To think they telling someone they are shy is rude?

[notshy]

I am and have always been shy. Every single school report I have from nursery onwards mentions it. Growing up I had so many well-meaning teachers try and 'help' me out of my shell. In my adult years I've had so many well-meaning managers try and encourage me to 'have more confidence' or asked me to do things they wouldn't ask my colleagues to do (like run an icebreaker quiz) in hope of it somehow breaking me out of my shell. It is such an inherent part of who I am and it feels so hurtful to be constantly reminded of how my quiet nature is not good enough and I need to try and be different.

I can't explain how upsetting it is when someone calls me shy. I am trying my absolute hardest to be as outgoing as I can and to cope in situations I find difficult and putting on such a front for the benefit of another person/a particular situation and when someone calls me shy it feels like they're saying it's not enough and they can see right through my facade. No matter how hard I try I'm still seen as shy. Today I was at the hairdressers and they mentioned how I was shy. I thought I had been quite chatty... I find it so hurtful and I don't think people realise. I think they think it's just a mindless little comment but it is hurtful.

I see people have already made that point. I was too exercised to RTFT!

Ds1 is very shy. He has autism and learning difficulties and is socially awkward and he likes to wait and observe before making comments. He then over thinks every single thing he says- sometimes for years. I had a teacher of his in Year 5 tell me dismissively he wasn't really shy and it was his method of 'attention-seeking'.

She certainly saw a new side of me that day I can tell you.

My DD is shy but until this thread I hadn’t realised it was a bad thing 🤷‍♀️

Extrovert does not equal loud FGS.

Loud = loud

Extroverts just like being with people. I know loads of confident extroverts who are quiet, don't talk over people and who listen to other people. They just like being with and communicationg with other people. They talk to people, not at or over people.

I wish we could move away from the narrative that being confident to talk to other people means that you are loud and boistrous.

It's almost as if the quiet shy people are jealous of those who are confident enough to be able to speak to other people in social situations.

Yeah- no-one ever tells an extrovert they need to go back in their shell

No, because extroverts are not loud. Loud people are loud.

@Winifredtabago I was shy when I was younger. I lacked confidence, but now I don't really care what other people think. However, I am not loud.

There is nothing wrong with being shy BTW.

I'm shy and have had this throughout life. I do find it rude because it's never said in a positive way! It's always said in a slightly condescending, undermining way.
I don't find it very upsetting but it's annoying.

Yeah but saying I used to be shy then grew out of it is insulting as it implies the shy person hasn't grown up yet. If you take two people- one a little bit shy and one 'painfully' shy, they could both mature and develop at the same rate through life but the painfully shy person will still be shyer than the other one. If it was in graph form 😊

Yeah but saying I used to be shy then grew out of it is insulting as it implies the shy person hasn't grown up yet.

No, it isn't. Not at all. You are either projecting here or take offence too easily. There is nothing wrong with being shy and unconfident. Loads of people find their confidence as they grow older. It happened to me and it has happened for DD.

I simply gained more confidence. However, I realise that not everyone does. I can empathise with people who are shy because I remember what it was like.

Some people are just naturally quiet, nothing to do with thinking they're special whatsoever. People should just be allowed to be who they are without getting judged and receiving snide comments for it.

Exactly! Also quiet doesn't mean introvert either.

I agree it’s rude calling someone shy, but then if it’s rude to say that I think you have to concede it’s not perceived as a positive personality trait? I don’t think thing both things can be true.

I have a couple of friends who are very shy and both are very frustrated by it and recognise the challenges it has caused them.

Shyness generally tends to come from a lack of confidence I think, not that being loud is the answer, but being selectively quiet or not needing to fill every void with noise etc is not shy.

🎻

This is one of the funniest things I've ever read here. Get over yourself 😂

You can just tell people you don't like talking to other as you have no interest in their boring stories.
It quickly shuts them up.

I was called shy as child and only in my late 20s I discovered I am introverted and simply don't like chatting all day long.

Shy people gain more confidence with age too. If you are a shy person you are shy. It's not a phase if it's just you and the way your brain works.

If people think there is nothing wrong with being shy (I agree) that's great but comments about 'I grew out of it' dont tend to come from people who value shyness.

I can relate completely. I was/am constantly told the same - every parents evening, etc. It's tiring and hurtful when people talk about it like it's a fault in my personality. I do think I have social anxiety. I had counselling for my quietness when I was a teen. I then wasn't able to go to a shop by myself and buy anything. My counsellor told me that talking to me was like talking to a 2 year old (hasn't met many 2 year olds obviously as my son talked a lot at that age 🙄 ) but I was (i think) understandably very hurt by this and it's stuck with me now and I'm now in my mid 30s. I don't know if her tactic was to offend me into changing but if only it were that easy!

My father is a very shy man

He's been called (to his face and behind his back) 'ignorant','quiet','perverted' (one woman clamied he was staring at her-he wasnt,he was washing up and the sink was in front of the window)and 'thick'

He's a very intelligent man (mensa intelligent) but is just shy and doesn't do 'in your face' and somehow that's wrong

Thankfully he just ignores any idiot that thinks this but it still pisses me off that just because he's shy,it means he's wrong

I've also had this all my life. I'm not changing. If loud people are allowed to be loud and outgoing, I'm allowed to be quiet and reserved. Not sure why they've decided they're correct and everyone needs to be like that. It sounds like a nightmare to me, I value peace and quiet too much.

It sounds like it's become a sensitive issue for you OP, I think most comments are just passing remarks but I agree it's not nice and they should keep their thoughts to themselves. For me if someone says ah you are too nice it gives me the rage even if it's meant to be a compliment. It goes back to work situations where I always felt criticised because I was soft spoken and hated being unaccomodating to customers (when many colleagues were). I think it's no harm to acknowledge that your reaction is probably a bit disproportionate.

Are you quiet and reserved, or are you shy? They are different things. Whilst being quiet and reserved might be a symptom of being shy, it can also just be the way someone chooses to be, or is, but not based on shyness.

This thread is about being called shy, which definition is based on nervousness, it’s a negative thing, I doubt anyone would want to be shy any more than they would want to be obnoxious.

One thing that might be worth considering a bit is that for some people, being in the company of a shy person makes them feel deeply uncomfortable. They can go from being confident socially to being anxious, because they feel the shy persons lack of response is dislike or boredom. So they are now in a stressed state and more likely to say something dumb. It seems to me that many shy people presume everyone around them is secure because they are talking but it's not always the case, everyone has different comfort levels. I don't think anyone should be asked to change or be commented on but I think its important for people to understand each other.

Yes, I had it all through childhood and so did my DC's. Turns out both of them are autistic - shyness is a trait in many autistic people, especially girls. One of my DC has selective mutism. Really unhelpful when people say "oh you're being shy".

I agree.

It is a phase for many people though. Meeting new people and talking to people I didn’t know very well made me anxious and stressed as a child, and I didn’t enjoy the experience. I don’t feel like this as an adult.

I guess the underlying traits are there - I described upthread a networking situation I find very uncomfortable and stressful that other people seem to manage - but it’s so rare that this is an issue these days that I wouldn’t call myself shy. Which I have to say, is certainly a positive for me.

As a teacher I constantly advocate for shy children. I find that teachers are always wanting to ‘support them to be more confident’ but often this is just so so exhausting and they should be allowed to be interested / engaged etc without fulfilling the teachers idea of ‘showing engagement’ by constantly talking to the whole class etc.

i was always a shy child, thankfully in an age before ‘no hands up’ or ‘pose pause pounce bounce’. I was constantly on edge if I thought I’d have to speak in front of others. (The register!) I’ve become more outgoing gently, over time - I’m still reasonably shy I think. No amount of well meaning ‘support’ would have rewired my shy personality

sorry .. my point is- your child should be being reassured that he is good enough as he is. He doesn’t need to change to fit someone else’s idea of a good person/ student. Some teachers do not recognise this as many love
the sound of their own voice and became Teachers for a captive audience.

You can be both.

It doesn't have to be negative. People are different. And I know what the thread is about, I have read it. I was adding my experience of people calling me shy.

But to me, I see being loud and overly chatty as being rude, but I don't constantly ask chatty people why they're being so loud and tell them they need to change themselves so I don't perceive them as rude.

People are different, that's what makes us interesting.