To think they telling someone they are shy is rude?

[notshy]

I am and have always been shy. Every single school report I have from nursery onwards mentions it. Growing up I had so many well-meaning teachers try and 'help' me out of my shell. In my adult years I've had so many well-meaning managers try and encourage me to 'have more confidence' or asked me to do things they wouldn't ask my colleagues to do (like run an icebreaker quiz) in hope of it somehow breaking me out of my shell. It is such an inherent part of who I am and it feels so hurtful to be constantly reminded of how my quiet nature is not good enough and I need to try and be different.

I can't explain how upsetting it is when someone calls me shy. I am trying my absolute hardest to be as outgoing as I can and to cope in situations I find difficult and putting on such a front for the benefit of another person/a particular situation and when someone calls me shy it feels like they're saying it's not enough and they can see right through my facade. No matter how hard I try I'm still seen as shy. Today I was at the hairdressers and they mentioned how I was shy. I thought I had been quite chatty... I find it so hurtful and I don't think people realise. I think they think it's just a mindless little comment but it is hurtful.

This annoys me too.

I’m an introvert. I was well into my 30s when I realised I’m not shy, I’m an introvert and that is absolutely fine. I’m a teacher. My pupils would never ever describe me as shy. Because I’m not! In fact I was telling one class the other day how hard I’d found speaking to groups as a teenager. They couldn’t believe it.

The only time I’ve ever been “that parent” was when dd2’s school report included lines and lines about how shy she was. She was 9 at the time and I went mad. I pointed out that being introverted - not fucking shy - wasn’t a problem. She’s at secondary now and thriving because she’s not deemed shy. Sure, they’d like her to have more confidence in her abilities but they aren’t hard of thinking like her terrible, terrible Year 4 teacher who wrote off any academic success due to “shyness”.

Had this all through school and college. I hate how the louder and more obnoxious you are, the more confident you supposedly are. Quiet confidence is a thing and shy people bring so many positive, yet overlooked, values to society. We are truly a balance and an offset and an oasis of calm in the western world where people are actually taught to shout their way through life from a very young age.

And yet, look at you equating ‘loud’ with ‘obnoxious’.

I can only speak for myself, but I can say, hand on heart, my being quiet is certainly not due to me thinking I'm sensitive, cerebral or special. Very far from it. And if I'm being perhaps quieter than others in a work or social setting, it's because I'm just doing what feels natural to me. Focusing on what I am doing. Listening to other people's stories and enjoying them and chipping in when I am comfortable. I am absolutely NOT sitting in silent judgement of others. I have never done this. The only time I might judge others is if they decide to point out my relative quietness in a rude way. Some people are just naturally quiet, nothing to do with thinking they're special whatsoever. People should just be allowed to be who they are without getting judged and receiving snide comments for it.

If someone tells ypu that you are quiet, say it is better than being a loud mouth, and STARE at them. They won't comment on your shyness again. It seems people can give it but they can't take it!!!!

I think it's rude. It's no different from pointing out that someone has a big nose or a bald head.
I'm convinced that some people think it's a choice. Of course it's not.
I'm not shy but I am quiet and I have had people try to "bring me out", which is patronising.

Why does being introverted or shy or quiet have to be seen as a negative thing?

That being loud and extrovert is the optimum.

Drives me crazy.

We're all different, no one personality is the best or correct.

It is rude. I remember at school being told 'you're too quiet to be a teacher' when asked what I wanted to do. Also at work in my first job someone called me a hermit (because I didn't want to come into the kitchen with everyone else that particular day, I often felt it overwhelming). Comments like this, and more, made me feel like I was abnormal.

Since then I've discovered I'm an introvert and there is nothing wrong with that.

I’ve had this all my life and have always found it rude. Like others have said, people wouldn’t go around saying “you’re so loud” to extroverts! I used to hate being told to come “out of my shell” or people saying “it’s always the quiet ones” 🙄

It is not a bad thing! It is a strength to be observant and think about what you may say before you say it.

I was labelled shy by my parents and relatives so it really made me feel there was something wrong with me. Some relatives were shocked/surprised and how talkative and confident I appeared at a family function because as a kid, I could barely look or speak at them from feeling shy.

I am against people using it as though it is a negative trait for kids. It’s good to be cautious and not trust anyone right away by talking their ear off.

These days I’m somewhere between an introvert and extrovert.

I think it's a massive misunderstanding like people thinking being shy is the same as being introvert when they are different things is because you hear many people say they were shy when they were young, but slowly came out of their shells when they became older. I think they mean they lacked the skills to be able to speak up but it was a skill issue, rather than a personality trait .

So they learnt that skill and hey presto, they aren't shy anymore and assume it something you can overcome.
They were just never shy to begin with.

The thing is being quiet as an adult can come across as rude, whether you mean it to or not.
It’s just social skills. You don’t need to go to the other extreme and be “a loudmouth” just interact and respond to others. It’s going to be an issue in life.

https://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts?language=en

Yet on multiple threads on mumsnet the quieter posters often do point out that extroverts are loud, empty vessels.

@Screamingabdabz is absolutely correct with her observations, which have already been borne out by several subsequent posts on this thread.

I would describe myself as a quiet extrovert in that I feel energised from being with people, but I am not loud. DH is an introvert, but not shy or quiet. He just prefers to spend more time on his own or just with me.

I don't like loud people, but I like spending time with people.

Second recommendation for Susan Cain's 'Quiet'. I've had a lifetime of being told I am too shy, too quiet and need to 'come out of my shell' (hate this phrase, there is nothing hiding in the shell, this is just my personality). I found this book very validating. It is no more or less valuable to be quiet or loud, introverted or extroverted, shy or confident. We're all just different and have various important ways to contribute to society that don't involve us forcing ourselves into a one-fits-all approach. I am a deeply reflective problem solver. I might not talk much in meetings or group settings because I'm processing, taking in information and listening but you can guarantee I'll go away and have a good think and come back with some great ideas. It's not a lack of engagement or opting out it's just a different way of being and that's okay.

Next time someone mentions that you are shy I would be tempted to say ‘why are you so loud’.
Im old now so I’m not bothered about being rude to people who are rude to me.

Being shy and being an introvert are not the same thing. They r being confused on this thread.

Being an introvert is a personality which tends towards being quieter, listening, introspection, pondering etc... but the person is not anxious, doesn't lack confidence, can contribute to conversations, and may well have very good social skills etc... they just prefer to listen more than talk.

Being shy is more of an anxiety.. A lack of confidence to speak up, a tendency to hide away, a general fearfulness of being seen and heard.and an unsureness in social situations.

If you are shy then you might want to get some help and support around confidence and reducing your anxiety.

If you are introvert then maybe just ensure you are not tending to being too quiet in meetings and do try to contribute your ideas a bit more as people would no doubt like to hear them.

I can understand it being hurtful but it sometimes does come across as rude or if you are ignoring people.

I honestly think some public speaking or drama classes could go a long way.

extroverts can’t be always expected to carry the conversation or energy of a group of people.

I sometimes wish they would!

My experiences have been similar to other PP. I’m an introvert, and need time to think and process before I respond. I’ve been in so many work meetings that have been dominated by a few people. It has left me, at times feeling negatively about myself, as if I’ve not got anything to offer. I learnt more about introverts and I no longer see it as a weakness, but I still regularly see social and work situations that play to the strengths of extroverts.
I did get very frustrated through my DS’s school career (secondary) where all the parent evening feedback was positive, and then the teachers would say ‘the only negative is he needs to speak up more in class’. It wasn’t until year 12 a teacher said similar, followed by ‘but it’s not really a negative. I didn’t really say much in school either and it didn’t do me any harm’.
And I, too, hate ‘it’s always the quiet ones’ and similar.
For me it comes down to us all being different and the whole world being more accepting of this.

Telling someone they’re shy is a really shit thing to do.

They either are, in which case having their own anxiety and awkwardness highlighted to them is going to make them feel crap. Or they aren’t, and having reserve / quietness taken for timidity likely to be offensive.

I was a shy and introvert child who grew into a non-shy, still-introvert adult. I remember being told I was shy as a teenager / in early 20s was dreadful as I was growing in social confidence and it absolutely knocks it when you think you’re doing well and someone effectively rates your performance.

Yeah- no-one ever tells an extrovert they need to go back in their shell

The worst thing is when people say - i used to be shy when i was younger but grew out of it. They might have been shy when younger compared to now but you can bet they werent actually shy. They weren't the shy one of the class for example. Big difference between gaining more confidence as you get older and actually being a shy person.

I've never been 'shy', but I've always been very quiet, private and introverted. I've had employers pull me up on it numerous times in my younger years. I've also been told endlessly by employers that I don't shout loudly enough about my achievements.

I've never made a shred of effort to change. Because although I'm quiet, I'm very self assured. I've always wanted to say to those giving me their opinion: "Yes, and I think you're a gobshite!"

I'm now senior in my career and very well respected. It turns out being quiet was an asset - I observe and listen and take everything in. I don't say much, but what I do say is impactful. I demonstrate my expertise through doing rather than saying. I get shit achieved while others are running their mouths off!

I'm now 40 and far too old for anyone to think they can have an opinion on my personality type, thankfully, and have purposefully hired quiet introverts into roles because I know how valuable they can be.

I still regularly see social and work situations that play to the strengths of extroverts.

There is an annual professional event I used to attend where there is a networking portion that is effectively an hour of standing around in a too-small space with people shouting into each other’s faces. I’m short, too, and struggle to hear and be heard as the conversation takes place above my head, which adds a lovely dimension to the proceedings. Although I’d no longer call myself shy, this sort of thing is still pure torture and I’ve stopped going as a result. There are ways to get people talking that aren’t this!