She doesn’t know any mums that are happy

[Yousaiditnotme]

Did anyone hear/see Chappell Roan’s podcast about not wanting kids?
She was saying how all her friends with kids were just living in hell, how she doesn’t see anyone happy with kids, how there’s no light in their eyes etc.

I thought it was interesting, any thoughts?

I’m sure plenty are. I’m sure plenty are happy while finding it hard too.

I also think - and there have been threads on here about it - that some women wouldn’t make the same choices if they had their time again once they’ve actually lived and realised how difficult it is.

There have also been threads from shell shocked mothers asking when it gets better or if it being this hard is normal. And often the answer is yes it is this hard - people just don’t talk so much about those bits.

Personally no way in hell would I wreck myself and have to deal with a wailing baby day and night. Or an older child come to that. I was never bothered about kids and after reading a bit on here I was absolutely certain about not wanting them.

Confirmation bias?
She doesn’t want children. So she’s remembering all the negative things she heard or sees from her friends who are parents. And not seeing or hearing about the wonderful parts.

This.

Im very happy i dont have children around my feet.

I loved parenting, and so did my friends. If it was so awful would some people go on to have more than one or two kids?

Sure, it has it's stresses, but I'm sure the things I'd be doing without kids around would also have their stresses.

I absolutely adore my DD and me and DP have so much fun every day with her. When I wake up in the morning she runs in for a hug and when I come home from going out with my friends she literally cheers.

When she was a baby, me and DP split the nights so we both slept plenty.

Everyone told me parenting would be awful and honestly it's been great. Me and DP are relaxed parents/people though - a lot of people seem to be v stressed with their kids.

Currently pregnant with no 2 and I want about 4 kids. Me and DP have demanding jobs, and I didn't have kids until mid 30s, so I know what adult life is like without kids too. And I was perfectly happy without kids, but I'm way happier with them.

I find her annoying. Her comments are based on her experiences and yes motherhood is hard, but no light in their eyes nonsense? Isnt she supposed to be a voice for the ‘vulnerable’? Queer? ✔️ Trans? ✔️ Palestine? ✔️ But actual women being mothers? No actual words of wisdom other than ‘its hard!’ Well no shit captain obvious! Sadly she sounds like a lot of these artists nowadays, they have a lot to say about stuff they actually know nothing about.

She will find her life far more satisfying if she doesn’t decide whether or not to do something irrevocable based on whether other people look perpetually joyous while doing it. Deciding not to have a child requires absolutely no justification other than not wanting to have a child.

I want to stay child free as it's not the life I ever want. I don't want to raise children.
But I can't speak for anyone else. I'm happy with just me and my partner

But I wouldn't speak for anyone else

I have a baby and I have 2 close friends who don't want babies. The problem is I cannot gush about my baby to those particular friends without causing offence. So there is an element of confirmation bias.

Also, yes, I am sleep deprived and in the early days I moaned about. Because it was a shock. But that's what people do, no? We need to talk about the hard times too, so if you have already decided you don't want babies, that's all you will hear.

And you won't understand the pure joy of holding my baby at 2am and his little soft chubby hand touching my face 😍 you'll just hear that I'm tired. But it is literally the best feeling in the world.

Plenty of childless people wandering around with "no light in their eyes" too.

We all have good days and bad days. Of course it is hard sometimes, but I can say hand on heart, I am so glad I have my children.

Could be her age, her friends may be in the throes of newborn/toddler stages... Or it could be that she isn't actually as comfortable with her decision not to have children as she portrays.

I'll be honest, I only have one friend who I would say has really enjoyed motherhood at all stages. My other friends have really struggled and whilst they wouldn't ever change DCs, they have regrets about their spouse choice or number of children they chose to have.

I have two friends who deeply wish they had stopped at one.

Motherhood isn't easy and with the pressures of juggling work and homelife, a lot of women ARE drained and exhausted. Especially nowadays when women are expected to work and contribute financially 50% but a lot of men are still sexist and believe women should also be doing the bulk of childcare and home chores.

A lot of women I know essentially have two full time jobs. Outside work and then home/childcare.

I love my 3DC so very very much. But I am in fight or flight mode almost every minute of my day, derive very little true honest to goodness happiness from my life, and today, not for the first time, I found myself thinking about how utterly and completely trapped I am.

So Chappell INBU

I love my DD and my stepkids. I love babies and most (!) small children. I feel sorry for the friends who’ve missed out. They dress it up as a choice but in reality it has been a non choice that crept up on them

its very hard at points and monotonous but having older kids now and the wonderful conversations and being part of their lives is fantastic

I think it's also important to note she is American.

They have woeful maternity practices.

I can't imagine going back to work after such short weeks. Losing our village has happened all over the western world.

At first when I heard she had said this I was a bit shocked because I thought wow she's being really judgemental, but now I reflect on it and I think wow that's really sad if it genuinely is true that she doesn't know any young mums who are happy.

It’s great that you enjoy them, but obviously you’ve also missed out on the experience of being childfree.

Pretty patronising to refuse your childfree friends as having made an equally valid choice.

They could feel sorry for you 🤷🏼‍♀️
You made your choice, they made theirs.

You don't regret having yours. They won't regret not having any. I don't regret being child free. But I don't feel sorry for people who have children as they made a choice they are happy with as did I.

@FeministUnderTheCatriarchy to be fair, who among us is happy all the time at all stages of our lives? I think it's detrimental to expect women to suddenly be happy all the time when they have a baby!!!

I have done plenty of things in my life that didn't make me happy at that particular time but they were a building block to something better. I'm a bit baffled by the expectation that we should all be happy all the time and feel like something is wrong if we're not.

That being said, the financial/working side of things IS horrible. Having to hold down a full time job while I was puking 12 times a day and then being crippled by PGP from 24 weeks was something else. And I did feel resentment towards my DH who, as nice as he is, will never get how hard that was. Ever.

I'm very happy with motherhood and personally I think my life would have felt a lot emptier without my child (no criticism intended here of those who don't choose motherhood).

But I only have one child. The people I know with more than one are all really struggling.

Never heard of her.

Comments like that always strike me as someone protesting a bit too much though.

People who are genuinely happy being childfree don't usually emphatically bang on about how horrific and awful and terrible parenthood is ime.

@Sharktoothgirl I agree, we all do this to some extent if we’re honest.

If being childfree is the right decision for her, great.

There was that article years ago about parenthood, saying it was ‘all joy and no fun’. And of course a lot of it is neither joy nor fun but exhausting and inconvenient and boring and hard. It’s a long way from dancing on stage at the Pink Pony Club, for sure.

But I wouldn’t not have had mine. He’s brought me so much emotional richness and belly laughs and intellectual challenges and new things to think about and new ways of thinking. I think I’ve still got light in my eyes, or whatever she’s on about.

I also had my only (living) DC at 40 - all of my friends were 10-15 years into parenthood by then and I had a pretty good idea of the loss of freedom and the expense and the exhaustion it entailed. I was under no illusion that my body would snap back to its former shape or that I would get my old life back once I was done breastfeeding.

I think it comes as a massive shock to a lot of people how much every aspect of your life changes in ways you can’t predict. People who struggle with uncertainty / unpredictably and not being in control have a very hard time with parenthood IME.

Patronising much?

I have 4 kids and now two grandchildren. I loved being a mum when they were children, and love it even more now they are adults. And now I have two grandchildren who I look after and love them just as much.

I never judge those who choose to be child free, but I can't imagine that the freedom of being child free is as wonderful as the highs of child rearing. Yes, lots of lows, hideous exhaustion and at times, trauma (the teen years had some real lows) but the feeling of continuity of family as they grow is something I would not have missed for anything.
I'm heading for 60 and I think without kids my future would be looking empty.

I can't imagine that the freedom of being child free is as wonderful as the highs of child rearing.

What a strange assumption. Rearing children is not thought of as "wonderful" to someone that's chosen not to have children. They're chalk and cheese.