DH refusing to financially help sister after she went on holiday.

[Sallymeblue]

I need to keep this as vague as possible. We are financially supporting me sister and have been doing so for several years. This year for the first time, in a very long time, her family are going on holiday and this has enraged DH. He is seething that we are supporting whilst they are going to holiday, he doesn't think they should expect help and go on holiday.

He is taking his anger out on me because I don't work due, and be feels I dont contribute to the household and he support me and my sister

Is that all the support or is he giving her money too?

Fair enough!

I actually think that to have a long term tenant that pays rent on time and looks after the place in exchange for lighter cheaper than market rate rent is a ok. It can be a huge hassle finding reliable tenants and if her rent is paying mortgage etc on the place then you just have to sit and wait for the sister to pay your house off for you.

Obviously this depends on the specifics on how much below market rate, how much the sister takes care of the place(does she paint etc like she would her own house) or does she call you whenever something needs doing.

@Sallymeblue wtf??? why is he supporting your sister and her family??? if they cant afford a holiday then they dont get one!! you should be supporting your husband in this matter, especially when you dont work either!! no wonder he is angry. I would be livid!

Your updates are unclear. How much below market rate is she paying you? Your posts imply that you give her money in addition. If that has amounted to a lot of money your H’s views are understandable.

Becoming and staying a SAHM shouldn’t be a unilateral decision. Not U if your H doesn’r want to be sole breadwinner, unless your mental health problem is severe even after you’ve tried treatments etc Lots of parents with mental health conditions do paid work.

I also need to know how below market rent before I can comment.

However, my first thought is he is projecting his frustrations with you onto your sister.

No but they are giving reduced rent which is financial support

Some people choose to rent out at slightly below market rent to keep a long term. reliable tenant. It’s not a particularly unusual situation. OP says it is mutually beneficial and presumably the husband agreed to this and was not coerced into the arrangement. Also presumably the sister did not have never being able to spend money on luxuries written into her tenancy agreement. The dh is being unreasonable. It’s none of his business. He can have a sensible discussion with you about increasing the rent if he wants but sister may move out and nightmare tenants move in. That’s the risk.

It’s a good thing your husband can cope with the pressure of working then, isn’t it, or you’d all be screwed.

It sounds like your partner is feeling the pressure and stress of being the only earner in the house.

I think you should try working again but start small - maybe one weekend day in a shop or a couple of evenings while your husband has the kids - start to build your confidence for getting back to work.

If however she’s only paying a bit below the realistic alternative options for tenants, and DH agreed to this, with an indefinite end date, and you haven’t given her much cash, he could be being U. this seems much less likely.

You are both supporting her and her family with reduced rent in your property? Does she have a working partner? If your husband agreed the reduced rent, I can't see why he begrudges her having a holiday. As you say, you're benefiting from the rental income.

If he's now unhappy with this arrangement, he must give notice to your sister, then let the property to someone else who'll pay the market rate.

His growing resentment towards you not having a job outside the home is a separate issue. He can't have everything his own way.

Perhaps that is because the OP does everything else though parenting housework mental load and when she went back to work she did all of that.

so the questions are

1. is the support just the rent
2. how below market rent is it
3. if you went back to work would childcare housework mental load be split

Maybe he's not coping well with the pressure and stress of being the sole breadwinner?

Most mothers do work at least part time once their children are school age.

Not necessarily. It depends on the amount. Lots of landlords have long term tenants who pay slightly less than market rate, but they’re happy to keep it that way because the tenant is reliable and the landlord is not incurring the cost of re-letting the property.

That's splashing the cash for us! £1.5k for a week, that's neither a mini break or cheap!

Of course he is resentful, as he is supporting you and helping your sister a bit by getting less money for your property. It is always better to have some financial independence and keep family business separate.

We all have to find ways to cope with stress, anxiety, etc; get up every day and make a living. It is unfair to put all the responsibility in one person.

Saying all that, if you are going to help someone, do it without conditions or don’t do it, as you can’t control what other people do with their money.

If your sister is being subsidised it's out of order to splash out on wants not needs. If she has spare money she should be paying the market rent.

I don't blame your husband for being resentful.

I’m sorry, but “hardly splashing the cash”. £1,500 is an awful lot of money to me as well as to a lot of people.

I don’t have £1,500 to spend on a holiday nor do I have some suckers willing to fund my lifestyle. I’m with your DH on this.

My Sister rents a property from us at slightly below market rate.
Its a good deal for both of us, as she gets a place And we our rent paid on time.

OP, it sounds like the only financial support your dsis is getting from your dh is a slight reduction in rent. That is not financially supporting your dsis. That is just a reduction in rent by a landlord for a reliable tenant. Is the discount 1,500 a month or 1,500 a year? Without knowing the amount of the 'financial support', it is impossible to compare the amounts and determinate whether your dh is reasonable or unreasonable.

I suspect (and I cannot tell because you are vague about the amounts and dripping info in) that if we were just looking at the amount of financial support v the cost of the holiday, your dh is probably being unreasonable.

However, he is resentful about the fact you are not working and using this as a proxy fight to pressure you to go back to work.

Bloody hell fire, IS HE GIVING YOUR SISTER MONEY OR JUST CHEAP RENT?????

Based on just what is in OP, your husband is right. You and your sister are taking the piss.

Sorry I lol’d at this. Imagine if your husband said that!

He's not giving her money and if he was to chuck her out could she afford to live in a market rented property. A £1500 holiday of a lifetime is nothing and he shouldn't be uping the rent. It sounds like what we've go one through the last few years with Tory government trying to squeeze every last penny out of you. It's depressing enough as it is without begrudging someone a holiday. I think her husband should aim it at the op and her lack of enthusiasm to work.

Have you considered that the burden of the whole financial responsibility for the family in your DH may be affecting his metal health and well being? And so having reduced income from your flat to help your ds is just adding more requirement from him. And your MH stopping you from contributing is taking him to breaking point.