Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

This.

His kids are likely doing on purpose, because they cannot effectively communicate how they feel.

He is doing the best thing he possibly could by ending things and showing them that they come first.

@lickycat
No it's not. It's aberrant and unacceptable.

The kids behaviour is not normal and your partner is both a terrible parent and a terrible partner Good riddance!

This. Every single word of this.

He hasn't ended things though, he's had a strop and then later on sent a breezy text as if nothing had happened!

Your mother is part of why you accepted this situation in the first place.
She is part of your problem.

Like all abusive men who go too far, he is now backtracking.

He will tell you he left so you could calm down.
He didn't mean it.
He will try an guilt you.

Do not get into any discussion.
Its over.

He is an abusive pig and his children are feral brats.

Its over.
Tell your mother to keep her anxiety to herself.
Avoid your mother for a while.

Pack up every bit of his crap and their mess.
Do not allow his tears and begging to get him across your door again.

He thinks its another strop to put manners on you because you are so desperate for a man.

Prove that abusive twat wrong.

You deserve so much better.

I saw a quote a while back from someone that said, “no one falls in love faster than a man that needs somewhere to live!”…this could apply to anyone of course, but men do seem to have a particular penchant for this. I find it interesting that instead of trying to communicate his feelings on the matter he gaslit you in to trying to believe you were the issue 🤔 he was right to put his children first, but he was wrong for making you think their rudeness and disrespect was a reflection on you. It’s a reflection on him as a parent. End of. You’ve done the right thing OP. He doesn’t respect you and couldn’t care less how you feel about your own home being wrecked and your boundaries been torn down. Good riddance! Big hugs 🫂

@AnxiousOCDMum
Nonsense.

He's an entitled leech whose contempt for the OP was sensed and picked up by his thuggish children. The apples didn't fall far from the tree.

Little tip,
Find someone who doesn't have children. Being a stepparent is HARD and there will always be times you won't agree on something regarding the kids and it is so very rare to find someone who wont let their kids get away with murder for either the sake of an easy life or threat of not seeing them if they put their foot down. It's always going to be a risk that someone with kids will act the same way as he has and you don't want to be in the same situation further down the line.

Ironically, he’s completely failed the children. Not just the bloody obvious lack of parenting. But also, them ignoring OP and damaging her things means they are signalling that they don’t like her (obvious) and that they need space with dad without her (less obvious). It’s an unmet need. His hobosexual need to do the minimum to house them means they have been put into space that isn’t theirs. They’re kids so they are blaming OP. But dad isn’t a kid and should see that giving them space with just him, housing them safely, is his job. By all means have a relationship, but forcing your children to share a house with someone they don’t want to is HIS fault. Not theirs.

Hence why I think it’s unfair to call them names. They have been failed. Call him a feral scrote or brat by all means. Not them. They are exhibiting perfectly normal behaviour for unhappy children.

This is absolutely NOT normal behaviour. It’s only normal if you allow it to be normal.

Kids should come first but actually parenting them will give them a better start in life. Teaching them respect of other people and their property is far better than leaving a 3y relationship just because you can’t be arsed to parent your kids and teach them to be decent human beings.

Honestly you’re better off without him and his spoilt entitled kids. Find a man that will respect you and your house.

I would rather be single than live in what sounds like an American frat house on one of those movies 🤣

I would think of it like this - Mother’s Day has shown them up to be a big waste of space. The fact he’s text you about the weather and the kids sports is unbelievable. I’m guessing it won’t be long until he comes crawling back. Getting bagging up his stuff! Will be soo therapeutic!

Agree with the first part. Disagree with the second.

This situation reminds me of another thread a while ago with an OP in a very similar situation. She owned the house and her income allowed her partner to pay for expensive clubs, treats, etc for his children, who, in return, were then horrible to her.

She ended things and he tried to engineer a meeting with her and his children so they could apologise (and he could try and guilt the OP).

It didn't work thankfully.

Does anyone else remember? It might be helpful for the OP to read.

Good riddance to him & his horrid children.

Just change the Wi-Fi password.

Dont forget to change passwords on any streaming services you pay for also! That man does not get to leech off you any longer.

You are being unreasonable. You do not need a handhold. You need a glass of the best champagne you can afford in that hand to celebrate the occasion. Your "DP" and what you called "stepkids" sound like a right nightmare.

@TheWorminLabyrinthHwi is a very bizarre poster, I tend to skip over their posts as its always odd “advice”.

YES! Every word of this.

OP, get your locks changed as a matter of urgency or he will simply let himself in.
Disconnect the cameras or cover them up or he will see when the house is empty.

Take Monday off work, if you can, to secure your home. Call locksmiths this evening. Some are available 24 hours a day.

Good call above about changing streaming passwords!

My mum passed away whilst trying to get me attached to her very lovely consultant at the hospital. When I pointed out he was clearly gay she said…
Is he really? I must have a word with him about that!
I had been anxious for so many years about being single or attached because she was.
Please don’t take that anxiety on. It’s your life to
enjoy.
(To make you laugh on this wonderful Mother’s Day she told me I couldn’t wear my glasses to her funeral. As they made me squint. And I might meet ‘someone nice’ there! I tried to explain it was indeed her funeral and I already knew everyone who was going! A few years after she died I met my other half. Free of expectations as well. I did love her but blimey it was hard work. 😂)

OP, as per pps I think there is a risk he will act like nothing is happened and try to railroad you into 'business as usual' when he realises that throwing a tantrum has backfired on him.

I agree. I suspect some of OP’s issues with standing up for herself may come from her mother’s behaviour anyway. Be strong OP, you got this!
as a PP said, MN is not often kind to step mums so the majority view here that they were fucking awful means they must have been really fucking awful!

Hope they enjoy couch surfing then.