Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

@innersilentscreams I would disconnect all the cameras and change the wifi password and get your own cameras on. he is trying to worm his way back in already. bag his clothes up and put them at the side of the house for him to collect¬

Didn't take him long to test the waters did it? How tediously predictable.

And he can pay for the damage. At least OP got to know what they were like before it was too late!

Disconnect the cameras.
Take a hammer to them and then bin them all.

He will use them to spy on you otherwise.

If you need an electrician to help with the disconnection, put duct tape over them until you can get someone in to do the job.

Op, please disconnect or cover up the bloody cameras because he definitely will be using them to spy on you. Personally I would be smashing them with a hammer asbpp suggested.
And get the locks changed ASAP.

It's YOUR house, him and his kids can fuck off.

He's pretending that none of this has happened and he is trying to worm his way back in. What a weasel he is.

Ignore and block him.

YANBU- their behaviour sounds appalling quite frankly!
Clearly, their dad does not see the need to parent them and teach basic manners and respect.

My son is 11 (Y6) and I would be mortified if he behaved like that, whether that be in our home or someone else's. There would be serious consequences if he did!

I think you are best separating.

1. Disconnect the cameras
2. Change the locks
3. Pack his and his kids' stuff up
4. Send him a link to this thread (maybe don't do this one!)

Yep, he's pretending nothing happened, so he can walk back in and continue taking the piss out of you.

He is a total pig with no respect whatsoever, and he is raising total pigs with no respect whatsoever.

Do not let him back in. I imagine when he realises you consider him dumped, relationship over and done, he will pitch some sort of a fit and hurl abuse at you.

Please prepare for this and ensure you're safe and have some sort of support - it may well be pretty explosive!

OP I'm sorry in all this that your mum is not more supportive. Don't let her get to you, and all the best for the future.

I would never tolerate being disrespected in my own home by ANYONE, adult or child of my own, let alone children who aren’t even mine. The first sign of shitty behaviour would have them out, until I’ve received an apology. And if my partner had a problem with that, he would be out too.

OP, trust me, the breakup is the best thing that could’ve happened to you.

Don’t feel bad. They’re not your responsibility and you have precisely zero duty to ‘rescue’ them. Any of them.

Don’t allow him to wheedle his way back in, which he will. You’ll get a charm offensive before he gets angry.

Well done OP, for standing up to this nasty man, for not letting him gaslight you any more, and for recognising the truth about your 'relationship'.

Please don't waver, don't reply to any messages and, for now at least, don't tell your Mum anything else.

Sort out the ring doorbell (I also like the suggestion of smashing it), pack his things and start your new, happy, cleaner, quieter, single life!

I love @mathanxiety ’s suggestion about the steam clean.

Sadly I agree that it is best not to involve your mum at present.

He never asked to move in or his children from the start - there was a lot of worming and assuming. There was a lack of respect.

Parents like to use the excuse that all teenagers behave like this but actually they don’t. Most of them are pretty nice. He is just being a crap parent with very low expectations.

OP, be sure to include the litter - it’s their responsibility to recycle/dispose of it.

Yes, steam cleaning and moving the 2nd TV from the living rooms are definitely on the to do list!

though when I was single before meeting this one, I was the happiest I'd ever been

Good for you.

Not sure I'd be trusting your mum to help with anything tbh.

When I left my first long-term partner, my mother told me that I hoped I realised that my life was now over.

In fact, my life had just begun. I later met and married my DH, and we have a DS.

Your mother sounds likes she’s from the generation that think a man, any man, is better than no man. Don’t let her come; she’ll just let your ex back inside.

Sod that for a lark. Sounds like you have 3 step children to look after. I'm sorry you lost the relationship over it. Can you get away somewhere for a break?

Your exDP is a shit parent and partner. His kids are stuck with him, but thankfully you’re not! Kids don’t behave like that unless they’ve not been taught better.

Spend some time looking after yourself and your home again, you deserve to be happy there.

To be fair we can see from MN that every generation has women who think life with any man is better than life with no man.

Whats completely unacceptable is using “gay” as an insult. I honestly haven’t heard teenagers (I work with them) use that term in well over a decade because they tend to know better than adults that it’s offensive.

I wouldn’t accept language like that in my house. Everything else is sort of normal teenage behaviour. Not to say you shouldn’t tackle it, but eating everywhere, leaving their mess all over the house, talking loudly on fortnite and saying everything you want to do is boring is pretty standard.

Why devastated?? You just got rid of two rude entitled little scrotes AND a poor excuse for a partner and a father in one fell swoop, this calls for celebrations surely!
Enjoy your new life and raise your bar.
Seriously you deserve so much better and i wish you the best xx