I don’t want to be responsible for a living thing ever again

[retirementislooming]

Brought up two children who now are adults with good lives. Have had various pets. I’m now 55 and never want any more responsibility for a living being. The peace is lovely . Sat here now with a huge glass of wine and utter silence. Anyone else feel the same?

And it’s not depressing to state the obvious reality - once a mum always a mum. I personally love being a mum - I chose to be a mum - twice. It’s just madness to me that the generalisation of once they’re 18 they’re out the door and you are absolved of all responsibility is nuts.

I don’t think in real life many mums do actually feel like this or enforce this but in previous generations it was more of a thing. Independence was expected at the legal age of “adulthood. In the case of my parents they were expected to start contributing to the household income at 18. So they had to be in employment or…….out on their ears

It was also a time when you could leave school at 14 and get a job without qualifications much more easily. It's not quite so simple now.

Of course it doesn’t happen overnight at 18 🙂

My eldest is 18 and I'm still very much 'parenting' him.
Obviously it's not the same as when he was little, but he still needed help sorting driving lessons for example. He pays a monthly contribution as he is on a full time apprenticeship salary. I still buy all of his food and pay for his phone, he has unlimited access to hot water and we do his laundry with ours.
He's definitely getting eased into adulthood gently and I am happy with that, he's not lazy and is so polite and respectful that I am perfectly happy to carry on as we are.

Abso-fucking-lutely.

My ex was desperate for a dog. Gave in and got one. He left a couple of years ago and refused point blank to take her with him or offer any assistance in looking after her.

My DC’s father left before the second one was born so I’ve raised them by myself. One has just moved out and the other is now 19 and working full time. And what am I doing? Still looking after and walking daily a dog that I never wanted in the first place.

I’ll never ever get another pet.

Totally agree.
Enjoy the blessed peace.

I have never been responsible for a living thing and not sure how I would ever have managed. Too old for that malarkey now anyway - I can just about manage a plant!

Nearly exact same for me...except I have an elderly cat plus 2 elderly parents to contend with!

It's not easy.

After my late husband had his stroke, I told a health professional that I was worried about coping since I was working full time as well as being my mum's carer - she had dementia. (Dad had died by then.)

She was quite scornful: "I'm just the same - I'm working and I have two children!"

I really had to bite my tongue. If you're fortunate enough to have healthy children, it's not the same as looking after two adults who are deteriorating and who need moving and handling. (And yes - life can change in a second for anyone.)

Sending you very best wishes.

@JHound You might have to support an elderly parent or an unwell partner one day and somehow you’ll find the strength, you just do.

My son left home yesterday and for the first time in my adult life (had my first child when I was 18) I have no responsibilities. It's a scary prospect.

I do however have his partner and his 3 cats and a mad Cocker Spaniel staying with me for a bit longer.

Also have my middle aged Cocker but I've decided no more pets after her as I'd like to be free to drop everything and fly to a European city at a days notice. I've never had the freedom to do anything like that.

No it’s the opposite, they are always cuddling more than other types of cat and she’s had many different ones. Loads of health problems though so like you say definitely not easy.

No partner and my parents were fairly young so by the same they need support I will be elderly too!

There is a potential problem then if you are going to be the same age and growing older as your parents do. My DH is roughly the same age as my parents. It was fine when I was 25 and they were healthy 45 year olds. Now I am 52 and they are 72 - 74 and my parents live in Australia (Reader- I do not) it is becoming an issue. Having ageing parents and husband and a 14 year old and 12 year old - one DC who ha SEN and learning difficulties who is unlikely to ever live independently. Well, I do worry about what the future holds for me. It was always an issue I kicked into the long grass but now it's all coming an issue.

That said- I have had alot of love and luck in my life to date. The next 15-20 years are going to be hard- but I will face each day as it comes.

Anyway- I have to ask- JHound- are you a man? Because you talk like you might be- no expectation of ever being a carer for someone, even your parents. Not a criticism- an observation. Because it is usually women who end up carers for family and who factor that in even if only subconsciously.

Mine does love my other cat, but she's also dominant, possessive and territorial. She cuddles up to her when its cold and gives her loads of kisses and grooming, but she would also like to dominate the space, push her out of desired spots, and take all the human attention (in the world). Obviously I do ensure senior girl gets her fair share!

Same here. We have 2 adopted DDs (16 and 13) and DD2 is causing us no end of heartache right now. I long for the day when they have their own lives (though DD1 has SEN and is likely to need support in adulthood).

But I never want to be without cats (I currently have 3 furry friends).

I’m very jealous. I’m 55, got two young adults still living at home (23 and 20) and a 16 y/o and honestly cannot think of anything I’d like more than a little 1 bed flat to myself once they’re all flown. (Eldest is autistic and very resistant to the idea of looking after himself, but I have to downsize in 2 years).

I'm so over looking after others.

Yep I’m with you. We put our beloved 18 year old dog to sleep a few weeks ago, youngest daughter is off travelling. I’m done caring for vulnerable little things now.

No not a man. I don’t expect to be a carer for my parents as there are loads of us and given I have spent years living all over the globe others have pitched in.

When my mom had surgery my brothers looked after her and with my father’s illness my other half siblings assisted.

I am sure I will likely assist when they are very elderly but as I said my parents were late teens when they had me so by the time their age means they need significant I will likely be too old to be of use. I expect my contribution will be to help paying for care.

@JHound Sound like a good plan. Nowadays I do wish that I had a sibling to help out!

I understand your sentiment re pets being a hassle. Children are still a worry when they have left home or are adults, as in you worry about anything happening to them. Pets and children have no similarities to me, if a cat gets run over yes it is sad but I just would get another one!

I'm in a similar situation. In the end, I am only one person and can only do so much. My parents started asking things of me and I had to tell them I was willing to help, but they had to come and live closer to me because I couldn't be flying to them all the time, especially with local responsibilities. They could still be alive when I'm their current age and it's getting harder for them now already.

Lots of on off discussions here re a pet.
I stood firm. My children are too busy to do the grafting involved and I frankly don't want to be the responsible adult that couldn't bear for a pet not to be properly looked after.

So nope not happening. I want to maintain the freedom i have.

They can have a pet when they leave.

@Podgeys1 Even though I’ve turned into a softie, I won’t get another dog after our current one passes on. Recently, DS (16) said that he’s going to get a “big dog” when he has his own house…he has no idea of the responsibility involved!