Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

He not a good dad who is putting his kids first. He's a shit Dad who is too lazy to parent them properly and he's doing them no favours by letting them behave like this. Kids pushing boundaries is totally normal. But parents are supposed to make those boundaries clear, and enforce them.
You don't need someone this weak in your life. He'll take the easy way out every time, and blame someone else for it. Not a great catch.

@innersilentscreams

Please get your locks/barrels changed, today if you can. Or leave a key in the lock so his key won't work.

I guarantee that when you don't call to 'beg forgiveness' he will come back thinking that if he's there in front of you (with puppy dog eyes and so so sad) you'll take him back. You don't want or need to deal with that.

Think they meant the First Wives Club are the 10% saying I'm unreasonable, because they are in shitty marriages, putting up with nonsense that they don't yet realise is wrong, and haven't Left The Bastard Yet, therefore their perceptions are skewed.....maybe x

I've left keys in all locks, taken the spare set out of the box outside, and for extra security am going to use the door jammer I bought in case I had a solo stay in a hotel soon x

Have a good old tidy up, chuck anything remaining in bin liners and yes, go and do some volunteering and find your people! It is a good time of the year for outdoor stuff - gardens and wildlife sites. Find some helpful people who share your values.

Children do some horrible and silly stuff but it is usually offset by trying to teach them to do better and the children trying to learn. He doesn't seem to have this dynamic and doesn't seem to want to please you either.

She’s agreeing with the poster.

Wrappers? Yep, most parents pick them up. Teenagers don't.

Wtf? No, only the really badly brought up ones leave things at their arse.

OP they're a shower of arseholes, the lot of them, and you're well rid. Enjoy your clean, peaceful home.

Wiping snots on sofa is normal? Op has to pass that test?

Op your dp or whatever you call him is unreasonable. Putting kids first is so strange way to justify such disrespectful behaviour.

That's one if the most outrageous points, she sees the kid damage her glasses with her own eyes and he says it didn't happen. He's a manipulative liar.

Ikr.

Must be tempting to damage something of his & say it has been like that for a while.

maybe it just looked like that because he likes fiddling with things'

I mean maybe he can just be told to leave other people's stuff alone!

Your mum seems to have a strange attitude though Op & that can't help.

Inner, you have absolutely done the right thing in getting rid of these horrible people out of your life.

Please, please for your own peace of mind do not let them back in, or It will be worse than ever. You sound like a lovely person , and you do not deserve to be treated like this.

Get everything single thing of theirs, bag it up and tell him to come and collect it by a certain date, then block him on everything.
Then give your home a deep deep clean, ( not saying it is dirty btw) just get rid of any trace of them. Include the suite and carpets and hire a Rug Doctor and as we say 'Oop North, give it a reet good fettle'!

Reclaim your home and start living your best life.

Best of luck.💐

They do sound exhausting and rude. I think the snack packets is quite normal teenage behaviour and thinking going on a bike ride is boring. Their dad’s behaviour sounds just as rude to be honest, is that where they get it from? Throwing a tantrum and leaving because you have expressed you’re finding his children’s behaviour difficult? Surely he should be having a word with them to have a bit more respect for you. I’d let him bugger off if that’s his attitude.

You could get rid of the spare beds and make a nice laundry space in the spare room now!

Don't take them back. .
He will be back when his dm twists about precisely why you don't want them there!!

Your updates say it all. They are vile and you sound lovely. Get rid and don’t look back.

Ah right. It makes sense now. Or they're the mothers of badly behaved children.

I’m glad to read this because I was concerned about what you would do when (not if) he tries to come back. As other posters said in his mind he thinks you will take him back and he has all the control and because you desperately need him you will give in to him and his children’s antics. Let’s see how long his parents put up with their feral behaviour.

He’s a Disney dad and on top a useless cocklodger. He flounced off like he has his own home to go back to instead of his parents 😂. What an idiot.

You recognize that you’re unable to put up boundaries and that you freeze and just go along with things that don’t really work for you and this is something you need to work on. Maybe look into therapy to get to the root cause and come up with strategies to help you stand your ground and put up appropriate boundaries. This is important to avoid getting j to other similar situations in the future.

Please don't take him back! The utter disrespect shown by this man and his kids to you and your home is unbelievable. No way is their behaviour normal and their father condoning it really is the last straw and you were completely justified in pulling him up on it.

I agree I was agreeing with that poster It was a reply

No you are not being unreasonable, be glad he left.

my DP and I both have kids from previous relationships and neither of our kids would ever be this rude. Normally stroppy teenage behaviour and rude remarks, yes, but not constant rudeness and they would all be in serious trouble for things like shouting ‘boring’ over whatever we were watching. Honestly, if that’s what he wants for his kids it will never change and you are better off out of it. By the sounds of it he’s a Disney dad with no boundaries and you were just a free/cheap home and skivvy so he didn’t expect you to say a thing about his piss poor parenting.

good riddance, enjoy your peaceful life.

Let's keep the kids comfortable in the homes by letting them wipe their hands on sofa with snots and food. No, kids are not 2 year old.

No hope for this country's econony with such irresponsible attitude by people raising next generation.

Dump his sorry arse with his baggage - you can still have your own dc or adopt and have a family of your own! That is what my brother did - first he was stupid enough to think he could take on a lady with 2 dc and 'parent' them. As long as 'parenting' was paying for all that circus, it was fine - as soon as he dared voice an opinion on the dc lacking in any department, mainly behavioural, it was 'you are not their dad, you can't say anything to them!' And when they grew up a bit, it was 'you are not my dad, don't tell me what to do'. Obviously, he tired of this nonsense and created his own family, where he is allowed not only to pay for everyone, but also express criticism, without being accused of 'sp bias'.

@innersilentscreams i would also say that as a child of a likely covert narcissist and an alcoholic, plus some additional traumatic events in childhood, I struggled (still struggle) with asserting my own boundaries. (FWIW I have tried different talking therapies and found the most useful to be parts/ Internal Family Systems and variations of that. In case you were wondering whether to get some.)

This situation isn’t your fault, and you don’t have to accept behaviour you find upsetting in any way. Nor do you owe people things that make you unhappy. Please be aware that he will likely try to guilt trip you and will use manipulation to get around what you say, so don’t say anything. Use the grey rock method because the moment you are on the back foot he will attack that perceived weakness.

I really would struggle to get upset about that as those things forever need replacing anyway.

Maybe it's got past this point now but it seems like sticking TVs in their rooms and leaving them to it would have fixed the issues. Maybe getting a cleaner to clean them. And definitely spending less time with them rather than suggesting bike rides and cafes.

Edit: deleted because it posted twice

I think what you’ve described is a mixture of normal but annoying teenage behaviour (playing games loudly, complaining that everything is boring) and not normal (misbehaving in cafes).

However, it seems to me that their dad can’t be bothered to parent or wants to be the ‘cool’ weekend parent with no rules and is happy to use your house for it. He should respect and enforce your decision to have no food in the lounge. He should pick up after his kids if they make a mess or get them to clean up themselves. And he should make sure that they treat you and your home with respect. From that point of view you are not unreasonable.