To think that “mental load” is just another way to moan about normal adult life?

[ByNimbleCrow]

Everyone has responsibilities. Why do women act like keeping track of household tasks is some unique burden?

But we're not just passive pieces in statistical trends. "Largely falls on women" isn't something that just inevitably happens. Traditional stereotypes aren't innate. Endless moaning about how the mental load is a women's problem just reinforces the idea that This Is Just How It Is.

The thing is no one is going to step in for you - this isn't like other feminist struggles where we campaign for legislative or policy change. Only you actually have agency over your relationship dynamic. Women certainly should be encouraged to exercise that agency but honestly some of the cooing over "traditional roles" on the dating threads makes me feel like that's banging your head against a brick wall.

As I said, I wanted to and did not mind. It wasn’t anything that I wouldn’t have done if I lived on my own.

Well must be it was all my fault for having ND/SEN kids who needed more support with packing for longer.

I did at times find it hard to juggle getting kids to appointments and work and getting them out of school and back in shortest times - probably also personal failing when I couldn't be in three places at once at same time and DH was working away.

Many of these posts reminds me when I did years with DH working all week with three DC - and I remember one of IL friends same age as us with kids went on it really wasn't hard and why it we make out it was. I thought we rarely mention it TBH and can't remember one conversation with her about it - we just got on with it assume IL mentioned it as it did curtain their visiting sometimes.

Then her DH was in similar position possible working away and she went to peices at prospect - could not cope had to go to doctors for stress wailed at everyone it would be too hard for her to cope - unlike us her Mum was always ready to help and just round the corner. IL usually her biggest fans eye rolled at her- and in end he gave up the opportunity.

How hard it is depends on kids - lots of hospital appointmets will probably be harder than a very healthy child- and what resources parents have - if you have family on doorstep who can help you out or others who will - massively helps.

Persoanally I found it was just a short period in childhood - and just knuckle down and got on with it - I think if I'd known it would ease up it would have been helpful.

Yes, "that's just how it is" is precisely the problem. If you have any magical solutions to a problem that societies don't seem to have solved the world over, let's hear it.

Because they are taking on the day to day endless burden of the mental load for the entire family. If you live with another adult who does their equal share in being responsible for domestic/life/child admin then obviously it will be less onerous.

I see that too. In comments of being a CEO of a family…🤣

"Be a lazy slattern who no man could have ever thought would do any domestic heavy lifting" worked for me.

But seriously it's to break down traditional gender roles (particularly the male provider/female nurturer stereotype) and to push back against the idea that men and women are fundamentally different. Particularly at the dating stage when women are choosing their life partner.

Do you have kids? Because pre-baby I would have asked the same. I was ignorant as to how much a baby adds to my plate (without adding the same to DH's).

The women that complain about household work being a mental load most likely live with others who do not take on the same amount of responsibility.

For example I’m lucky enough to have a partner who is quite domestic and is home back from work at a decent time so we share this mental load.

However my ex was absolutly useless! I would be cleaning up after myself and him - it was like having an additional child. That was a mental load!

If you have other things to do - then yes it’s a mental load for anyone. If you are at home all day though and have time to do all of the life admin - then I think you don’t have to complain about it as much.

CEO of a family! Thankfully I’ve never heard that gross phrase in real life.

@faerietales How about blaming the actual party that behaves like shit, and not the one who tries their best? Who looks after everyone, tries to work on the relationship, make an effort, understands adjusting to parenthood takes time, wants to keep the family together etc etc.. All good values.

But no. You think that responsibility also falls on the woman? To make the unbelievably difficult decision to break up the family and leave with a young child.

Where do you see the male responsibility here then? What are men responsible for? Anything? At all?

Why wouldn’t a baby add equally to your DH?

This isn't exactly ground breaking. And many men do behave differently when dating, and once married think they've now found someone who should be taking care of their needs. Traditional gender roles are not going to disappear overnight, and they present themselves in insidious ways.

The hyperbole is cracking me up. It’s not an “endless burden”

I have kids and they added to both our plates. If you are putting it all on your plate there is a problem.

It depends how much it takes out of you.
if you are one of those super busy super organised people who pride themselves in always being ‘on the go’ then it’s probably enjoyable and healing. On the other hand if for some reason you find it challenging organising yourself let alone a load of other people then frankly it’s hard work and takes energy that you could be spending in a different way and can leave you feeling burned out and overwhelmed. No single answer I would say.

But she had to drive because he didn’t bring his license. And she had to organize the holiday because he wouldn’t. And she has to prep for the kids because he won’t. If she stops none of the family stuff happens.

What's your solution then? Mine worked for me. This isn't my problem - I successfully avoided it.

I didn't say I had a solution. In fact quite the opposite. From the way you wrote your response to my first post ranting about how no one is coming to save women, and banging heads on walls, I thought you had some semblance of a solution.

He would have had to take responsibility if you didn't.

But that's the thing. The same shit men who won't share the load to start with, they will NOT take responsibility and it's the kids who suffer. Who are not taken to dentist appointment and birthday parties, who won't get tutoring when needed, who don't have clean and suitable clothes and balanced meals etc etc.

And if you suggest that one should then divorce - sure, then your children will spend 50-50 or every other weekend with a dad who still doesn't give a shit.

AI and male Reform voters out in force here today, I see.

Happy fucking Mothers Day!

When I was single and living in my own little house with no kids, I had an awful lot less thinking/planning/remembering/organising AKA mental load to deal with than I do now, as a wife and mother with a busy home to run. That was Adulting Level 2 (single adult living with parent being Level 1).
Then I moved on to Level 3 as a wife and mother.
Then 4 with the addition of complex health needs in one of my children.
Now on the precipice of Level 5 - adding a degree of responsibility and care for an elderly relative to the mix.
Luckily, my DH is a reformed model and I’d say the additional metal labour is pretty much evenly shared.
However, as a grown up who knows that not everyone lives the same life, I’m very aware that many men haven’t a scooby about the day to day lives of their own children or the work that goes into running a home. It’s only been a few decades since we broke free from the kitchen sink so we are still flushing out a lot of shitty attitudes, apparently stolen from members of our own sex who also are clueless about what we do.
Level 1 and Level 2 adulting do not generate anything like the mental load of later levels and it’s ludicrous to suggest that because people doing all the work for multiple people have a harder time then when they only had one person to think for that they are somehow failing or complaining about nothing.

I personally don't think there's anything particularly admirable about remaining married to a man who can't feed his kids, do basic household tasks and who clearly doesn't respect you as a fellow parent or partner.

I also never said men shouldn't take responsibility, but every time a woman chooses to stay married to a man who does jack-shit, she is also part of the problem. She's also teaching her children that useless men who do fuck all are the norm - which just perpetuates the problem.

Should the man do more? Yes, absolutely, but when he doesn't, the woman doesn't need to stay. We're not in the 1950's anymore - we have choices.

This logic makes no sense - living with a partner should reduce your load, not keep it the same!

To be fair, I refer to myself as the household manager. But only because I'm a manager in work and it basically sums up what I do at home:
I plan.
I manage the calendar.
I delegate tasks to those best suited to them (cooking, grass cutting, recycling, room tidying, washing collection and putting out).