Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

The kids did nothing wrong? According to what? Goblin standards? Christ.

No one with any sense of civility is cut out for that lot.

Jesus, 11 and 14??!! I have several boys (step and bio) around preteen and early teen age and none of them would dream of being so rude, selfish and homophobic. They have their moments and one is autistic and struggles with social cues sometimes, but they don’t behave like overgrown toddlers. If they don’t want to watch a film or go for a walk with us, they say no thanks pleasantly and do something else. If they want to chat to their mates on fortnite, they go to another room. If they want a snack, they use a plate and clean up after themselves. Just basic respect and politeness.

The ways these kids are behaving is not remotely normal or acceptable and both their father and your mum are doing them a massive disservice by making excuses for them.

I wish parents would raise their expectations of teenager’s behaviour. I’m far from advocating authoritarian parenting, but expecting and accepting feral rudeness and antisocial behaviour is massively letting children down. Teenagers are supposed to push back on rules and have strong emotions - it’s healthy - but they should still behave like decent human beings, and it’s an insult to them to expect anything less.

Read only the first page. There is no excuse for the poor parenting on the part of DP. It's YOUR home, and you deserve respect. However, if you can't be more assertive about the behaviour of ill-mannered little brats, - and the silent weeping for an hour, obviously hoping DP will come in and ask what's wrong is pretty wet, TBH - then evidently, the relationship is never going to work. They are testing you, hoping that you will show some backbone. Thank your lucky stars you are not wasting any more time.

I am a bit concerned about the camera/360. Can he see when you leave the house? Can you delete that app or disable it or whatever it is called.
I can imagine he will try to move back in by stealth. Just being there when you get home and he will generously give you a 2nd chance.

I bet my comfy sofa on a few things
1, his parents will be urging him to make it up with you, they don't want him or his kids there.
2, he will suggest a 'fresh start' or 'putting it all behind you' and he's 'had a word with the boys'
3, he will be telling people you ended the relationship because 'the boys dropped a crisp bag on the floor'

Fingers crossed he leaves you alone @innersilentscreams block him so he can't try to weasel his way back in.
What is that saying I've read on mn?

'Nothing as loving as a man who needs a home'

Or something very much like that.
Are you dropping his stuff off or will you message him to collect it? Sorry I seemed to have missed if you have already mentioned.

“I also am shocked that he has walked out on a rent free (I own outright) home and added change and chaos to the kids' lives, just to prove some kind of point.”

It’s because he knows you’re right, and knows he is being a shitty parent and partner. He clearly cannot handle being called out on it, so has gone on the defensive.
Sounds like he has the communication skills of a toddler - I wonder why his relationship with the boys’ mum ended, OP? 🤔
As for his parents - they probably put you in the role of ‘daughter in law’ to suit their narrative - they were probably grateful that you were getting their son of their house!

Just continue to see him and don't live together if you like. As a teenager I wouldn't really be interested in developing any relationship with my Dad's new girlfriend. You don't really have to see them if you live separately. Sounds like that would suit them also.

The previous post would have to be some of the worst advice I have read on here. Firstly, he has zero respect for the OP - who has provided a home and haven at great cost to herself. Secondly, he won’t be interested in seeing OP because she is no longer his landlady/nanny with a fanny/housemaid. Thirdly, any concept if connection the OP has with this man has been desiccated by the realizations above.

Meanwhile, I certainly hope some sleep helps you feel better @innersilentscreams. This guy is clearly expecting you to fold and he will wander his entitled arse straight back into your home. I think you should remove yourself from 360 and change the access to the videos. Then call a locksmith and do a deep clean, bagging all his crap up and putting it out the front. Send him a message telling him he’s got until bin day to collect it, but you will not be held responsible should people or foxes help themselves in the meantime.

You will be again, innersilent. You've done the right thing, well done!

Throw this fish back into the sea. Let them go.

He sounds like a beyond useless father and a pathetic partner. You are well rid of the whole lot of them. Please don't take him back regardless of what he might say to try and persuade/guilt trip you. If neither the mother or father will act in the best interests of their own kids (which includes expectations of decent behaviour and discipline) then there is nothing you can do to fix it. You were collateral damage for all this time. Time to recover and enjoy the peace.

You might be upset today but in a months time, you’ll be over the moon that such a piece of shit and his mini me’s are no longer in your life. Ignore your mum. I bet you relying on her for advice have contributed to you making bad decisions previously.

Your partner is a bad lazy parent . You have every right to be at ease in your own home . I bet he struggles when he’s on his own with them and no-one to share the load with or clean up after them

You've definitely done the right thing, but he's definitely going to try and worm his way back in by keeping the lines of communication open with that text. He'll be hoping you apologise, but when he realises you're quite rightly not going to, he'll make half hearted false promises. Stand strong. Keep your peace. I think I would figure out how to stop him having access to your security cameras and 360. I don't like the idea of him knowing your comings and goings.

I hope you're enjoying your peace.

Op teenagers are selfish and do all the crap you mentioned in your original post and we as parents try to make them into better teens than that, we don’t do the ah they’re not,’ or ‘boys will be boys’ thing your dp has been doing. We apologise for them being little’beeps’ to the person affected and try to get them to not do it again. They’re young and they’ve had big changes in their life but my god! Him talking to you like that even if he had just lost it for that while- I mean it’s no way to live! It’s good you don’t have kids together, Id say you’ll have a much calmer life now and hopefully at some stage he’ll see this as a problem and cop on x Also your mum needs to stop!!!

@innersilentscreams I was a stepmother for a while and although mine squabbled loads, they would never have been this way with my home or me! Also as other posters have said, be careful that it's your house. I'm the same, and you really need to be careful of people taking advantage.

I think be glad he's gone and given you a way out. Imagine if you were stuck like this for years. You may meet another parent but I can assure you, they really aren't all like this. Hopefully if you do, they parent a lot better.

Are they SEN? That doesn’t sound like normal behaviour for an 11 and 14 year old.

He's taken himself off so my advice would be, be thankful for unexpected mercies and change the locks. Really the situation could not have been resolved with any less trouble to you.

That's 'normal' behaviour for kids who are allowed to get away with it and haven't been taught to show respect for others. They are bound to be difficult adjusting to you, but if their dad doesn't show respect for you by allowing them to be so rude, they'll just carry on. I couldn't put up with it.

Letting kids be rude and disrespectful isn't putting them first. It's bad parenting.

If he comes back, you say you were right the other day (he’ll think oh good I’m back in once she apologises enough) - they are children. This is all on you as an adult and a parent who is completely failing these children
and I’m not going to suffer through your parenting fails anymore. Letting your children destroy my things add be endlessly rude is terrible parenting, and that’s on you. It’s not my problem anymore. For their sake I hope you learn to be a good dad.

Op some of the behaviour is normal what's not OK is your partners lack of interest in putting boundaries in place and why are they allowed to ignore you. it's a good thing when dads take responsibility for seeing their kids if they have a new partner but based on your post you asked for normal things that I too as a mum would expect from my own kids. I wouldn't go hard on them about the eating and mess but ignoring you and shouting that's gay is not on. Dad needs to put boundaries in place regardless to you, if their own mother was there would they act like this? Would she laugh and say well done kids? Unlikely!!!

They all sound vile

you’re well rid

That was totally disrespectful of all of them, don’t worry about them. Move on with your life and enjoy the peace and quiet.

I think this is a silly post. "Kids coming first" and "kids always being allowed to do what they want" are not the same thing. They're actually mutually condradictory. So your opening sentence is a nonsense.