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Original poster

To think they telling someone they are shy is rude?

131 replies

notshy · 29/03/2025 21:32

I am and have always been shy. Every single school report I have from nursery onwards mentions it. Growing up I had so many well-meaning teachers try and 'help' me out of my shell. In my adult years I've had so many well-meaning managers try and encourage me to 'have more confidence' or asked me to do things they wouldn't ask my colleagues to do (like run an icebreaker quiz) in hope of it somehow breaking me out of my shell. It is such an inherent part of who I am and it feels so hurtful to be constantly reminded of how my quiet nature is not good enough and I need to try and be different.

I can't explain how upsetting it is when someone calls me shy. I am trying my absolute hardest to be as outgoing as I can and to cope in situations I find difficult and putting on such a front for the benefit of another person/a particular situation and when someone calls me shy it feels like they're saying it's not enough and they can see right through my facade. No matter how hard I try I'm still seen as shy. Today I was at the hairdressers and they mentioned how I was shy. I thought I had been quite chatty... I find it so hurtful and I don't think people realise. I think they think it's just a mindless little comment but it is hurtful.

OP posts:
GenderFluid90 · 29/03/2025 21:40

It's hurtful. I work with an extrovert who is constantly on at me for being too shy. It doesn't affect them so I'm not sure why they're so invested in me.

Be who you are there's nothing wrong with it 😊

rickyrickygrimes · 29/03/2025 21:44

This goes straight to my heart OP. My youngest DS is shy, always has been. And very very quiet in school. DH and I had to speak to him about his school report today, it was bad, not due to shyness per se but more about how he comes across to people - not appearing interested or engaged in class, not answering questions etc. It broke my heart a little when he said he thought he was trying really hard to do all these things but obviously the teachers are not seeing this. I could see he was hurt by it. We try to encourage him but I worry it just makes him feel bad about himself.

its hard being shy, quiet, introvert in such a noisy world.

Riverbananacarrot · 29/03/2025 21:45

I think there is a big difference in being shy and being an introvert.
Can I ask is being shy or being introverted having a negative impact on your job. If this is the case then I understand your manager trying to support you.

Have u spoken to your manager about your feeling. I've someone in my team who isn't shu, just very quiet and introverted and I wouldn't push him out if his comfort zone unless he isn't doing his job in some way.

Sugarfish · 29/03/2025 21:46

Yeah I got this all through school. Teachers trying to get me out of my shell just made me want to crawl further in. All they did was make me fear school and set me back. It was only when I decided I didn’t want to be shy anymore that I started gaining confidence and it was not easy! Very much fake it till you make it for a few years. I’m still not that outgoing. There is nothing wrong with shy or quiet people, a lot it people are too loud anyway!

The saying I hate the most and makes me want to punch the person saying it is “it’s always the quiet ones you have to watch!” Just fuck off!!!

GenderFluid90 · 29/03/2025 21:51

No one ever tells extroverts to hush up 🤣

Katemax82 · 29/03/2025 21:54

My daughter, like me is very shy. It's the only thing people seem to notice about her at school. It was the same with me, really pissed me off! Even when being prepped for my c section last month they commented I was "quiet" ( I was terrified)

PsychoHotSauce · 29/03/2025 21:54

I am definitely not shy, but I've always thought it's a rude thing to say to people. It's not even dressed up like a back handed compliment either, just openly said as a negative trait. You wouldn't go around saying "you're so loud and in your face" so why is the reverse OK?

I can imagine the worst part is, your personality means you don't feel able to say anything back - it sort of makes you even more 'shy' about being shy and makes everything worse Sad but you don't have to change yourself to suit the loudmouths around you. I guess you could play up to it a bit and say nothing at all when a comment is made (pretending you're too shy to even respond), make the atmosphere briefly awkward, and eventually they'll get bored and move onto someone else.

BrokenLine · 29/03/2025 21:57

Riverbananacarrot · 29/03/2025 21:45

I think there is a big difference in being shy and being an introvert.
Can I ask is being shy or being introverted having a negative impact on your job. If this is the case then I understand your manager trying to support you.

Have u spoken to your manager about your feeling. I've someone in my team who isn't shu, just very quiet and introverted and I wouldn't push him out if his comfort zone unless he isn't doing his job in some way.

Yes, shy and introvert are not in anyway the same.

User415373 · 29/03/2025 22:00

Yes. My daughter is only 3 and people are already calling her shy and commenting on how quiet she is. It annoys me so much and she's started calling herself shy because others do it.

lalaloopyhead · 29/03/2025 22:05

I agree. It's annoying that being shy and or quiet is seen as being a negative trait. I have been called both of these things by people that I would consider a loud gobshite...but apparently that is a more desirable personality.

orangewasp · 29/03/2025 22:10

lalaloopyhead · 29/03/2025 22:05

I agree. It's annoying that being shy and or quiet is seen as being a negative trait. I have been called both of these things by people that I would consider a loud gobshite...but apparently that is a more desirable personality.

Totally agree with this. Being quiet or reserved isn't a personality failure - it's not us causing upsets and dramas!

Edenmum2 · 29/03/2025 22:12

I absolutely hate it when my DD3 doesn’t immediately respond to adult strangers and they go straight to ‘awww are you a bit shy’? - I’m probably being massively unreasonable but it does make me grit my teeth, i just find it really patronising.

I’m always tempted to say ‘she’s not shy - she just doesn’t want to talk to you’…..maybe I will one day!!

WhyDoesItAlways · 29/03/2025 22:14

GenderFluid90 · 29/03/2025 21:51

No one ever tells extroverts to hush up 🤣

I really want to but I'm not rude too shy Grin.

Namechangean · 29/03/2025 22:15

You’re completely right. There’s a weird status quo where everyone assumes that because some people are naturally outgoing and social that should be the norm and naturally introverted people should be the ones to make fundamental personality changes!

I hate being called shy too and sometimes when my manager says oh Heretobenosy is just shy to be extrovert DW, I feel like raising it with her and tell her ‘I’m not shy, I just don’t care. I don’t want to socialise and make small talk with the team, I just want to do my work and get paid. Don’t mistake my ambivalence for shyness!’ I make the effort and go to some social activities outside of work but my team are constantly having ‘shared lunches’ sorry I don’t get paid for my hour lunch and I none of your kitchens have food hygiene ratings so I’ll pass thanks! But I’m not a rude to people’s faces (Just in my head lol) so people think I’m shy!

ToooBig · 29/03/2025 22:15

You have two options ...

  1. Keep feeling hurt every time someone says it.

Or

  1. Let it go. Whenever someone mentions it in future just think to yourself 'yeah I am and that's ok, so what?' and move on.

Why keep being bothered by it? It's who you are, so just accept it and that other people comment on it. It is what it is. Stop being bothered by it...

RampantIvy · 29/03/2025 22:21

GenderFluid90 · 29/03/2025 21:51

No one ever tells extroverts to hush up 🤣

They do on here. All the time.

There are a lot of extrovert vs introvert threads on MN, and in most cases posters misinterpret the real meaning of both.

The "introverts" hate people and the "extroverts" are loud snd brash. Neither of which are correct descriptions of what it means to be introvert or extrovert.

TillyandFlorence · 29/03/2025 22:23

I too was called shy or quiet throughout my life so I know how you feel. It was always phrased as a bad thing - never with any appreciation that it might come strengths. I definitely internalised it as a flaw. Finding out I was autistic was a turning point for me as I finally understood the 'why'.

The world needs all sorts of people and being shy or quiet isn't a failing.

GenderFluid90 · 29/03/2025 22:24

RampantIvy · 29/03/2025 22:21

They do on here. All the time.

There are a lot of extrovert vs introvert threads on MN, and in most cases posters misinterpret the real meaning of both.

The "introverts" hate people and the "extroverts" are loud snd brash. Neither of which are correct descriptions of what it means to be introvert or extrovert.

Show quote history

I have no idea what I am. I'm ok speaking at work, but don't share much about my life. And I struggle when people talk too much at me. Makes me want to hide away in the quiet.

GenderFluid90 · 29/03/2025 22:25

WhyDoesItAlways · 29/03/2025 22:14

I really want to but I'm not rude too shy Grin.

Show quote history

I tend to just make excuse and leave the conversation 😅

Wobblysausage · 29/03/2025 22:30

It’s always used negatively as well like we’re abnormal. Imagine if we told loud people they were too loud and needed to stop talking in the way they tell us we’re too quiet and needed to talk more. They’d find it rude.

I'm autistic and often go non verbal when I feel overwhelmed or when I don’t like someone. I used to mask it and really try to join in conversations to appear normal and be accepted but now I don’t give a shit and I just sit in silence or I just walk away. They were never going to like me anyway so why bother.

RampantIvy · 29/03/2025 22:32

One of our team members is very, very quiet. A couple of workmates tried to encourage her to feel more comfortable with us by talking to her but just got monosyllabic answers back.

Everyone just ignores her at work now because she never talks. She never says anything in Teams meetings other than yes or no if asked a direct question.

I don't think she is just a shy introvert because even shy introverts are quite happy to have a conversation now and then.

@Wobblysausage we have a very loud person in our office who always shouts when he is on the phone. It is very distracting and I am so tempted to ask him to stop shouting.

couchparsnip · 29/03/2025 22:36

One of my extravert friends would say "sorry she's shy" if I was being quiet in the pub. I don't go out with her any more. I obviously made her uncomfortable and she felt the need to apologize for me. I imagine it would make her feel good but it made me feel 10 times worse.

She was a bit of a narcissist to be honest. I obviously didn't play the friend role she had assigned me properly. Not my friend any more.

Screamingabdabz · 29/03/2025 22:40

I think there is a misunderstanding that everyone else in the world is supremely confident and ‘loud gobshites’ and that shy and quiet people are somehow more sensitive and more cerebral and more special.

That’s why there are always sneering and pass agg comments on these threads about ‘empty vessels’ and loud ‘shrieking’ ‘braying’ extroverts. Whenever ‘shy’ people start threads like these you could write the bingo card of insults.

The reality is that many people fear speaking publicly and even the most confident looking people are often insecure and anxious about small talk, meetings, presentations and new situations. Unfortunately the world runs on communication and if we all sat opting out in the corner then fuck all would get done.

That’s why shyness is commented on in public. It’s a societal nudge in the same way that queue jumpers and inconsiderate parking is commented on. It’s a cop out. It’s being unfair. It’s sitting in silent judgement of the ‘loud’ ones and thinking yourself special whilst contributing nothing.

Obvnotthegolden · 29/03/2025 22:41

Have you read Quiet by Susan Cain? It talks about introverts and I know being shy, quiet or introvert aren't necessarily the same thing but it is very validating for all of the above!

Namechangean · 29/03/2025 22:45

Screamingabdabz · 29/03/2025 22:40

I think there is a misunderstanding that everyone else in the world is supremely confident and ‘loud gobshites’ and that shy and quiet people are somehow more sensitive and more cerebral and more special.

That’s why there are always sneering and pass agg comments on these threads about ‘empty vessels’ and loud ‘shrieking’ ‘braying’ extroverts. Whenever ‘shy’ people start threads like these you could write the bingo card of insults.

The reality is that many people fear speaking publicly and even the most confident looking people are often insecure and anxious about small talk, meetings, presentations and new situations. Unfortunately the world runs on communication and if we all sat opting out in the corner then fuck all would get done.

That’s why shyness is commented on in public. It’s a societal nudge in the same way that queue jumpers and inconsiderate parking is commented on. It’s a cop out. It’s being unfair. It’s sitting in silent judgement of the ‘loud’ ones and thinking yourself special whilst contributing nothing.

Or it’s just different people living their lives in a way that they’re comfortable. Being naturally quiet is not opting out and it certainly isn’t some attempt at taking a moral high ground or something that should be reprimanded like queue jumping.

Your views seem a bit bizarre and like you’re taking it personally that some people are quiet and are pointing out that being naturally loud and outgoing shouldn’t be the bar everyone is compared to.