Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

I wouldn't want feral kids in my house as well.

Glad you stood your ground and are feeling a little better. Their behaviour sounds awful! Some of it sounds vaguely normal ie the talking loudly over headsets is the most annoying thing we have to deal with here. However we have a 2 strikes and you’re out rule, so if I have to go up and tell them to stop being noisy because their little brother goes to bed at 7 and they continue then I switch off the internet…. There is no way I would sit there and let that racket continue, it’s annoying and they’re my own kids let alone putting up with it from others!
Wiping snot and food over your furniture is gross, even my 5 year old knows to get a tissue or ask for a wet wipe, not talking to you is just downright rude.
It’s a shame he is pandering to them because they will grow up to be hideous when just putting boundaries in place would turn things around.
Enjoy your peaceful sanctuary and be very glad that you didn’t waste any more time on him.

Exactly! NO man is worth putting up with shitty kids for.

Good riddance to all of them. Exactly as they have proved to you, if they walk out you would never see them again. I can never understand taking on someone else’s children and all the crap they come with when they can up and leave without a thanks for all the sacrifices you make. Good riddance!

Totally agree! I’m impressed OP spoke up for herself and let that weak willed man go. Maybe he will consider his and his children’s behaviour and agree to respect OPs boundaries and things might work out. Stand firm OP

You are better off without any of them. Cheeky fuckers.

Ooh would love to read this thread!

Definitely change the wifi password asap, the cameras will be running on that and that's how he'll be able to see you've taken the spare key and why he's text you to test the waters! Good luck.

Its very bratty behaviour and the kind of thing most parents will experience from time to time. However having said that it's not acceptable and a decent parent deals with it. Different households tolerate different standards of behaviour but I like you, would be very upset if the room which the adults relax in was trashed and overtaken like this and I would swiftly put a stop to it. Its your house and you have every right to object
If you tolerate this now, and your partner does not support you then you will be putting up with it for a long time. You have set your boundaries enforce them and don't give in to your partners blackmail, because that is what it is.

Grey rock the Fucker

OP, my youngest is 17 and both my DSs are gamers - but there is no way I would tolerate behaviour like you’re describing. That is the behaviour of badly behaved children, not well brought up children. And that’s before we get to the deliberate damage of your property.

This prat and his badly behaved DC need to be gone from your life. Perhaps when his parents complain about them the penny might drop - or perhaps not.

He can't be bothered to, or is afraid to parent/discipline them.

All he needs to do is enforce the rules of the household and let them know when is their gaming time and when it's someone else's turn to use the lounge..or family time together. Not eating in the lounge basic rule he should be able to enforce. If he's not managing this, then it would only go downhill from here anyway.

Sorry OP

Is it this one, by any chance?

I just scrolled through the stepparents' section and found this about 6 pages in (has 1000 comments):

www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/5131134-is-this-too-much-too-little-or-a-normal-amount-of-time-to-have-the-kids

I've just read the thread OP.
You've wondering why he's sent the texts. It's to try and reel you back in. You haven't been chasing him, so he's now thinking he might have gone too far. He's trying to remind you what a lovely family life (Ha!!) you stand to lose.
Stick to your guns. He's a lazy dad and a user of a partner.
Enjoy having your home back x

Beware of the guilt tripping that will arrive in your inbox soon.. About his dc having no home...
Not your problem it really isn't..

Stand firm OP - you will be happier on your own. I can't believe your mother would want you to put up with that lot! You deserve better.

Hi @innersilentscreams
He's their dad, if he cannot plan with you how you both handle things and help you set boundaries with them then it's not going to work out with you as a step parent.

Their behavior sounds very like his, spoiled and entitled. That won't end well.

Just to be clear for the well done putting his kids first brigade, he isn't putting them first he is absolving all responsibility and has been allowing two horrible brats to abuse you. He's putting himself first them second and you third.

he's coming over with a big bunch of reduced to clear Mothers' Day flowers

😂😂😂The joke's on him - it won't work! OP is happily enjoying her Apparol Spritz, and her little cat is curled up beside her enjoying the peace.

YANBU I have teens. They exhibit some of those behaviours in our home - so get a bollocking when they do and the behaviour stops, at least for a while. They have never been rude when out, if they do not want to watch what we are watching (there may be a bit of mockery ‘cos we be old, init) they are told to bugger off and play their pcs/consoles.

Food is not allowed in certain areas - this gets ignored but they know to expect a hole being ripped and loss of pocket money/allowance for any damage. They are absolutely not allowed to disrespect me or DH. Or any adult in our home.

The fact that this is YOUR home makes the setting of ground rules totally acceptable. The fact that the DP is not your DH and these are not your kids is irrelevant. Kids are not perfect, but they absolutely should behave or be made to apologise. DP is a CF. I appreciate you are probably feeling heartbroken, but you either try to rebuild a relationship living apart, or you move on.

Absolutely it normal behaviour and I would be disgusted if my kids used gay as an insult the way you describe. You are well rid imo.

Was it this?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5057874-aibu-to-not-fund-ex-partners-children

If it was, she also had a follow-up thread:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5195903-should-i-return-to-relationship-with-ex-dp

That's not the one I was thinking of, but it's interesting how many men move themselves and their children into their new partners houses isn't it...

It’s not this one but the lovely @BarbaricYawp has just linked it. It’s this one! Very similar situation to yours. Partners kids took the piss out of her lots and walked all over her and she even funded them. Eventually broke up with him and asked them to leave her house. It was an AMAZING thread.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5057874-aibu-to-not-fund-ex-partners-children?postsby=3LemonsAndLime

Their behaviour isn’t great. Would expect some of this at their age but does sound too much. They will be testing you and DHs patience to see how far they can go, maybe wanting dad to themselves.
I would try and set the home up differently ..the living room is for watching tv of a choice that everyone (who chooses to watch) likes. Or playing a game together or having a set quiet time for reading etc. Gaming and phone calls should take place elsewhere unless nobody else wants to use the room. Kids who are “bored of a film” (unless they had no say in the selection) should be asked to be quiet or go and something else. If possible each person should have a space that they disappear off to.
DH may be able to ignore or not notice the general background noise, it is much harder if you are used to solitude and order!
They won’t be this age forever, can you find a way to make it work in the meanwhile.
Whatever happens, you and DH need to be on the same team. If you can’t find that place…time to seriously think about moving on.

Yes this is the one! Thank you so much!