Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

100% this. He's going to act like nothing has happened and try to weasel his way back in. In his mind then him and his children have not really done nothing wrong. I wouldn't get involved in a debate, good chance he will alternate between trying to sweet talk you and shout / intimidate toy

The children are feral and he sounds quite feral as well. He can cocklodge elsewhere. Good luck to him housing them with their grim habits

Ignore your mum. She's one of those people who clearly thing we have to all be in a relationship, whatever the cost 🙄

This is not the right relationship for you.
your partner has huge problems with taking responsibility and understanding boundaries. His kids are the same, probably because they learned it from him.
any indication there may be undiagnosed ADHD. I only say this because my husbands family are just like this (his parents are as unreasonable as your step kids 🤯)

I only don’t know how you put up with so much for so long!

How are you and your cat doing now?

No matter how bad things are the heart always hurts a little when you separate with someone, but you know from past experiences that this passes given a bit of time.

House solid in your thoughts are you to not letting him back in?

There's no need to swear off men completely, there are some decent ones out there. It's just bloody hard to find them!!

I agree that it doesn't sound like he realises it's actually over and thinks you're going to take him back and grovel to him to come back. He's not right is he??

Considering how inconsiderate and uncaring they were when you're close, relative died, it seems like the Apple didn't fall far from the tree. I would look at it like his parents him and the kids all deserve each other and you deserve the peace, cleanliness and happiness with you and your cat in your home !!

If his parents don't want them living there, he's going to have to start Adulting, maybe when it's his money providing the roof over their heads and furniture for them to ruin he might start parenting as well, but frankly that's all his problem now.

@innersilentscreams

To update the poster who asked whether he had reached out. He text me asking if I had managed to get outside and enjoy the weather, and let me know the result of one of his kids' sporting events (I have no idea why).

Ah yes. The ubiquitous text that both 'tests the waters' to see if you're still angry and also says "I forgive you. Let's pretend this never happened" at the same time.

If you're tempted to reply, don't.

I wouldn't reply to his message about the weather and sporting achievements. It's over. Start as you mean to go on.

Yes, I was going to say this. Or say that as you have broken up, you’ll bag up his stuff and have it delivered to his parents’ on {date}.

I expect that his parents were horrified when he turned up and said that there was no way they can house him and his children. So he’s pretending it didn’t happen.

I wouldn't let him back in the house. He needs to sort his relationship with his children out before he can have a relationship with anyone else.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

He has done the only right thing, putting DC ahead of you, hard as that is for you.
I disagree, I'm not suggesting that the dh should put his kids before the OP but he needs to discipline them. By that I mean help teach them respect, make sure everyone has some chores and respect their home that they follow house rules.
What Op is asking for is normal behaviour.
Not all step kids and/ or teenagers behave like this by any means

The DH should have his wife's back as well as the children's. It's not an impossible position, all he has to do is act like a parent.

I have kids this age and I wouldn’t accept any of these behaviours. Some people seem to think it’s normal - it’s not with children who have been brought up to have manners and be considerate of others! He is not parenting them, and that is your problem. He sounds awful and you’re so much better off without him.

Oh your DP is going to miss you and the home you've given them.. He's a prize dickhead.

Now after the upset - you get out there and dance with glee that you've got rid of this disrepectful taker.

Take care.

We're doing good- cat is curled up next to me and I am enjoying an Apperol Spritz :)

I'm feeling sad, angry,elated, relieved and numb all at the same time. But I know a good night's sleep will help. I know it's going to hurt, but that this is necessary. I know now that I have my freedom back, and that I don't have to have my weekends dictated by anyone else. I can start planning trips I want to go on, friends ot visit etc. All things I have put on the backburner.

I don't think he's realised just how badly a line was crossed last night. Me being honest and upset, and needing to tell him how I felt, just to have it turned back on me, I just can't believe it, but then again I know his kids are his kids- he will be defensive. It's funny how quickly things can be shattered. I always saw us as lasting the distance, and in most other issues we can reach an agreement. This was different.
The lesson I am being taught is that his kids' behaviour is beyond reproach. We have clearly different perspectives on what is acceptable behaviour in someone else's house.

I'm going to change the wifi password and change the locks.

Really proud of you OP. You have absolutely done the right thing. Never let anyone disrespect you and cross reasonable boundaries with regards to your property or hospitality. A decent father would have been furious that his kids were acting like this and making someone they love unhappy in their own home. He didn’t acknowledge your right to be at peace and enjoy your home, he didn’t care about how you were feeling, he didn’t care that his children couldn’t even meet the minimal standards of basic fucking manners in someone else’s home or being around other people.

Don’t let him back in your life. It will give him vindication that he was right, you were wrong and his children will be more emboldened to be even more disrespectful towards you. A good father doesn’t defend his kids unconditionally if they are acting vile. A good father directs and teaches and guides and corrects and disciplines them.

Stay strong OP. I love reading threads like this about strong women doing the right thing against useless men.

You need to get him off your security cameras. Disconnect them until you figure out how to move them to your own phone.

He send you the 'normal' message about the weather and his kid's sporting event hoping you'd let it (his and his DCs' shitty behaviour) all blow over so he and his brats could continue taking the piss in your home.

Lucky escape OP, they sound like a bunch of pigs (that’s insulting pigs!). I can’t believe how you didn’t call them out on this behaviour months ago!! I’m fuming for you! Disgusting wiping snot on your sofa and scratching your glasses on purpose!!! And your partner saying it’s normal kid behaviour, no it’s not!!!!! OP please please don’t jump into another relationship, i would advise therapy as the men u are choosing are awful and u sound lovely. Please change your locks, get your house to how it was pre step kids and breathe a big sigh of relief

Does wanting his children to be comfortable in their (OP's) home need to include allowing them to use homophobic slurs? Putting children first does not mean raising them to be feral and homophobic.

That's because of how it makes her look. She was probably raised and socialised to believe that having children, see them grow up and get married and do the same is what makes her life worthwhile. She thinks her friends will see her as a failure. It's generational sexism. It's a her problem. She's more concerned with other people opinions than your happiness.

He sounds like a total scumbag, that's only how kids with scumbag parents behave. Pack his stuff up change the locks and dump it outside. Obviously a user. Find a decent guy with or without kids if he is nice, the kids will be nice, baggage isn't always full of shit! It can take some work but my step kids where beautiful children at about the same age.

If he only has them at weekends or eow, he's probably thinking he's got a bit of time to talk you round &until their next visit & his parents will put him up until then.

It's obviously difficult Op when you think that your future is sorted.

But he's shown you how nasty he can be.

No good times are worth that.

This.

Find someone else. He needs to set boundaries and standards and he appears uncapable if doing that.

Enjoy your peace & quiet @innersilentscreams. No one should be driven to crying in their bedroom due to the behaviour of someone else's kids.

Just for practical info -
Rug Doctor do carpet cleaners with hose attachments for upholstery. Not silly money to buy. I know other brands are available but this is the brand I have used most recently.

To paraphrase a song from South Pacific -
Wash that man (and his obnoxious kids) right out of your sofa 😊.

Some of it is normal behaviour, some of it definitely isn’t.

OP there was another similar thread to yours about half a year ago. It had 1000 posts. Woman was in a similar situation to you. Eventually told her partner and kids to leave her house that they stayed in half the time. Children were bad mannered to her, spoilt, took her for granted etc. I think she even paid some of the private school fees for them (I think?). Anyway they came grovelling back and she stood firm.

I cant remember the OPs username or find the thread but perhaps another poster can remember and link it? I think you will find a lot of comfort and strength reading it. The woman was amazing and the comments and support she received were brilliant.

You’ve 100% done the right thing.

There’s a big difference between putting your kids needs first & wanting them to feel comfortable at home, Vs. allowing them to grow up with sh*t manners & no respect . There is nothing for you to be impressed about with this weak Disney dad !