Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

This is why men with kids are a HARD “no”
for me. Too complicated, much drama, too hard. I know you feel sad but sounds like he would never do anything about their behaviour so you are better off out of it.

His kids sound rude and so does he. I wouldn’t be hanging about here. Bin him off.

He thinks he decided to flounce, therefore is entitled to return at his own leisure when he's ready. Watch out for the return of the slobs.

I’ve read all of your posts. While it sounds like he was a complete dick I’m glad you can see it’s for the best that it’s blown up and he’s gone. Please keep it that way for your future happiness and peace! He didn’t manage to grind you down and you’re stronger than you think. Embrace the calm of knowing they won’t be back!

Can you box his stuff up and arrange to get it picked up so he doesn’t have to come inside again? I’d try and get everything wrapped up asap, locks changed, his and his kids stuff out and then I’d block him.

The righteous superdad high he was enjoying will have burnt out and I bet his parents have given him an earful. Hold firm, this is the best thing for everyone.

Tell him, “No, I haven’t been out. I’ve been packing up your stuff. When will you be collecting it?”

Terrible father, terrible partner. He’s letting his kids be rude, selfish and filthy. Part of parenting is limits and saying no where appropriate. You are well ride. His reaction tells you everything you need to know. Get them out of your house and find someone else.

DO NOT REPLY
You've got rid of 3 ungrateful brats and good fuckin riddance to them.

Nope, not normal behaviour!!

Please believe you have had a very lucky escape and never let any of them back in your house again!!

Change the locks, clean the snot, open the windows and air the place out and then breathe a huge sigh of relief that you will never have to put up with their shit again!!

THIS IS AN ABSOLUTE WIN!! 🥳🎉🥳

The sporting result is to make it look like he had a valid reason for leaving and it wasn't a storming out!

At 11 and 14, they aren't small children and would absolutely understand that throwing things in cafes and wiping snot on soft furnishings isn't the way to behave. As for gaming, that's normal but usually it would be confined to one room. The rudeness and ignoring you in your own home is disrespectful. Eating in the lounge, when being told not too, is again disrespectful. Having your partner living in your home and his children staying, in all honesty was unlikely to work. I assume your partner has his own home, that he's now gone back to? Did you both not ever sit down and discuss boundaries, rules etc for his children? You both have to be on the same page, and equally he should be parenting his children. No way should he have ever tolerated his children being disrespectful towards you (especially in your own home!). I'm guessing he either didn't realise or ignored the behaviour? I understand his children should come before you, but he's responsible for their behaviour and parenting them. It sounds to me as if he wants to be 'Disney Dad', and doesn't want to be 'bad cop' when they're with him. That's not realistic! If he's not willing to parent his children, recognise that their behaviour is poor, then I can't see much of a future for the relationship. Step-parenting is bloody hard, there's little thanks but it can work if the adults work together.

I'm going to bag it all up and ask my Mum (lol- she'll probably tell me I'm in the wrong!) if she can come over as she lives nearest, or maybe a colleague at work. I will decide tomorrow, after enjoying my quiet, peaceful home. It's sad but I can't believe I've been treated this way, for having standards and needs. The shock of his response to me is reminding me why I must stay strong.

If the tables were turned and my partner said he felt disrespected by my hypothetical kids, I would be devastated, and seek to change/fix things. No way would I get nasty and intimate it was them that was the problem.

I'm so easy going, and he has always praised me for being so laidback and go with the flow, so it's not like I'm saying these things to be horrible.

OK, sorry if somebody has said this already but, on the Ring cameras. You’ve got a couple of options. If you follow the steps in this article, it will contact him to transfer ownership of the account, that will be a nice signal to him that you’re serious about this.

If you just want to immediately stop him having access to it, change the Wi-Fi password that they’re connected to, your house Wi-Fi. It will mean that the Ring devices can’t operate on Wi-Fi.

ring.com/support/articles/k8jn9/transfer-device-ownership?srsltid=AfmBOopDwBqS1CqJPQ5n-FxRuNH1AcKUzpwiX8sgJwb71-7SkGWUVgjG

In his head the correct response would have been "Well done to (child). No I couldn't face going out as I haven't slept all night. I really miss you, when are you coming home?"

What a shame (not), that's not worked out for him. Oh dear, how sad, never mind.

ask my Mum (lol- she'll probably tell me I'm in the wrong!) if she can come over as she lives nearest, or maybe a colleague at work.

Don't ask your mum OP. She'll make you doubt yourself and you really shouldn't.

Putting your children first should definitely not mean allowing them to run riot in someone else's home nor be rude disrespectful and vile. My children have never behaved like this at home or away and it's a complete fucking disgrace to read other posters not condemning this shitty behaviour. This is not how children should behave and God help us in the future if we're allowing this sort of entitled behaviour to become the norm.
Honestly OP sorry for your relationship breakdown but you're better off out of it with him and his feral offspring.

@Gelatibon

your kids wipe their snot on your furniture do they? And you see that as normal? Aye, right.

@Commonsense22errrr yes teenagers DO pick up after themselves! If you do it for your teens, more fool you, raising the next gen of lazy shits who will expect women to run after them. Bet any future DIL’s or SIL’s won’t appreciate you letting them get away with not clearing up after themselves!

I'm another saying don't ask your mum to help. She isn't capable of supporting you right now.

He's texting you because he has realised he has nowhere to take his brats in future. He'll want to come back and this is the start of the softening up process.

Volunteering is a good way to meet nicer people. For now enjoy your peaceful home because you are young enough to find someone much better,

No, you're definitely not being unreasonable. Whilst kids will always try to push boundaries, it's up to parents to teach respect. Your partner sounds lazy and passive to allow this feral behaviour continue and even worse, to gaslight you into thinking you're wrong to feel how you do. Sounds like hell and I couldn't put up with living like this. Stand your ground, even if it means the end of your relationship.

@Inmydreams88

does being comfortable mean wiping snot on the furniture in your world?

He's done you a favour, op.
He sounds like a pig.
And your mum seen to think you aren't worth treating with respect.

Yep- my mum has massive anxieties about me being single again, though when I was single before meeting this one, I was the happiest I'd ever been.

Because the vicious little prick has just realised that you own the house and he isn't entitled to a penny of it.

I'd text back 'It's over. Don't contact me ever again' and block him (or at least mute him so you know when he's coming over with a big bunch of reduced to clear Mothers' Day flowers and a proposal and can be 'out' - another reason to bash the fuck out of those shitty surveillance cameras he uses to make sure you aren't doing anything without his permission).

It sounds as though you’ve reached the end of your tether. The time for their father to give consequences when they broke a rule was the first time.

I’d be mortified if my DC had behaved like this in any home, restaurant, school etc. past toddler age. Obviously their father is OK with it. Great - let him live in his own place and clear up after them.