Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

@innersilentscreams there’s no danger your Mum will let him in while you’re out if you leave her there to meet him is there?

I had a thought, bit petty but since he got the cameras and has access, you could stand in front of them with a big ‘I’ve changed the locks. Your stuff’s outside to be collected’ sign 😳

Some of the moaning probably normal but the things like no food in living room and disrespecting that is your partner putting in a lack of boundaries with the kids. If you’re crying in your room you may be happier without this stress x

Your best off out of it...your step kids sound like they are deliberately being absolute shits towards you. My 2 stepsons caused me endless aggro so I know what a horrible feeling it is, especially when your partner doesn't have your back. You don't deserve to feel this way

Hi OP, as a PHD in Male Bullshit I regret to inform you that he doesn’t intend to move out and doesn’t think you’ve actually split up.

To him, he’s flounced like he did on your birthday (always special occasions to ruin. Always) and give it a few hours or even a day or two and he’ll be back with the friendly text messages, like nothing ever happened.

And it would be SO EASY for you to just let him in. So easy. He might even cry a bit and say how hard it’s been for him. And how he knows things have to change.

THIS IS BECAUSE YOU ARE PROVIDING A FREE HOUSE TO A MAN WHO HAS NOWHERE TO GO AND TWO CHILDREN TO ACCOMMODATE.

Nothing will change. Nothing. No matter how dramatic his tears and promises of change.

You deserve to feel comfortable in your own house and those kids deserve to be parented. Gay as an insult! In 2025! Genuinely aghast they’re getting away with it.

Not your problem any more. Box his stuff up, leave it on the doorstep, DO NOT LET HIM IN. The pleasant texts are just step one into gaslighting you back to normal.

I’d stake every penny I own (not many, two ex-husbands) on it.

I voted YABU.

YABU to be devastated that this waste of space and time and energy has now left.

Good riddance to the lot of them.

Go through the house and find any of their crap they've left behind. Pack it in bin bags. Leave it out where they can pick it up, tell them it's there, and bin it all if they don't collect it by bin day.

Get a professional steam cleaning company in to clean your upholstery and floors.

Well done on seeing the light OP.

Is he aware it's over?

He's shown you what he is really like a year in, believe him and change the locks. He'll come creeping back and you need to keep him gone now. I bet he never paid his adequate share of the bills either?

I couldn't have put it better myself

This. From op's update it's clear he has no intention to break up.

You’re well rid, OP. You’ve saved yourself from a lifetime of misery and being put on. Don’t weaken!

Get a professional steam cleaning company in to clean your upholstery and floors.

God yeah. Had someone to stay who pissed me off so much that after he left, we had a massive cleaning frenzy and then redecorated kitchen, where we'd spent so much time, and put new lino down! 😂It was like purging the house of his presence.

I'm remembering all the times on here that women who have been controlled by men get their homes back and now they're enjoying furnishings that they like.

He has always praised you for being easygoing and going with the flow? It's not a compliment.

Please don't be like this. You can easily skip over into doormat territory.

He really thought he could speak to you how he liked. And that his dcs could behave how they liked because you're so easygoing.

Don't let anyone ever think you're easygoing because many people will see this as an opportunity to ride roughshod over your feelings and preferences because it appears that you won't mind.

Another good point. Why is their cameras that only he has access to?

He is being nicey nicey because he needs access to your home.

Please don't engage with him. Don't answer the phone, don't write back.

His snarling and walking out was a means of putting you in your place so you won't ever complain again.

Get rid. And don't listen to your mother. She's the last person to confide in.

Totally agree.

I would go nuclear- they wouldn’t be coming back because I’d be telling them all to leave. Good riddance to bad rubbish OP.

Unbelievable! Any man who lets their kids trash their partner’s home, and behave abominably, because he wants them to be comfortable, deserves to be kicked out , along with his feral brats!

I think this is sensible - and get the locks changed. Show him what boundaries look like.

If he doesn't come back those kids did you a favour.

In time, when you get over him and get back to enjoying the peace and quiet of your new life, you will come to appreciate this so much. You absolutely deserve all the good things that are now going to come your way. Good luck.

I would be mortified if my DS behaved like this to my exDH partner when visiting them. It's not about putting them first, it's about him being a shit parent. Wiping snot on the furniture, throwing food and shouting "Gay" and he doesn't do a thing about it. Grim.

He sounds like an awful parent, you are best off out of that. I'm sorry though.

He can rent a house and then his children can behave however they like.

I would make it crystal clear it’s over. Message him back saying his stuff will be brought to his mothers, please don’t contact you ever again.

Then block him.

Sounds like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, they raised him.

I hope you didn’t dignify that with a response.

They are rude and disrespectful. I would be giving my kids a massive bollocking for acting like that. However, I have a vested interest in managing their behaviour, ensuring they don't grow up to be dickheads and a personal responsibility to raise my kids.
My kids can do all of those things at times, yes they might leave a bottle in the living room floor or get too loud when gaming, but they get reprimanded striaght away and will have to sort it out, as in pick their crap up immediately or stop shouting. Otherwise I will unplug their playstation, or remove their gadets etc.
It must be really hard if your partner isnt willing to discipline them and won't let you put rules in place.
You can either come together as a family and put some rules in place together, or get out of there and let them wallow in their unruly mess just the three of them.