To think they telling someone they are shy is rude?

[notshy]

I am and have always been shy. Every single school report I have from nursery onwards mentions it. Growing up I had so many well-meaning teachers try and 'help' me out of my shell. In my adult years I've had so many well-meaning managers try and encourage me to 'have more confidence' or asked me to do things they wouldn't ask my colleagues to do (like run an icebreaker quiz) in hope of it somehow breaking me out of my shell. It is such an inherent part of who I am and it feels so hurtful to be constantly reminded of how my quiet nature is not good enough and I need to try and be different.

I can't explain how upsetting it is when someone calls me shy. I am trying my absolute hardest to be as outgoing as I can and to cope in situations I find difficult and putting on such a front for the benefit of another person/a particular situation and when someone calls me shy it feels like they're saying it's not enough and they can see right through my facade. No matter how hard I try I'm still seen as shy. Today I was at the hairdressers and they mentioned how I was shy. I thought I had been quite chatty... I find it so hurtful and I don't think people realise. I think they think it's just a mindless little comment but it is hurtful.

“nervous or timid in the company of other people.”

A definition of shy grabbed off Google, nervousness is a negative emotion, who wants to feel nervous around the company of other people? I certainly don’t want my children to feel that way.

Being quiet, reserved, introverted etc is not a negative thing, but feeling shy is. That’s why it’s not valued, and that’s why it’s rude to call people shy. If it wasn’t a negative thing, why would it be deemed rude to call someone it?

We will have to agree to disagree here.

Interesting. It can have far reaching consequences when people tell us who we are. We start to believe them and then that mindset becomes very hard to undo.

Agreed. It’s not a positive or even a neutral thing. It’s an inhibition, something that potentially hampers a person’s social and/or professional life.

op, you mentioned feedback from managers.

i do think that people should choose jobs which to some extent match their personalities.

if you are shy and hate talking to people you don’t know then if you choose to go into sales you probably are going to get a lot if feedback that you need to talk more and be less shy.

because the job depends on making connections with people and persuading them to buy your product.

equally, if you don’t like talking to people and are quiet it’s a good idea to (try to) choose a job where this isn’t a key skill - although most jobs involve some level of having to talk to people.

i have social anxiety and some people did call my shy when I was younger. It does hold you back, I really struggled to communicate with adults and with colleagues at work.

This is a bit of a jump. You are assuming they don't interact and respond. I have social anxiety and have struggled with this my whole life. But I always respond when I'm spoken to, and actually, I can be a very chatty person (and overtalk) when I get comfortable with someone. It's almost like I'm so self-conscious of being shy and not wanting to seem boring, that I then talk too much. In groups, I will stay quiet, but one to one, I'm more of an open book. In my appraisals at work, I'm always told I get on well with people and I make them feel relaxed. Even though I'm quiet, nobody has ever told me I'm rude. Rude to assume that really.

Absolutely agree. We need to get away from this idea that extrovert means loud or unthinking, just as introvert, quiet and shy are all different things. I've met some talkative and obnoxious introverts, as well as shy extroverts! And the majority of extroverts I know wouldn't dream of belittling quiet people with bitchy comments.

Shy extrovert is an oxymoron. It doesn’t make sense. An extrovert absolutely doesn’t have to be unthinking or loud, but they won’t be shy, otherwise they wouldn’t be extroverts.

Yes. People really need to leave others alone and accept them for who they are, and definitely stop whingeing and complaining that others are different. It's just an adult form of bullying. I thought we were in a World of accepting diversity, if not celebrating it these days? Or is it only acceptable and congratulated when it's about people being gay, disabled or ethnic? How about we apply the same inclusivity for character traits too?? Or is that too much to ask. What I don't get is that it makes no difference to the extroverts if someone is more introverted or shy.

Maybe there are different sorts of shyness? I've known one or two people who I would say are extroverts, people who are happiest in others' company and recharge by being with them, but for different reasons, eg previous bad experiences/ bullying) prevents them interacting with others as much as they'd like? (Not helped by others pointing out their shyness!!) I suppose that's a temporary feeling in a lot of their cases though, rather than being naturally shy?

I was going to agree with you but then I remember about the fact that some people who are extroverted actually can have problems doing some very basic things that shy people could do- like making a telephone call, going somewhere like a cafe on their own. So it's like they are extroverted in general and outwardly but also display characteristics of shyness.

Yes it is rude, because it is meant as a criticism not a compliment.

Would you say to someone the opposite?
"You really are too much"...also rude.

I heard a mother reply with that when another mother said it about her child. "I'd rather she be thought of as shy, than too much".

I nearly burst out laughing at the mothers face as she tried to figure out was it a dig?🤔🤣

I think this is the issue - it actually totally does make a difference to others if someone is shy or introverted. It means the other person has to be the one making all the conversation and doing all the hard work to keep it going.
A silent meal or drink out, for example, would not be alot of fun. A totally silent workplace would also not be a productive or welcoming place to be. If we all decided not to talk or initiate conversations (based on shyness), the world would be a very isolating place. So it massively does impact others.

@Dukekaboom see, this is assuming again. I am shy, and an introvert, struggle with social anxiety. But I still start conversations (I actually don't like awkward silences.. part of my social anxiety i guess!?) And I take part in workplace banter (usually one to one.. much quieter in a group). There's been many a time it's gone quiet after I've said something and I think to myself 'did I say too much?', so quiet/shy doesn't mean mute. So you can stop feeling bitter (this is how you're coming across anyway).

As a child I was taught that being shy was a form of arrogance - why would anybody be thinking about you at all? I was also taught that keeping the conversation going was kind of a duty, and that it was rude to opt out of it.
I am naturally introverted so I always found this difficult. I also have a huge fear of oversharing - God knows why, but I feel icky if I think I have shared something in any way personal.So I have now learned the art of keeping conversations going but keeping myself out of them.

People tell me to shut up! Mostly my introverted friend - she says I just ‘noise’. I didn’t get upset but was a bit annoyed .

I was giving example of how being shy (which might, for example, manifest itself by not initiating conversations) does impact others. Nothing you have said changes the fact that being shy does affect others.

It's interesting that you class yourself as shy and introverted but are very quick and comfortable to label someone as bitter in order to insult them because they have a different view to you. I can only guess you aren't as timid when on an anonymous forum as you are in real life.

DH is quiet and introverted. TBH he does come across as rather aloof, and a lot of people think he doesn't like them.

However, shy he isn't. He is just quiet and happy to let other people do the talking.

This annoyed me too. When people said this about my kids in front of them I would always reply, ‘No, he’s just taking time to check you out. That’s very sensible.’

I think this is a cultural judgement. I understand that in some other cultures ( maybe Finland?) being quiet is seen as a mark you a good listener.

I have been called both of these things by people that I would consider a loud gobshite...but apparently that is a more desirable personality.

Well, no. It isn't. It's funny how only the self proclaimed "introverts" think that being loud is desirable. I dislike people being loud, yet I wouldn't describe myself as an introvert. I am happy and chatty in company, but I am never loud.

Introvert / extrovert doesn't necessarily have anything to do with being shy / quiet, from what I've read.

What do you do when you feel drained, fatigued, out of sorts? If you are an introvert, you'll retreat and need time alone to recharge your batteries. If you are an extrovert, you'll seek out company because it picks you up and gives you energy back.

i'm a total extrovert: the time I spend in company with others (hanging out with family, chatting with colleagues, etc) gets me through the times when I need to be alone - like to focus on complicated work or admin stuff. My best friend is a total introvert: she needs time alone to get her ready for the social interaction that she needs and wants to do - working in a team, social events with friends, time with family. She's not remotely shy or quiet btw: she's one of the most assertive people I know 😂

When we hang out together, it's great - but she's always the first to say goodbye, and I know she'll head home and shut the door on the world with a sigh of relief. Whereas I'll go home and be happy to bump into another friend on the way, or to chat to DH and DC when I get in.

copied and pasted from google search for shy. Not sure what should come after the sentence in bold.

Is shy positive or negative?

Shyness has generally been investigated as a negative and unpleasant emotional state, strongly related to social anxiety and loneliness. However, recent evidence has suggested that shyness may have a positive and socially adaptive form

People make bad assumptions, like:

Reserved = shy = introvert.
Chatty = confident = extrovert.

And then apply weird value to them:

Confident = good (but not too confident, which is bad).

So they presume that reserved = not confident (and therefore bad).

Humans are stupid like that.

I speak as a chatty, confident, introvert. I try my damndest not to bring unwilling reserved people "out of their shell" 😀 sometimes I wish I were more reserved as I'd surely say fewer regrettable things.

I was called shy and too quiet when I was younger by both school and parents as if it was a negative trait. The label has stuck and it’s part of who I am now. I’ve always lacked confidence and feel not good enough.

I have massive social anxiety and absolutely hate being with a large group of people. If a lot of people are talking, I just can’t hear and can’t process information. I get a huge urge to just run away; my heart rate goes up and I start to panic.
At work conferences, I spend a lot of time hiding in the loo! On one on one situations I tend to babble to fill awkward silences.