I don’t want to be responsible for a living thing ever again

[retirementislooming]

Brought up two children who now are adults with good lives. Have had various pets. I’m now 55 and never want any more responsibility for a living being. The peace is lovely . Sat here now with a huge glass of wine and utter silence. Anyone else feel the same?

I have a disabled daughter 28. I will be responsible for her till the day I die. At 62 I worry so much about what will happen to her after I’m gone.
Parents of disabled children never reach that golden stage of no responsibility.

I barely want to be responsible for myself, I am so very tired and I have at least 13 years to go.

Going against the grain, but despite having 2 very young kids and a pet and being almost 40 and absolutely destroyed by sleep deprivation, stress, being needed all the time and wishing some time alone - I also adore them all so so so so much that I'd have more kids and more pets if I could financially afford them and if I was 10 years younger. I can see myself at 50-60 having more pets and fostering kids too (and be tired for the rest of my days 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣).

Solidarity. I did the same last year. I knew it would be good for the kids (both autistic) and for my husband so I sacrificed my own needs for this bloody (admittedly very cute) dog, but FML. Biggest regret ever.

I also got a dog for my child. I didn't expect to care for it that much. However, I love that sweet dog so much I got another, so now have two dogs. I didn't even know I was a dog person.

I have older children still living at home but I'm separated and exH took the dog with him. We always used to have cats but none at the moment. I love being pet free. It's the first time in over 20 years that I can just go somewhere after work or plan a day out without worrying about feeding people and creatures.

My three DC are grown and flown and (I think) they know that if/when they have DC I shall be for fun times and emergencies only, not a nanny. However at 62 I do have two dogs, one just a puppy. Sometimes I think maybe I should take care of just me at last - but in the end, having the company and adoration of these two muppets is the best way of caring for me. We’re all different thank goodness!

My son left home at 19 ( I was 40 ) the first few years was like a weight had lifted, no one to get up for ( except myself obviously) go where I wanted and do what I wanted (work aside of course) no other responsibilities. Lucky enough to get early retirement at 54 and got a dog. Love her like crazy but, damn, the care and attention she needs is massive,I rarely get a break from her, she’s had some health issues which means I feel guilty and rarely, very rarely, leave her with anyone else. This is my life til I’m 70, maybe older. Would I do it again? No I dont think so.

Yes, I think it's my age and post menopause, but I am done caring for and worrying about pets and other humans. Just want freedom to come and go as I please now.
Loved every pet we had, and loved bringing up my children, but time for a new phase of life now.

56 here, and desperate for, but not allowed a dog. Last one died 5 years ago.The joys are worth the responsibilities, for me.
I have a 14yo child. When he flies the nest, I might have to trade in my DP for a dog.

I miss having pets - but I dont even want to take care of a pot plant these days.

Omg - I would never have guessed that I don’t stop being a mum just because my children are 18. There’s always someone hiding, to just point out the bleeding obvious. I was referring to the legal responsibilities believe it or not!

You're the one that said you're totally done with the responsibility as soon as your youngest turns 18. I just think it sounds sad.

I don’t even think it is that good to have a pet as a child tbh especially something that’s likely to bring in fleas, bite you or shit all over the garden that you play in. I know good owners/parents won’t let that happen but there’s people out there bringing up their kids in houses where cats and dogs pee over everything and there’s crap lying all over the place.

You’re never free of your kids though. Legally 18 is when they reach adulthood but let’s be honest, 18 yr olds are not adults. They’re vulnerable teenagers who get themselves into trouble, who may be just finishing college, who don’t have enough money or a stable career yet to sustain themselves and who still need you a hell of a lot, albeit in a different way.

As a parent you never stop worrying. After uni they may come back and then a lot of them spend a good few years at home because they’re trying to find good jobs and save the pennies to try and get a footing on the housing ladder. So I never really understand this notion that people have that when they reach 18, suddenly you’re footloose and fancy free. It doesn’t work like that in reality.

I think a more realistic age at which true adulthood is reached is defined by the point at which they move out of your home into their own place, have a sustainable source of income and hopefully a steady partner - that’s more like 25 - 30.

I have been thinking about this as my lovely old dog is getting older. We can never go away for a weekend as a family because it's often impossible to arrange dog kennels at the last minute. It would be nice to have a bit of spontaneity, but equally it's so lovely having a doggy friend to go for walks etc. I think it would be at least a year as I will be very upset when he dies.

My adult kids are still living with me but it's more like a houseshare. I can go away on my own or with DH without thinking about them. So pretty footloose and fancy free, really.

Wow! My Gran did this, her youngest was born when her oldest was 25! Raised kids from 19 and she was 62 when her youngest turned 18. And by that time the grandkids were numerous! She enjoyed it by all accounts though and it kept her young!

Are you us? Children are now young adults, only one still living at home. We got into the habit of going for weekly weekend walks. Dh and dc wfh, so thought a dog would fit into our lifestyle. I knew they were a tie, but hadn’t actually comprehended that I would be gaining another living, needy personality in the household, with his own quirks and demands (and sleepless nights again).

Yep no dog for me yet although I love them. I need some freedom to go away any day I want to. Round here people need to book kennels before they book a holiday. Would happily dogsit now and then tho.

I think people are fully aware that you never stop being mum, and are happy to support and care for their adult children. It’s just different (for the majority) once they become independent adults, and life becomes less intense as you no longer need to meet every need. Not a difficult distinction to make.

I totally get you OP. I have been responsible for others since I was 23. Now 57 and still have 3 living at home which I love.

However, I think in 3 years they will all be gone, my 15 year old cat will probably have gone too and I will be on my own.

I am not sure how it will feel, but I hope I have your positiveness and enjoy the peace, and wine! I am not sure I will...however when they were all little I looked forward to it so much as at times life was completely overwhelming.

Yes, exactly. What's with all the depressing you never stop being mum posts...

Also, I am not into the " as a parent you never stop worrying". That may be true to an extent, but I don't spend all day worrying about my kids and not doing anything for myself. That way madness lies. I am going away on holiday in May, and I am not going to be obsessing about whether my DS will get a job when he graduates or not, or whether he will get a steady girlfriend or not. I am just going to walk out the door!

That doesn't necessarily happen overnight the day they turn 18 though. My mother did it to me at 17 and it nearly drove me to rock bottom. I can tell you the date and hour to the minute that my parents decided I was on my own as an adult. Fortunately I met someone who helped me onto my feet into adult life or I don't know what would have happened to me.

I have transitioned my own children from school to the adult world of independence more gently and they appreciate it. 18 is so young.

@Lentilweaver

and I am not going to be obsessing about whether my DS will get a job when he graduates or not, or whether he will get a steady girlfriend or not.

I think I outlined these things as solid milestones that one as a parent, hopes to see their child achieve in order to become their best independent selves. I would worry if those milestones weren’t reached or were not in progress. You may not feel that way - that’s ok, everyone is different