Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

The disrespect comes from seeing how you allow it from their father.

That is certainly NOT normal behaviour! It is disrespectful, disruptive, rude, inconsiderate and entitled ...... just like your DH and his moronic kids! You're well rid as far as I can see.

You can do this! Definitely change the locks, as pp have said. Give the house a good clean as well, it'll psychologically enable you to feel that you've "cleaned out" their presence.
Nobody should be treated like this. Keep telling yourself that.

Stepparenting is hard but a blended family can only work if the adults involved are a team.

The standards he is setting for his kids are low, and it's impacting on you. The expectations you have are not unreasonable but he is too lazy to parent them properly.

@innersilentscreams YANBU

His children sound like self-entitled spoilt brats, enabled by their parents.

If your DP can't see that teenagers need rules and boundaries, then he is an idiot and not fit to parent. Their behaviour is absolutely NOT normal whatsoever.

Reading your other posts, it doesn't sound like this was the most suitable relationship from the start, and he seems to have taken advantage of your generosity.

It may feel rubbish now, but this sounds like it's for the best.

No doubt he will be sitting there thinking he has stuck up for his children, and what a great dad he is. In reality he is a shit dad, and has taught his children no respect and given them no boundaries. They quite clearly treat him as a joke.

That's a smart move. Have you got a Ring doorbell or other security cams in case he tries breaking in? Is he likely to get angry and / or physical, try to break the door? That snarling he did earlier would worry me as to how he might show his anger.

They sound disgusting and so does their father.
That is NOT how kids are these days. My DS would get a rocket if he behaved like that.
Good riddance to the lot of them in my opinion.

Good on you for finally putting up some boundaries with these boys. You will feel so much better in a few weeks. My dd is so respectful of our home and so are her friends - male and female. I’d be truly embarrassed if I were their mum.

I’m wondering if a certain percentage of those, saying YABU have clicked on it because you’ve put up with this for so long and are bu to have done so. It does happen on threads.

Stand your ground OP. Kids come first yes, but not to the detriment of good behaviour and house rules.Just look at the psychology of the situation you said this:

“A very loving albeit sometimes clingy/needy partner, just always scared of his kids not wanting to see him, thus the above problems happening.”

The deeper problem that is being circumnavigated and avoided is that your partner is very scared of his kids not wanting to see him, which in turn is preventing him from laying out any ground rules and teaching manners as he will associate that with them not wanting to see him. The idiot in him naturally sees it far easier to be aggressive to you and dismissive of your feelings then tackle the real problem; his parenting skills and boundaries and rules with the kids.

I’m not sure if you will get back together, but if you choose to, I would say that you should live separately. Ultimately however, you deserve a loving partner who respects your boundaries and validate your feelings. If they have kids then they need to be better behaved. Think very carefully before you allow freeloaders back into your house.

Good luck OP!

We have security cameras but he has access to them via his phone, I don't (only as I wasn't bothered at the time). I'm not worried about him becoming violent, luckily x

OP, you sound so lovely and reasonable.

However, kindly meant, but you have been targeted and used and abused.

This was a highly abusive relationship where he deliberately targetmovibg into your home.

This is a bad man.

His children are disgusting destructive brats.

I wouldn't tolerate any of what you describe from my children for a minute.
But then my children are not brats, being raised by scum.

His snarling at you was the real him.

Should he come near your home call the police.
Expect him to come crawling back when he realises you are serious.

His own family will not be happy to see his feral children returning.

Please read "women who love too much" norwood
And "Why does he do that?" Lundy

Also invest in www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You deserve so much better that this pig and his feral offspring.

Don't move anyone in again, for the longest time.
Take photos of all the damage.
You never know when they could be useful.

Normal decent children don't go around destroying the property of others.

Yanbu!! It's a good thing the rubbish took itself out; saves you a job!

And don't give in when he messages or phones or rocks up. He'll only be expecting an apology from you...what a knobhead.

Enjoy your film, in silence with your cat! 👌

He stole your house from you by capitalising upon your freeze response.

He never expected that his victim would respond to his rage by saying 'OK, then' instead of of grovelling and sobbing and pleading for his forgiveness.

He's going to be absolutely fucking furious that you forgot your place as his servant.

Keep him gone. Forever.

.

All three of them sound horrible. You’re better off without.

I think you should disable the cameras because it could be a way of him checking on you.
Just don't respond to anything, don't let him in and don't engage.

Yes, I am the collateral damage as he simply cannot hold his kids to account.
He is so scared to 'lose' them. Nail on the head.

He is so lenient and pretends all is fine so that he doesn't upset them.
But in the process, this is damaging them. Kids need to be socialised. I dread to think what they will be like in a few years' time.

And if you aren't going to just rip the things off the wall, put tape over the Ring lenses. You don't want him monitoring you leaving the house.

Exactly this

I would definitely turn all the cameras etc that are attached to his phone off. Just cut their electricity.
You're doing ace!

OP I am so glad to read that. I could sense in your later posts that you were starting to realise just how bad things were. Happy we could help.

Enjoy the peace. And whatever shit he tries to pull to move back in (and he will) the answer is and always will be 'no'. He saw you coming and preyed on it. I wonder if he ever really cared for you or if you were a roof over his head when his parents had had enough.

Has he tried to come back yet? He clearly wanted you to beg him to stay, and was furious when you didn’t. My bet would either be on more anger (“have you come to your senses yet?”), or on profuse apologies and meaningless promises that everything will change.

I expect be behaved defensively because you were criticising his kids and his parenting, but you were right. No respect and just not on. The only one I perhaps disagree with is that probably kids of that age don’t want to sit and watch a film with adults and that’s ok, but all the others you were not being unreasonable at all.

This isn’t about him putting his children first. It’s about his children being unruly and utterly rude. They’d be a menace to society were they to carry on like so.

Those kids are most definitely not “ just being kids”! That’s horrendous behaviour.