To think they telling someone they are shy is rude?

[notshy]

I am and have always been shy. Every single school report I have from nursery onwards mentions it. Growing up I had so many well-meaning teachers try and 'help' me out of my shell. In my adult years I've had so many well-meaning managers try and encourage me to 'have more confidence' or asked me to do things they wouldn't ask my colleagues to do (like run an icebreaker quiz) in hope of it somehow breaking me out of my shell. It is such an inherent part of who I am and it feels so hurtful to be constantly reminded of how my quiet nature is not good enough and I need to try and be different.

I can't explain how upsetting it is when someone calls me shy. I am trying my absolute hardest to be as outgoing as I can and to cope in situations I find difficult and putting on such a front for the benefit of another person/a particular situation and when someone calls me shy it feels like they're saying it's not enough and they can see right through my facade. No matter how hard I try I'm still seen as shy. Today I was at the hairdressers and they mentioned how I was shy. I thought I had been quite chatty... I find it so hurtful and I don't think people realise. I think they think it's just a mindless little comment but it is hurtful.

I too had this all through school as a shy introvert despite achieving very highly academically. My DS is now exactly the same.

Probably surprisingly, I've been a teacher for years as it's sort of like an act for me. I'm always a huge advocate for shy, quiet or introverted children at school. Finding ways to make them feel comfortable to share what they know and socialise with others is always achievable. Children like this always have so much to give when they are ready to do so and are often the ones that surprise me the most.

My shyness is not as obvious now as it once was but it's still there. It has never been a problem or a negative for me though, I have amazing life long friends and I can communicate and socialise with anyone when I feel comfortable with them. This would not be anyone who pointed out my shyness or quietness in a negative way though!

"It’s a cop out. It’s being unfair. It’s sitting in silent judgement of the ‘loud’ ones and thinking yourself special whilst contributing nothing" - I completely disagree with this. Firstly, as I mentioned in the OP, that I will get called shy despite my very best efforts to speak and engage with others. I don't sit in silence. From my perspective, I'm being chatty and engaging with others, but others still interpret me as shy. I don't know why or how, it's like there's an invisible label on my forehead because I am constantly trying so hard to talk and be chatty and social. I also don't judge loud people, I'd love to be like them. I love being around someone who takes up most of the air time during conversations and has long monologues about themselves, because then I can just listen and ask them questions. Most of my closest friendships have been that kind of dynamic - with me as the quiet sidekick.

Totally get where you are coming from.
I remember the feeling of tearing up at parents evenings/ school reports when my quietness was constantly mentioned. I would say I have gained so much more confidence now but I will always be naturally quieter, think I'm better in 1-1 situations. .

Also understand your frustration when you feel like you've 'done well' and perhaps been more chatty/ outgoing but then somehow still labelled as the quiet one! I have had that on numerous occasions and sometimes I watch others and think well they are talking just as much as me but somehow they aren't labelled as quiet. It's strange isn't it. Also hate it when people say things like 'the quiet ones are the worst' or sarcastically 'will you stop talking you are so loud'

I am definitely making peace with it as I get older, there's nothing wrong with us and we aren't any less of a valueable person. The amount of times I have wished I could be different!

I find it interesting how being shy is perceived (by non-shy people) as 'not trying hard enough'.

Sometimes I just don't know what to say next in a conversation. Other times I might be slow at processing so my brain is still working through things - and then (frustratingly) when I have processed and am ready to say something, the conversation has moved on. Other people have mentioned selective mutism - sometimes when I am uncomfortable or overwhelmed I literally can't speak.

I think 'you need to talk more' is a very simplistic way of looking at it.

In our son's case, it was just a matter of time, and growing self confidence which happened in the work place via nurturing colleagues. We saw him in person every month or so once he'd left home and moved to his job, and could see how he "grew" into being more confident, just by being around other adults 7 hours per day in a professional/respectful workplace.

It certainly didn't come by some random people bullying him by telling him he was too quiet!

His workplace is very open to ND people (not that son is diagnosed with anything), but ND awareness helps people who are just naturally a bit quieter/shy without a label. It's the nature of his profession really, and attracts a lot of "geeks" who are Maths geniuses. One example is them having "quiet" rooms where they can go to chill out if things are getting too much for them - no questions asked, no challenges however busy, and guaranteed no disturbances. DS has only used it once, but he said it was a massive comfort to know they were there if things got too much, so it enabled him to push his own boundaries, knowing there was a safe place if he ever needed it. Just go in, put the "do not disturb" sign on the door, and you're left in peace, and can come out when you're ready and no one bats an eyelid! That's the kind of thing to really boost self confidence - the ability to try something and take a risk - no comebacks, no questions asked, if things go wrong!

Schools have it massively wrong with the bullying of "out of the ordinary" pupils by teachers, whether it's the classroom, the sports fields, the gym, etc. Whether it's not being gobby in class, or poor co ordination in games lessons, etc. "Team work" isn't nurtured, you basically have to get on with it and are bullied by the teachers if you don't. That's the opposite of the gentle persuasion and confidence building that they should be doing and does cause more harm than good. No one is going to be a better sports person or less shy/quiet by someone telling them to be better or talk more.

They need to be encouraged, not criticised.

Had this all my life, from a little girl ‘oh aren’t you shy’ so mortifying, like it’s some sort of problem. I agree it’s rude, just let people be who they are.