Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

I voted yanbu. Children should be put first of course but by their parents and not by you. You don't have to accept the behaviour or your parners reaction to your being upset. No idea what your mother is on about.

im pretty sure this behaviour would get worse before it gets better -you’d have two unpleasant rude selfish adults in a few years. Get rid of their dad -he can sort it.

He thinks he's in control at the minute. But in a couple of days when he realises that the relationship is actually over he will be back. Stay strong. Pack his stuff.

He is intolerable, absolutely intolerable, OP. Good for you for finding your voice.

I’ve been in your position OP. I’ve had the snarling, everything. It made me so mentally ill I had a breakdown, as I constantly felt like I couldn’t say anything in my own home. You’ve done the right thing, it would never get any better x

Funny how all the things that got damaged whilst they were here were always my things...

That makes sense. They were testing their dad"s partner, and you failed all the tests.

OP you have standards.
Your ex-DP did not.
I think that sets you apart, so let him carry on with his life and children, whilst you regroup and find someone, who has similar standards.

The kids sound awful but at the end of the day that's because they've got parents who clearly aren't parenting them. Calling everything they don't like 'gay' is like some horrible throwback to the 80's when using homophobic slurs was the norm - why on earth is their dad not doing or saying anything?

I'd guess he wants to be their friend or Disney dad rather than properly parenting them - and so you are much better off out of there.

So glad you're out.
I'm so sorry you hd a breakdown, and I hope you have healed and found the inner peace you so deserve 💐

Yep, that feeling of not being able to use your voice is so recognisable to me.

Stuffing my voice down when I see them doing the things I've mentioned here, and for so long, was literally giving me palpitations and made my stomach churn in the moment.
I just felt I couldn't say anything, and now I know deep down why; my gut instinct was that my partner would turn things back on me.

Sending you love xx

@innersilentscreams Oi, I’m a first wife and I agree with you! 😂

But I’m also big on expecting respectful behavior from teenagers.

He calls them his two best mates, so you're not wrong there!

@innersilentscreams i can just imagine what Christmas was like

I used to be married to a twat who periodically stormed out if things weren't going his way - they don't change.

I feel sorry for their teachers. What horrible behaviour.
You've done nothing wrong and you're well rid.
Don't take him back!

To clarify my First Wives Club comment Some of them want the stepmum to put up with anything because if they dont (and stand up for themselves like OP finally has) they know Disney Dad will bring the kids back home from his contact time early and fuck up any child free time or plans the bio mum might have made. Thats what i suspect is behind some of the comments excusing the behaviour of these feral brats and the behaviour of their dad.

When he realises you’re serious he will be begging you to come back, but don’t let him. All 3 have tested you like a doormat and that is not a nice personality trait for them to have.
You’ll be happier without them

Next time have a relationship without living together, you don't have to meet their DC if you don't want to. If a man tried to move in with me without asking I'd have kicked him right out for being a presumptuous bastard. Well done on getting rid and standing your ground.

Explains a lot. He doesn't want to do the hard work of parenting them, he prefers to think he's their pal. But he is letting them down long term doing this. They will have mates, but they only have one dad and they need him to be their dad, love them but also step up, set an example and set boundaries.

I'd still prioritise changing your locks. It's surprisingly straightforward, loads of videos online for every lock imaginable - just search on 'change your lock'.

Thank you, Mumsnet.
You have helped me so much today.
I'm unbelievably grateful💐

I was a crying, shaking mess, and now I am looking forward to a peaceful, calm, clean home, just me and the cat, and a film on later without any distractions, to boot!

Thank you xx

He will be back, 💯 he will be back. First blaming you some more and threatening to make the break up permanent and when that doesn’t work he’ll be back grovelling. His life is about to get a hell of a lot harder as he will soon find out.

Please don’t weaken.

I will definitely do this x

Congratulations on your escape from that horrid situation, OP!
Now, please hone your self-preservation skills. If he were just a little bit cleverer you'd still be stuck with them all. As a PP has said:

You recognize that you’re unable to put up boundaries and that you freeze and just go along with things that don’t really work for you and this is something you need to work on.

What a prick. I can guarantee he'll try to come back and pee his pants when he realises he's burnt his bridges. I'd also be inclined to go round your house and get photos of all the various bits of damage they've done and tell him be owes you for it.

Teenagers are horrible enough when they are your own. Can’t imagine putting up with someone else’s. Maybe accept he isn’t the right guy for you. Find someone without kids.