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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She doesn’t know any mums that are happy

226 replies

Yousaiditnotme · 29/03/2025 22:28

Did anyone hear/see Chappell Roan’s podcast about not wanting kids?
She was saying how all her friends with kids were just living in hell, how she doesn’t see anyone happy with kids, how there’s no light in their eyes etc.

I thought it was interesting, any thoughts?

OP posts:
BrokenLine · 30/03/2025 14:11

Bababear987 · 30/03/2025 12:52

But all of that is coming from a place of ignorance ie you havent had children so cant comment on how much more fulfilling or how much more love you feel when you have a child.

If I couldnt have a child obviously I would go on and enjoy my life and have fabulous experiences and great friends and relationships and love greatly but not in the same life altering, soul changing way. I'm absloutely not saying childless people cant live happy, loving, fulfilled lives but I'm sorry it's not the same as experiencing the love you have for your child or how you feel when they cuddle you or smile at you. I'm also a self proclaimed crazy cat woman and happy with that term.

I have experienced a life without and then with children and its absoloutely not comparable. My life has greater joy and meaning now. Before it was work, hobbies, travel bla bla bla. I had a great life before I travelled to lots of places and had a great career and hobbies and friendships but it's just passing time.

I get that some woman shouldnt have children and are not maternal that's fine and not my issue. However it's when women like this are so negative towards motherhood and pity us for something they've never experienced that I get frustrated. I couldnt care less if you choose to have a baby or not but dont portray motherhood (which you've never experienced) as this lonely, empty, soul-destroying thing that ruins women.

I had 20 adult years contentedly childfree, and have had 13 as a parent. I adore DS and am delighted I decided to have him, but my life isn’t all that different (obviously, after the intensive baby and small child stage) and I’m approximately as happy as I was before I had him. He’s a fabulous addition to an already good life. Watching him grow up is wonderful, but my life has as much joy and meaning as it had before.

jay55 · 30/03/2025 14:14

I never wanted kids. I don’t need to justify my choices by putting mothers down. I know parenthood is hard, but that it brings joy too.

chapell roan is just as bad as the ‘can’t know love’ crowd.

TheHerboriste · 30/03/2025 14:14

Orangemintcream · 29/03/2025 22:31

I’m sure plenty are. I’m sure plenty are happy while finding it hard too.

I also think - and there have been threads on here about it - that some women wouldn’t make the same choices if they had their time again once they’ve actually lived and realised how difficult it is.

There have also been threads from shell shocked mothers asking when it gets better or if it being this hard is normal. And often the answer is yes it is this hard - people just don’t talk so much about those bits.

Personally no way in hell would I wreck myself and have to deal with a wailing baby day and night. Or an older child come to that. I was never bothered about kids and after reading a bit on here I was absolutely certain about not wanting them.

Same here. No kids, no regrets. I would have been miserable; instead I have a nice life with plenty of money, pampering and travel.

Also am a net contributor taxpayer and give a significant amount to charities.

Balloonney · 30/03/2025 14:14

RampantIvy · 30/03/2025 12:40

Saying you didn't want children was an invitation to be laughed at, endlessly told you'll change your mind, in fact it was just a long round of being told by someone else what you should be.

It's still the case.

DD is 24 and has never liked babies or small, noisy children, ever.

She doesn't want children, yet she gets so irritated by perrennially broody maternal types women who tell her that she will change her mind.

I don't think she will. She has health challenges that aren't compatible with being a parent.

People judge women whatever is the crux of it. If she wanted children people would criticise her because of her health challenges, if she had one people would ask when they were getting a sibling and reeling off about how selfish it is to have an only child, but dare to have a few more and she'd be told it was crazy to want several children.

This is why it's so important that women make the choice that's right for them, because in societies mind nothing is right.

BrokenLine · 30/03/2025 14:20

jay55 · 30/03/2025 14:14

I never wanted kids. I don’t need to justify my choices by putting mothers down. I know parenthood is hard, but that it brings joy too.

chapell roan is just as bad as the ‘can’t know love’ crowd.

That’s fair. Some people appear to genuinely not grasp the distinction.

It’s like all these current threads on here ‘AIBU to emigrate as the UK is in terminal decline?’ followed by endless, often quite mad, detailing of all the ways in which the UK is apparently a total shithole (mostly because of all the ‘foreigners’) — it’s perfectly possible to decide to go and live somewhere else without having to convince yourself that the UK is objectively worse than everywhere else.

Just as it’s perfectly possible to decide to have, or not to have, a child, without needing to convince yourself that the childfree are sad-eyed, lonely materialists, consoling themselves for their lack of ‘meaning’ with holidays and stuff, or that parents are joyless drudges.

RedHelenB · 30/03/2025 14:22

I was happy and I didn't have it easy by mumsnet standards either

owlexpress · 30/03/2025 14:54

BlumminFreezin · 30/03/2025 02:04

Never heard of her.

Comments like that always strike me as someone protesting a bit too much though.

People who are genuinely happy being childfree don't usually emphatically bang on about how horrific and awful and terrible parenthood is ime.

I'd love to know how many (if any) of the previous posters have actually listened to the podcast. I mean the poster I've quoted clearly hasn't as she's allegedly 'never heard of' a pretty huge pop star. I listened this morning after seeing the headlines (because ✨ fake news ✨) and actually the comments come off the back of questions about her friends back home and if they're still in touch now she's famous. She was very nice about her friends but said their lives are very different, most are married with kids. So the host asked if she wants that and she said she didn't know, would she even be allowed to marry (she's a lesbian), and everyone she knows with kids at this age is in hell. At 27 I'd bet most people would rather be partying and rich than raising kids. So she in no way 'protested too much'.

TheHerboriste · 30/03/2025 15:01

TheJollyMoose · 30/03/2025 07:40

She will come to regret it when she realises it’s too late and she’s wasted her life on the wrong things.

Of course she and others like her will protest otherwise, but the realisation will come.

What utter claptrap. I’m nearly 62, happily childfree and zero regrets. My choice is FAR better for the planet and other valuable species, too.

RobertaFirmino · 30/03/2025 15:28

48 and CF. Parenting sounds hideous and looks hideous. To me, that is. So I didn't do it - problem solved. Others don't find it so and their choices are none of my business.

Jackiepumpkinhead · 30/03/2025 16:22

TheJollyMoose · 30/03/2025 07:40

She will come to regret it when she realises it’s too late and she’s wasted her life on the wrong things.

Of course she and others like her will protest otherwise, but the realisation will come.

Ridiculous comment. Have always known I didn’t want children. 45 yo and still happy that I don’t have any. I would never assume parents regret having their children, and parents shouldn’t assume child free people regret not having them.

KimberleyClark · 30/03/2025 16:34

TheJollyMoose · 30/03/2025 07:40

She will come to regret it when she realises it’s too late and she’s wasted her life on the wrong things.

Of course she and others like her will protest otherwise, but the realisation will come.

Who are you to decide what are the right things for other people?. What incredible arrogance.

Fancycheese · 30/03/2025 16:40

Snooze. Her quote was taken out of context. Let women live the lives they want. Also every single thing a famous person says isn’t a personal attack. Who cares?

QueefQueen80s · 30/03/2025 17:19

Sharktoothgirl · 29/03/2025 22:33

Confirmation bias?
She doesn’t want children. So she’s remembering all the negative things she heard or sees from her friends who are parents. And not seeing or hearing about the wonderful parts.

This. Everyone I know loves being a mum. It’s fucking awesome.

Goldenbear · 30/03/2025 17:27

Many great things are hard work the alternative to me would not work. For me, I like to be a bit out of my depth, I don't want to be in what I perceive to be a safe zone of living, it is not exciting and want that excitement.

Pickledpeanuts · 30/03/2025 18:03

She was asked about whether she saw herself married with kids, and answered based on (a) her concern about the likelihood of marriage bring legal for her and (b) her perception based on friends the same age as her currently in the thick of it with very young children. I think her comments have been taken a little out of context so couldn't get too worked up.

I also think humans are prone to confirmation bias, and creating echo chambers within our social groups and that she's welcome to her own opinion so far as she answered for herself.

I'd feel quite sad to be own of those friends in question though!

BrokenLine · 30/03/2025 18:11

Goldenbear · 30/03/2025 17:27

Many great things are hard work the alternative to me would not work. For me, I like to be a bit out of my depth, I don't want to be in what I perceive to be a safe zone of living, it is not exciting and want that excitement.

For some people being a parent would be the ‘safe zone’, and being childfree would be being out of your depth and challenging.

KimberleyClark · 30/03/2025 18:18

BrokenLine · 30/03/2025 18:11

For some people being a parent would be the ‘safe zone’, and being childfree would be being out of your depth and challenging.

Show quote history

This.

fashionqueen0123 · 30/03/2025 18:21

223Sunshine · 30/03/2025 00:03

I have a baby and I have 2 close friends who don't want babies. The problem is I cannot gush about my baby to those particular friends without causing offence. So there is an element of confirmation bias.

Also, yes, I am sleep deprived and in the early days I moaned about. Because it was a shock. But that's what people do, no? We need to talk about the hard times too, so if you have already decided you don't want babies, that's all you will hear.

And you won't understand the pure joy of holding my baby at 2am and his little soft chubby hand touching my face 😍 you'll just hear that I'm tired. But it is literally the best feeling in the world.

If they don’t want kids it shouldn’t offend them. Gush away! It would be different if they wanted children and had fertility problems etc

Goldenbear · 30/03/2025 18:35

BrokenLine · 30/03/2025 18:11

For some people being a parent would be the ‘safe zone’, and being childfree would be being out of your depth and challenging.

Show quote history

Yes, that's why I said for me.

maguiresarah · 30/03/2025 18:37

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BloodyRacket · 30/03/2025 18:47

I think there is research that shows that having kids makes you less happy in general.

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 30/03/2025 18:50

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

There’s plenty of childfree people on mums net.

RampantIvy · 30/03/2025 18:51

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Why not?

faerietales · 30/03/2025 18:53

I personally can't think of anything worse than having children - the noise, the sleep deprivation, the sensory overload, the constant talking and interaction, constantly having to think and worry about another person, the mess, the added workload, the expense - I honestly find it baffling that so many people think it sounds like a fun thing to do with your life.

Every time I see parents with young children, they look harassed and miserable. The children are playing up, the parents look exhausted and stressed and like they would rather be absolutely anywhere else. There's just nothing about parenthood that appeals to me whatsoever.

However, that's me and I'm sure lots of parents are really pleased they made the decisions they did.

latetothefisting · 30/03/2025 18:56

TheJollyMoose · 30/03/2025 07:40

She will come to regret it when she realises it’s too late and she’s wasted her life on the wrong things.

Of course she and others like her will protest otherwise, but the realisation will come.

ah yes, Jane Austen, the Bronte sisters, Rosa Parks, Susan. B. Anthony, Florence Nightingale, Dolly Parton, Oprah Winfrey (just off the top of my head)...who influenced millions, have legacies lasting centuries, improved countless lives via their philanthropy and campaigning....those "wrong things?" and "wasted lives?" 🙄