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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he a knobhead for not picking me up?

158 replies

WTF99 · 30/03/2025 00:00

Would you expect your DP to pick you up from the train station when you've been away for the weekend (with my, not our, daughter) and you've a mile to walk to get to his house where your car is parked

He said he was too busy WFH to take 15 mins out to pick me up.

OP posts:
adviceneeded1990 · 30/03/2025 09:37

TennesseeStella · 30/03/2025 00:13

No, I wouldn't expect to be picked up. I'm an independent adult well able to sort out my own life logistics.

This.

MustardGlass · 30/03/2025 09:40

Working from home is still working. It’s not as flexible as people believe.

Hwi · 30/03/2025 09:41

This post is more about why WFH is really not working and everybody knows it, but people continue to pretend it is not the case.

gannett · 30/03/2025 09:41

Mumofnarnia · 30/03/2025 09:33

If you had say 3 miles to walk, a small child and lots of bags to carry then I’d understand a bit more. But a weekend away with an adult daughter then no YABU. And as pp have suggested there are things called taxis. People can’t just leave work to come and pick you up. What would you do if he was working in an office? You just assume he can leave work because he works from home.

Show quote history

The other thing is that there's such a thing as communication and planning ahead.

You usually know roughly what time you're travelling back/when your partner will be arriving back. You also know whether you'll need extra help or not (if it's late, if you have a child and bags etc). Meanwhile your partner will know if he's available at that time or not. So you communicate and sort things out ahead of time. None of this should ever need to be sorted last-minute unless something totally unforeseen has happened.

TonTonMacoute · 30/03/2025 09:42

Depends what the work is, but wfh is often stuff that needs concentration and focus. dH's work requires detailed reading and checking of legal documents, comparing different drafts, making sure a clause hasn't been changed or missed out.

It would be very distracting to take a random break from it halfway through, and very difficult to get back into it again afterwards.

Also, it's unlikely to be just 15 minutes, you would have wanted to chat about your break, maybe gone in for a cup of tea as well. It could well have stretched into an hour. He may have been up against a deadline.

YABABU

IsItOnlyWednesday · 30/03/2025 09:43

WTF99 · 30/03/2025 02:12

Well, it's an interesting divide:

  • I'm.working so fuck off and don't expect anything from me til after 5pm
  • I have the flexibility to put myself out for something important, should the need arise, if it's important enough

I suspect I'm not sufficiently important.....

I don’t think the issue is that ‘you’re’ not important enough, I imagine if there was an actual need, he’d have been flexible, but a grown adult walking a mile, doesn’t really seem like something that meets this criteria. It’s a little bit dramatic to expect this level of welcome after a weekend away, you’ve not just done a tour of duty with the armed forces.

ilovesooty · 30/03/2025 09:47

LeilaLandi · 30/03/2025 07:41

I’d have been so excited to see my partner if they’d been away and, if I could, and my wfh is flexible unless there’s a meeting in which case I’d explain with disappointment, super keen to pick them up after they’d been travelling and give them a massive hug.

She's been away for a few days, not months on end.

Mumofnarnia · 30/03/2025 10:01

ApiratesaysYarrr · 30/03/2025 09:14

Laughably, in one of the OP's updates, her child is an adult, so not even having to drag a tired child along (although of course taxis are still the answer if OP didn't want to walk)

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This!! Op felt the need to make a point that it was HER daughter not their daughter so I assumed she was talking about a toddler or small child and that she probably had to lug a push chair and kiddy bags about with a small tired child who was throwing a tantrum because they didn’t want to walk until I saw her update that it was her adult daughter 😂.

Bestfootforward11 · 30/03/2025 10:06

If he’s in meetings and stuff and/or his online use is monitored etc then you are being unreasonable. If not, then I’d expect him to pick you up as the time can easily be made up.

BunnyLake · 30/03/2025 10:07

My son WFH and definitely would not be able to take time out to do a favour for his gf. Only if it fell in his scheduled lunch break could he.

XiCi · 30/03/2025 10:07

Absolutely I would pick up DH if he had been away and spent the day travelling. You'd have to be a selfish, miserable fuck not to. It's a little gesture of kindness that takes virtually no effort but makes your partners life a bit easier. Fair enough if the DP had a meeting or a job that required strict presenteeism but OP has explained this is not the case. I often pop out to drop/pick up my mum to the station. 100% my DH would do this for me. I don't think you have much of a relationship if you can't be bothered doing even a small favour for your partner. That's a pretty miserable way of life.

Bestfootforward11 · 30/03/2025 10:08

Bestfootforward11 · 30/03/2025 10:06

If he’s in meetings and stuff and/or his online use is monitored etc then you are being unreasonable. If not, then I’d expect him to pick you up as the time can easily be made up.

If adult daughter then I think less unreasonable for him to not pick you up.

ItWasAYellowPolkaDotBikini · 30/03/2025 10:10

Whatonearthdoiknow · 30/03/2025 00:57

Are people really so heavily monitored when WFH that they can’t nip out for 15 minutes? Everyone is legally entitled to a break, he couldn’t organise his day to collect you in that break? I wouldn’t think anything of it if any of my staff said “I’m nipping out for half a hour to collect whoever”.
So yes I think he was being a knob head. I would have collected my DH and he would have collected me.

I WFH and this would be absolutely fine in my job. DH also WFH and not a chance would he be able to do this. Even his lunches are scheduled for him.

I imagine DH would be pissed off if I didn’t offer, because he knows I have that flexibility, unless I’d told him I have a meeting. I’m always nipping out. I wouldn’t even dream of suggesting it to DH because I also know how his day works and doing a half an hour round trip would not be okay.

OP, only you know what his general work life is like. Some of us have that flexibility and some of us don’t. I’m guessing you know if he does or not.

Flamingoknees · 30/03/2025 10:11

My DP wouldn't be able to leave "the phones" to do this. If his job was more flexible, I'd expect a lift, if it was 10 - 15 minute job. So if he has that flexibility YANBU.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 30/03/2025 10:12

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 30/03/2025 08:58

If you can’t be bothered to read all the OP’s posts before posting, expect to look like an arse.

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The arse is you for rudeness. The fact OP was with her (adult) daughter was irrelevant but OP only clarified that later. There was no need for the OP to even mention it.

RedHelenB · 30/03/2025 10:12

A Mike walk isn't far unless you've got really heavy luggage.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 30/03/2025 10:30

XiCi · 30/03/2025 10:07

Absolutely I would pick up DH if he had been away and spent the day travelling. You'd have to be a selfish, miserable fuck not to. It's a little gesture of kindness that takes virtually no effort but makes your partners life a bit easier. Fair enough if the DP had a meeting or a job that required strict presenteeism but OP has explained this is not the case. I often pop out to drop/pick up my mum to the station. 100% my DH would do this for me. I don't think you have much of a relationship if you can't be bothered doing even a small favour for your partner. That's a pretty miserable way of life.

And your exactly why wfh doesn't work- prioritise everything over the work you're paid to do.

gannett · 30/03/2025 10:38

XiCi · 30/03/2025 10:07

Absolutely I would pick up DH if he had been away and spent the day travelling. You'd have to be a selfish, miserable fuck not to. It's a little gesture of kindness that takes virtually no effort but makes your partners life a bit easier. Fair enough if the DP had a meeting or a job that required strict presenteeism but OP has explained this is not the case. I often pop out to drop/pick up my mum to the station. 100% my DH would do this for me. I don't think you have much of a relationship if you can't be bothered doing even a small favour for your partner. That's a pretty miserable way of life.

"Virtually no effort"? You're deluded, not that I'd feel like making any effort for someone who throws around insults like "selfish, miserable fuck" at the drop of a hat.

Randomer27 · 30/03/2025 10:39

WTF99 · 30/03/2025 02:12

Well, it's an interesting divide:

  • I'm.working so fuck off and don't expect anything from me til after 5pm
  • I have the flexibility to put myself out for something important, should the need arise, if it's important enough

I suspect I'm not sufficiently important.....

I don’t know about that. Sometimes second time round relationships can be complicated by ‘errors’ in previous ones.

As an example, I am very reluctant to make myself available for little jobs for a man, in case I fall again into a trap where I make their life easier, by making mine harder, and it is expected rather than appreciated.

So the line between thoughtful and doormat is quite narrow.

I’m not saying that’s what’s going on here and of course you say you would have collected him - but have you actually collected?

outerspacepotato · 30/03/2025 11:10

You are an adult who can get independently from point a to point b, right? You got yourself from Spain to the train station. Then why can't you get a mile down the road?

Why should picking you up and taking you a mile down the road be his priority when he is WORKING? WTF. Would you have expected pickup service if he was we working in the office?

This is his livelihood and you're trying to fuck with it because you think him picking you up for a mile drive should be more important than his earning his living. That's not kind, that's entitlement.

This is the kind of bullshit that is getting work from home turned back to work in the office.

UnNiddeRides · 30/03/2025 11:25

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 30/03/2025 10:12

The arse is you for rudeness. The fact OP was with her (adult) daughter was irrelevant but OP only clarified that later. There was no need for the OP to even mention it.

Show quote history

The adult daughter is particularly irrelevant. She wasn’t even with the OP as they’d parted company in London…

Cucy · 30/03/2025 12:40

I would have tried to pick you up but if I was working then it’s unlikely it would have been at the same time as your train getting in.

By the time I was able to come and get you, it would have been easier to just walk.

I wouldn’t have assumed that you needed a lift but if you had asked me then I would have tried.

I don’t the WFH should mean being able to have a 15min break whenever you want and I’d like to know if you WFH too and whether you think it’s more flexible that it actually is.

I only WFH during covid and it was much more flexible than in person, but I still wouldn’t have been able to leave for 15mins whenever I wanted.

BodyKeepingScore · 30/03/2025 18:50

If he was working I’d say it’s reasonable for him to have declined to collect you. If it’s a mile away from the station that’s only a 15 min walk or so

Laura95167 · 31/03/2025 18:11

WFH is still working so no i wouldn't expect him to pick me up. If he could flex out and do it I'd consider that thoughtful, but i certainly wouldn't think him a knobhead if he couldn't because he was at work

Yourcatisnotsorry · 31/03/2025 18:41

Yabu to assume wfh is not working.