tolerate poor behaviour or any disrespect from them (and that includes the poor behaviours on your list). Your XP's kids are poorly behaved and completely lack boundaries. I'm not saying mine are perfect angels all the time (I had to go scorched earth and ground my youngest last month for some poorly judged behaviour!) but I expect them to have good manners and be respectful around the home and towards others.

I hope you and your cat have a lovely peaceful life going forwards. I'm betting your XP will come crawling back but hopefully you'll tell him to sling his hook. Wishing you all the best!

Every breath of this sounds like an absence of fundamental respect, from all of them; I wouldn't be happy about it either.

I get that it's shocking that he left and so quickly but take a deep breath and try to see this as ripping off the proverbial plaster, OP.

maybe he wanted to know if you were out so that he could double back, with or without the goblins, to collect stuff, or whatever, but if he has access to the Ring
he would know if you were out? sever all ties now

I hope you have a blissful nignts sleep on clean sheets, wake refreshed, as after all

”tomorrow is another day”

My boys weren’t like this. It’s not normal. They are rude.

YANBU and whilst teenagers might behave like it they are not being taught to respect others of they get away with it.

Honestly he is not the right person for you. Pls think yourself lucky its happened now. Some women put up with shit like this for donkeys years.

I kniw you will be upset about the relationship breaking down, 3 years is a long time to be with someone and you obvs love him to put up with his kids behaving like that for 12m. He clearly has no respect for you or your home, though so you are better off without him.

Sending you a hug x

@innersilentscreams @blackbird77 is this the thread you mean? I dont know how to link it.
AIBU to not fund ex-partner’s children?
20 replies

3LemonsAndLime · 19/04/2024 10:29

You have had such a lucky escape! Stay strong!
It all sounds awful and is making you miserable.
Don’t let your mum change your mind - she doesn’t have to live with him and his kids … and btw the happiest/most content people I know are single.

Kids that age probably don’t feel that comfortable regularly staying away from their own home and bedrooms. And they do tend to socialise with their friends while gaming. So, I do feel a bit for the kids, especially if he moved in with you when (or just after) he split from their mum.

BUT. It was his responsibility to make sure they behave themselves and respect your home. He shouldn’t be angry with you for being upset when he let them behave disrespectfully. He should feel terrible and take responsibility.

Also, it was his responsibility to set them up with gaming stuff in a seperate room (unless you only have a one bedroom place and the kids sleep in the living room).

It sounds like you feel a lot better getting your place back. So, you’ve done the right thing for you.

The kids behaviour is not normal, its disrespectful - yes his kids will be his priority, but what you are asking him to get them to do is not extreme and he should be telling them so.

You are better off out of it.

So you are the sort of parent who lets kids snot all over your sofa What else are people suposed to think

Do teenagers still say "that's gay" in a derogatory way? I thought the world had moved on. To the point it's making me question if the whole op is even real.

They very much doubt again, as things move in cycles, and being intolerant is now rebellious.

Also trollhunting isn't allowed, just report the post.

It’s awful but yes they do use it as a derogatory term. I’ve had to talk to teachers about how to tackle that in the school where I teach.

I hope you and the cat continue to thrive!
As things have turned out, it won't be your problem, but the irony of his self-image as Superdad is actually going to rebound on him, and his DC, badly. Lax indulgence is one of the more insidious forms of child neglect, because the parent deludes themselves that they are being wonderfully kind.
From the sound of things, they are not being steered towards any sort of self-sufficiency, and they are not having to face up to the consequences of their actions.
What sort of a housemate in a houseshare, or adult partner, does he think they will be?
As an aside, why does your DM think being single is such a grim prospect? I doubt she would feel the same if they came to stay with her....

Yes to this!

Also, make sure he no longer has access to your Life 360.

It's also OPs home and he is allowing his kids to be rude and disrespectful to his partner. They are 11 and 14, not toddlers. He sounds like a crap lazy parent.

I don't think I'll ever return to teaching: I was doing a little bit of supply after retiring.

Many children are absolutely lovely; a tiny minority are similar to those being described the OP. The expression used to excuse everything in my LA is 'trauma response', and sometimes bad behaviour can indeed be down to trauma response; more often, however, I'd say that it's down to bad parenting or to a situation where the mum is trying to parent well but is being undermined by a toxic male.

There are some boys (in particular) who always resent seeing any woman as an authority figure: in my experience, they can be very dangerous. When they don't get their own way, the kind of outrageous behaviour described by the OP ensues, almost as some kind of attempt to mark territory.

100% agree

Teenagers should know how to sit in a cafe. I would be hugely embarrassed if they were throwing things around.

That said, the gaming in the living room seems like it could be solved quite easily by just removing the computer. Why let it get to the point where you are in tears - if they can't respect your boundary, get rid of it!

normal behaviour for kids whose parent can't be arsed to teach them good manners, respect & decent behaviour.

Sounds like you've dodged a bullet.
Maybe literally when they get older & the lack of parental guidance means they get mixed up in gangs.

There is no way such an entitled arsehole will go easily.

His family will be encouraging him, in pure self interest, to resolve this with you so they aren't lumbered with his feral brats.

Keep ignoring him.
Do not allow him back in.
Do not hesitate to contact the police if he is in any way aggressive.

The trash took itself out.
You are better off without him and his kids. Don't be sad. Enjoy your space and not being disrespected any more.

I get he could have supported you and said to his children clean up after eating or there could have been a chat about general respect. Leaving food around and packages is not ok. The "boring/gay" stuff sounds normal as annoying as it is. Again there could have been a discussion around TV and that sometimes youd like to watch things too. If dad allows his children to disrespect like that they will never listen to you and only annoy you more as they know he wont listen. Your relationship doesn't sound very strong with this man , as sad as it is I think you are well rid of the lot of them