To think they telling someone they are shy is rude?

[notshy]

I am and have always been shy. Every single school report I have from nursery onwards mentions it. Growing up I had so many well-meaning teachers try and 'help' me out of my shell. In my adult years I've had so many well-meaning managers try and encourage me to 'have more confidence' or asked me to do things they wouldn't ask my colleagues to do (like run an icebreaker quiz) in hope of it somehow breaking me out of my shell. It is such an inherent part of who I am and it feels so hurtful to be constantly reminded of how my quiet nature is not good enough and I need to try and be different.

I can't explain how upsetting it is when someone calls me shy. I am trying my absolute hardest to be as outgoing as I can and to cope in situations I find difficult and putting on such a front for the benefit of another person/a particular situation and when someone calls me shy it feels like they're saying it's not enough and they can see right through my facade. No matter how hard I try I'm still seen as shy. Today I was at the hairdressers and they mentioned how I was shy. I thought I had been quite chatty... I find it so hurtful and I don't think people realise. I think they think it's just a mindless little comment but it is hurtful.

I try my damndest not to bring unwilling reserved people "out of their shell"

I think the key is knowing whether a quiet person is too shy to strike up a conversation but would really like to have someone to talk to or whether they just don't want to engage with anyone at all.

I find that if I start a conversation with a quiet person and we end up having a conversation then that is fine. If I get monosyllabic answers I leave them alone, and that is also fine.

It's all about knowing your audience.

Yeah she shouldn't say you just noise that's rude!

Wow yes this should be discussed All the time my daughter was at school teachers would say how quiet she was as though it showed low self esteem some people are naturally quiet Then in work places your seen as someone inadequate and likely bullied it's so easy to bully the quiet one

I was underestimated all through school due to being quiet/shy. I remember in a maths end of year exam at secondary school I was given the easiest papers to do, I did so well I was given the harder papers to do - then I did so well in those i was asked to do the extension paper!
People make all sorts of incorrect judgements about quiet/shy people. That's what I find rude and annoying. I'm happy being called shy, just don't assume it also means I'm X, Y and Z too.

Surely you need to take responsibility for at least part of this? By not speaking up, and saying ‘I can do the more difficult papers’, you allowed yourself to be under-estimated.

I would also recommend this book. I have been quiet my whole life and am happy this way, but I still found her book very validating.

So you want the shy person to feel pressured and uncomfortable because otherwise the extroverted person may feel pressured and uncomfortable! Proves my point really!

I got the same at parent's evenings. I was "quiet" in class in that I'd not shout out answers and be continually asking questions, but I did what I was asked, I'd answer questions when directly asked, and I'd ask if there was something I didn't understand, etc. I certainly wasn't "mute" but nor was I "gobby".

But so many teachers at parents evenings would spend the 5 minutes telling my parents I was too quiet and had to speak up more. Time wasted that they could have been spending discussing my actual work, marks, etc.

I'd hoped that teachers would have been more aware of different personalities these days, but we had the same at my son's parents evenings. He went through secondary in the top 5 of virtually every class, never once missed a homework, etc., yet it was the same bloody stupidity at parent's evenings. "Yes, he's doing really well, but ,,,,,,,,,". By this time, I was a lot more bolshy and challenged some of the teachers who said it, I asked them exactly how he could have improved on his 95% in the end of year tests by being louder? When challenged, they couldn't actually answer, and all admitted that he'd always answer questions when asked, and worked well enough in groups etc. I do wonder how he'd have got better than four A*s at A level by being more gobby! He also went on to get a First degree in Maths at a top 10 Uni, and got a really good job at one of the UKs biggest insurance firms, and after just 18 months there, has got a promotion. Funny how his internal appraisals at his Blue Chip employer never complain that he's shy and too quiet!!

Actually it is really a complete no no to say in front of children about them.

Children that are labelled as shy, become shyer.
Those that are encouraged towards mingling, looking people in the eye, making an effort to play and gently encouraged can gain dxtra confidence.

There is no way I would allow that to stand. I would firmly contradict it and make it very clear I thought it very rude to speak about a child like that in front of them.

But it's ok for the extrovert to feel pressured and uncomfortable, so long as the introvert doesn't?!

The point is both impact both. So everyone needs to be aware and conscious of that.
And this is why its completely untrue (and comes across as incredibly selfish) to say that being an introvert/shy doesn't make a difference to others. It makes a huge difference.

Yes I read Susan Cain’s book too and it opened my eyes to a lot about myself. I wish it had been available when I was 10!

I was also looking at some old school stuff of my son’s and it was full of the words ‘quiet’ ‘shy’ and needs to speak up more.
He has turned into a very confident young man though and I never labelled him as shy as a child. Just explained that some people are different than others.

If any teachers are reading this PLEASE stop calling pupils shy or “too quiet” and read the Susan Cain book.

That’s brilliant about your son. Same experience here.

Some of us do!

"It is such an inherent part of who I am and it feels so hurtful to be constantly reminded of how my quiet nature is not good enough and I need to try and be different."
I think you may be misreading. I doubt that others think you being quiet is "not good enough". I suspect that they may be concerned that you could be missing out, a very different thing.

So why don't extroverts care that shy/introverted people feel exhausted and stressed when they're around extroverts who are constantly chatting etc?

It really does work both ways. Perhaps both kinds of people need to move slightly more towards a middle ground.

But it seems that you're convinced you're right and that it's the shy person who should be more like you. How about you being more like the shy person??

IMO There is nothing wrong with being quiet as long as you can speak up when you need to. Chief in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest always springs to my mind.

@BurntBroccoli and @taxguru what helped your dc with growing int confident you people?

No idea why you think I am not a shy person. Never good to make assumptions!

A shy person is able to recognise that being shy can impact on others and also be detrimental to their own careers/schooling etc (as others have themselves said).

My sister (a psychiatrist) always told me my DD had social anxiety and I should do something about it (without telling me what).
Sure she’s nervous if she has to stand up and talk in front of people (who isn’t) and may find entering a room full of strangers a bit intimidating, but she’s an introvert and doesn’t really care about people. She has realised she needs to ‘make nice’ on occasion to get what she wants, but does not feel the need to be all smiles.
If a kids is happy and progressing what does it matter if they don’t talk much? She’s at uni now and has several positions of responsibility.
If they feel intimidated and anxious to the point of them freezing/not producing that’s a different issue.

Mum had this, I had this, my daughter has it at school. I shut down a teacher at a parents evening recently because she said DD doesn’t want to discuss the topics in the class. I admit, doing English Literature, discussion is part of the course but it’s not an area DD is strong on and I think that’s fine. She’s turning in good work and shows understanding of the texts. This teacher is the classic, “I never hear from Little Penney” and I say, ok. The teacher tries to get me to care like she does but I really don’t. I say to her this is where our education system fails children who do not have the right personality.

We are shy but we don’t need it to be pointed out to us. It’s rude. Being shy isn’t a deficit, it’s a personality type. I have nothing against loud people, though I can’t spend too long in their company before needing an excuse to go home. I don’t need mending. There’s nothing wrong with me or anyone who I love that happens to be shy.

As an extrovert, I can confirm, yes they do. I get told to be quiet all the time 😂

It's not about being an extrovert/introvert. Even though everyone on MN loves to put people neatly into one of the two camps.

Yes in a work context being "shy" causes issues. Too nervous/insecure to give a presentation, speak to people from other companies/departments, won't speak up in meetings or give an opinion, won't ask questions of managers/colleagues. Can come across as rude and standoffish.

Recently I bumped into one of DS's nursery teachers. He's now 18, so it's been a while! She asked me if he's "come out of his shell now? Coz he was shy." 🙄

I'm an introvert and I work in a school; a loud, busy environment. At my break times I (along with others) like to sit quietly in the staffroom and regain energy. Without fail, someone will crash through the door and bellow the door and bellow that "it's like a morgue in here!" Double 🙄🙄

Very quiet people and very loud people are both annoying. Try and show some interest in your colleagues and listen to them properly too. Don’t be rude to everybody either to rabbit on, or to sit in silence.

Yes it is rude, as most shy people are uncomfortably aware that they are shy and don’t need it pointing out, it is undermining. I really dislike the concept that shy people are ‘arrogant’ thinking that others are thinking about them. The self-consciousness and anxiety isn’t voluntary.

I’m in my 50s, and was pretty much mute as a child, from both shyness and modelling my parents, who are from a quiet culture. Over the years I’ve had countless people call me shy, though less so, the older I get. I still find it a struggle not to be self-conscious, but am always careful to hold up my end of the social bargain by chatting at work, to friends, at social events etc. I just don’t go out of my way to speak to strangers if I don’t need to, in the way I see my extrovert friends do.