She doesn’t know any mums that are happy

[Yousaiditnotme]

Did anyone hear/see Chappell Roan’s podcast about not wanting kids?
She was saying how all her friends with kids were just living in hell, how she doesn’t see anyone happy with kids, how there’s no light in their eyes etc.

I thought it was interesting, any thoughts?

What an incredibly ignorant and rude comment. Not everyone is maternal and not everyone sees their children as the light of their world. Why do we have so many children who are neglected and so many in care?

My Mother regularly tells us she regrets having us and how much better her life would have been if she had remained child free. I believe her too. She truly believes we ruined her life.

For many people being child free is the right choice.

Good for her.

I felt the same before having kids.

Wish I'd made different choices to be honest.

Someone has already mentioned that 50 years ago having kids was the expected norm. Those outside of that were subjected to a barrage of 'when will we hear the patter of tiny feet' or 'she hasn't met the right man yet'.

All this type of chat is a backlash, IMO. Women without children have been pitied and derided for it for far longer than the 'childfree and happy' have been allowed to be so.

As a female artist, she'll have been asked about kids way more than her male counterparts. As an ordinary person in their fifties married without children, I've heard about it way more than my husband has. The sort of depressing attitudes still espoused on this very thread by a handful of posters were far more common in my 20s.

Saying you didn't want children was an invitation to be laughed at, endlessly told you'll change your mind, in fact it was just a long round of being told by someone else what you should be.

This young woman made a generalisation, yes. But in her country right now it's very likely she's hearing an awful lot about how lonely she'll be, how she's not old enough to know her own mind, how she'll be a sad cat lady. How she'll never know true love, etc, because those attitudes are all on the rise again.

Child free women have had a bit of a moment in the sun for a few years. Now the birthrate has dropped through the floor, and the religious right is once again in ascendance in this lady's home nation, being child free is reverting back to a position to be defended.

I've got to admit, I got so fed up of hearing about how I really should want to be a mother, I resorted to saying how miserable I thought parents were. I didn't believe it, but got so sick of hearing about how miserable I was going to be without fulfilling my one, true purpose. And, by the way, in the early days I was defending a decision not to go down the rabbit hole of fertility treatment.

I think that's a really rude thing for him to say - wonder what his wife feels about him announcing that. Looks like he has a pretty full on working life and with presumably 5 dc at home what effort is he putting into the "romance"?

Of course its aged them 😂 but the fact that that's one of the biggest negatives you can mention is a bit sad on your part and a bit mean towards your friends.

As parents you definitely have down days (although I'm sure people without kids arent sunshine and Rose's 24/7 365 days a year) but there is nothing on earth more fulfilling or can bring more joy than your child.

I have a successful career and done lots of travelling to amazing places but none of that comes close to holding my baby. Eventually safaris and wine tastings and diving with sharks got very meh, it just wasn't fulfilling me anymore.

Yes there are days or nights where I want a break and a cry but so what, everything in life has its ups and downs. The highs are so much better than I ever thought they would be and the lows are temporary.

Yes babies and children are hard and it definitely depends on your partner and support network (and i think parenthood shows some women that their partners are selfish pricks, which has very little to do with the baby) but it's all 100% worth it. I think the mothers that get out and make mum friends struggle less because you need that community with such big changes. My childless friends became quite cold and were disappointed i was pregnant because it would change our group and affect our nights out.... these were women in their 30s. Life evolves and people change and whilst i can understand babies are a hassle and some people like a quiet life, I do just feel like doesnt it get lonely, boring, repetitive?

I have a 1yr old and expecting again and I still do mostly the same stuff as before I had kids, we still do holidays, eat out, get massages, do yoga... I have also made so many more new friends and we do stuff with our babies and apart, I've been to spa days and craft days and nights out drinking and dancing with these women. I dont know why motherhood is portrayed so negatively, yes it's hard but anything worth doing generally is.

It's her age. Her friends are going through the baby stage where they get no sleep and are having a huge shock to their lifestyle.

What is there to say, except that people are different? Some people rave about a particular film or book, while others would say it's a pile of shit and others will be somewhere in between.

I love being a mum and wouldn't change it for the world. I don't know anyone who doesn't, but it would be stupid and short sighted of me to then say it's a brilliant experience for everyone.

Chappel Roan must like her own music - I think it's terrible and might just lose my sanity if I ever hear that dire Pink Pony Club song again. Someone must like it though! We're all different.

I suspect a lot of people she knows are miserable full stop given how negative and miserable she is about most things.

This conversation gets tedious because people both 'sides' get defensive and both come out with equally hyperbolic and ignorant statements that rile the other up and for every action an equal reaction as they say. I truly don't get why some are so bothered by her comment, she's a 20 something now multi millionaire who has a career based on several minority tropes - she has nothing in common with most people who are offended by her comment who have for some self centred reason taken it personally. I do find it funny when people in their 20s craft a career grifting on social media about being childfree as if people with children can't relate; plenty were childfree in their 20s and know exactly what's it like; they aren't aliens that spawned when they decided to have children.

I dont believe the vast majority of women regret not having children in the future, i also believe that most women who do have them don't regret having children as much as they regret having them with a selfish, useless and shithouse of a 'father'.

Also I get that some people arent maternal at all and that's fine but it's the negativity directed towards women who are mothers that is so ridiculous. Saying they look dead behind the eyes and regret their choices and life is ruined.
I'm sure weve all had moments like that and when with your friends of course you do complain, some women genuinely arent meant to be mothers but to say all women regret having babies is nonsense and to pretend motherhood is only the badtimes is nonsense. It's difficult to explain to childless people how or why you do the things parents do because they dont know any differently.

Being a mother on an individual level is different to being a mother at a societal level, they're two separate things, I suppose you could frame it as mothering vs motherhood.

Mothering is sometimes hard, can rough patches, might have moments where you wonder whether you're cut out for it, and can have a fuck of a steep learning curve but you love your children, you feel enriched by them, all that good stuff. It's an individual experience, other mothers will have their own experiences, some (most?) will love it and - despite the ups and downs - will be happy overall.

Motherhood though is shit. Ever hear the phrase "a mother's place is in the wrong?" - that's motherhood. Judgement and pressure from all areas from the moment people realise you're pregnant - birth choices/experiences, feeding, weaning, sleeping, education, parenting. The contradictions are mind-boggling. You're supposed to ping back into your old jeans, have a complaint baby/toddler who is quiet and well-behaved at all times and sleeps 10 hours. You're also supposed to carry on your career at the same time as not prioritising your career or else become a SAHM without getting entirely lost in the M part. Your marriage shouldn't suffer and you should keep the magic alive but also how dare you want child-free time because your whole life should revolve around your child (and that's not mentioning the pressure of confirming to a socio-normative ideal of marriage and a stable home before having children). If you share the downsides, you're being too negative. If you share the upsides, you're romanticising. Maternal rights vary enormously, as do reproductive rights - especially in places like the US - and a lot of the time, motherhood means giving up your personhood as far as society is concerned because you become just "mum".

About as much nonsense as the claim made by a PP that being childless must be lonely, boring and repetitive.

This young woman is making her comments against a backdrop of a nation that has prominent citizens announcing what sad, lonely, cat ladies the child free are. One person on this very thread said she was 'wasting her life on the wrong things'.

Being child free has only relatively recently become socially acceptable for women, but we are STILL hearing about how unfulfilled we are, what our lives lack.

Perhaps we shouldn't turn the tables, and of course this woman has made a silly generalisation, but one glance at this thread shows a depressing number of people who still think the child free are purposeless, loveless, etc.

It's a crock of shit both ways, but in my younger years, I got so fed up of constantly hearing about the children I should be having, and the pity if I said it would be difficult for me to conceive, I said a few things not dissimilar to this young lady here.

Mum of 3 here who is very happy with my decision to become a mother. Yes it's hard at times, messy and noisy but also magical, hilarious and rewarding.

I’d never heard of this person until this week. Now her name keeps cropping up. She’s what? Mid 20s? Or whatever the age outspoken famous people are when they think they know everything. In 10 years she’ll be a mother and gushing that it’s the best thing that ever happened to her.

Or she may still be happily childfree. It does happen.

I’m so much unhappier.

Aw bless you. You really believe that don't you?

Why do people on here find it so difficult to understand that people have different opinions? Not wrong or right, just different.

That was my situation as well. My life is different - not better or worse, just different.

I do understand that. Which is why earlier in the thread I said people can choose whichever they want.

But to say people haven't experienced true happiness without having had kids. That's laughable

Everyone is different but I’d be pretty upset if I was one of her pals who had kids to hear how she sees me

It’s an opinion, but if you express it you can expect to be challenged.

Saying you didn't want children was an invitation to be laughed at, endlessly told you'll change your mind, in fact it was just a long round of being told by someone else what you should be.

It's still the case.

DD is 24 and has never liked babies or small, noisy children, ever.

She doesn't want children, yet she gets so irritated by perrennially broody maternal types women who tell her that she will change her mind.

I don't think she will. She has health challenges that aren't compatible with being a parent.

But all of that is coming from a place of ignorance ie you havent had children so cant comment on how much more fulfilling or how much more love you feel when you have a child.

If I couldnt have a child obviously I would go on and enjoy my life and have fabulous experiences and great friends and relationships and love greatly but not in the same life altering, soul changing way. I'm absloutely not saying childless people cant live happy, loving, fulfilled lives but I'm sorry it's not the same as experiencing the love you have for your child or how you feel when they cuddle you or smile at you. I'm also a self proclaimed crazy cat woman and happy with that term.

I have experienced a life without and then with children and its absoloutely not comparable. My life has greater joy and meaning now. Before it was work, hobbies, travel bla bla bla. I had a great life before I travelled to lots of places and had a great career and hobbies and friendships but it's just passing time.

I get that some woman shouldnt have children and are not maternal that's fine and not my issue. However it's when women like this are so negative towards motherhood and pity us for something they've never experienced that I get frustrated. I couldnt care less if you choose to have a baby or not but dont portray motherhood (which you've never experienced) as this lonely, empty, soul-destroying thing that ruins women.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I absolutely adore my kids but god it’s hard at times. I’m currently hiding in my room because ND DS2 is having a meltdown about going out for lunch. I’m sure there’s no joy in my eyes at the moment. But there are so many lovely moments with them every day. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.