DH refusing to financially help sister after she went on holiday.

[Sallymeblue]

I need to keep this as vague as possible. We are financially supporting me sister and have been doing so for several years. This year for the first time, in a very long time, her family are going on holiday and this has enraged DH. He is seething that we are supporting whilst they are going to holiday, he doesn't think they should expect help and go on holiday.

He is taking his anger out on me because I don't work due, and be feels I dont contribute to the household and he support me and my sister

I don't think your DH is being unreasonable at all! He helps support your sister, he supports you as you don't work - and yet your DS is going on holiday. I would be massively annoyed if I was your DH. Unless there is some back story you haven't mentioned then he should stop supporting your sister and you need to get a job and contribute to your household. You need to get help for whatever MH issues you have had in the past so you can overcome them and contribute. I'm frankly not surprised your DH feels annoyed.

How much is below marker rent. Is she paying £400 for a £1,500 property or is she paying £500 on say a £800.

Though regardless that is still basically handing over £300 a month cash at the lower rate really because renting to family can sometimes actually be the worst.

Is it just the reduced rent or does he also give her money? Your first post made it sound as if he was giving her money.

Holiday … absolutely not if they are being supported finically, it’s absolutely ridiculous and insulting to even think of it.
Also a £1500 holiday will probably cost loads more than that when extras are added in.
You should be supporting your husband OP not weighing him down with opposition to a his very reasonable response.

Sounds like your husbands got the hump because he’s supporting everyone and I don’t blame him.

You seem to be avoiding answering whether the support given relates to just the reduced rent or if you are giving additional help.

We have actually been giving money to my sister in law for quite a while - 500 a month. She is useless with money and often asks for extra. She works. Her husband works. They have 1 teenage son. There is no way they should need our help, but DH is a sucker and it's really getting to me.

Recently heard she is off to Italy on holiday. She had her "much needed" trip to Lanzarote last year. I've told DH he has to stop giving her money, but he promised his late father to look after her 😡

How much is the amount she underpays by?

And is being financially supported with at least a reduction in rent. There's presumably a reason for that beyond simply being a 'family discount', given the issues arising.

1.5k isn't 'splashing the cash'? It's far more than many have going spare for a holiday.

If that's your attitude no wonder your DH is fed up. You and your sister are a pair of cheeky buggers.

There's nothing wrong with being a SAHM if it works for your family, but expecting your DH's income to top up your sisters to the point she has 1.5k spare is very wrong.

who describes it as supporting her financially? Are those his words?

if your husband thinks the reduced rent equals support your sister, then you all should rethink this arrangement. There are advantages to having a reliable tenant - but in your sister’s shoes if I knew this was how the arrangement was seen I would kind somewhere else to live.

If the support is just reduced rent then it’s not at all what you implied in your first post.

Even so, I can see why he’s fed up given that you won’t contribute financially. What’s the plan there, will you never get a job?

It doesn't she hasn't said he gives her money.

So if he's refusing to financially help any longer, does this mean he wants to put the rent up?

He is obviously struggling to cope with being the sole provider for your family and subsidising your sisters family too.

I'm still team dh after your updates...he is not happy with the situation including helping to fund your sisters families jolly.

There needs to be a serious conversation about finances before his resentment builds even more

Its tough being the financial provider...you have been very fortunate to be in a position to be a sahm but he is now struggling with that, so things need to change

I mean having your rent be cheaper be a few hundred is supporting them.

They could get a normal tenant and charge full price and be financially better off.

But with reduced rent he is giving her money, it’s the difference between market rates and the amount they’re paying, it could be thousands a year in her sisters pocket instead of his, it’s a ridiculous arrangement in the first place unless the OP are very wealthy and it doesn’t sound that way!
Booking a holiday is an insult.

You”re still not being clear. Is the reduced rent the only financial support? Does the reduced rent your sister is paying cover the mortgage and maintenance of the property she lives in or does your DH have to make up the shortfall out of his earned income?

When you set this arrangement up how long was it intended to last for? Was it short term so that your sister could find her feet or does she expect long term support?

Do you plan to go back to work at some point in the future to share the financial burden with your DH?

If your sister has the spare cash for a week long holiday (mini normally refers to something like a long weekend) plus spending she should pay your DH back something for the help he’s given her first.

I can see why your DH feels resentful at the moment.

what would you do if he divorced you?

When was the last time your DH got to spend £1500 on his family or himself? Why should he work and support both you and your sister. Either she is living above her means and needs to cut back or she isn’t working enough hours/claiming benefits she’s entitled to. Either way it’s not his responsibility to provide for your sister and I don’t blame him resenting you for not working - is there no work at all you could do?

I can't believe you have the nerve to say that £1.5k isn't splashing the cash OP!!

Why can't you cope with work now that your kids are in school? What's so difficult for you to cope with?

If they are just paying a little under market rent and he isn’t helping them in any other way financially (you keep avoiding giving more details) then maybe this has pushed him over the edge but it’s more his frustration at you not working and him struggling with the pressure of it all rather than one individual thing.

What’s ’a little’ though? Could he get 1k rent and she’s paying 800? 700? 600?

You really should try sit down with DH and have a proper conversation about the family finances, whether things are alright or he feels like he’s drowning and you’re not helping. You need to consider trying to find a job, start small, few hours a week.

Also, £1.5k for a few days away is splashing the cash in my world and lots of others. I’d be lucky to afford a £500 caravan weekend.

That’s a massive drip feed. You should have put that in the OP and you’d be getting more balanced replies.

If it’s only slightly below market rent (no less than 75% I would say) and no other help, your DH is unreasonable regarding your sister’s holiday. IMO having a reliable long term tenant saves a lot of headache and cost with estate agents and empty property etc. So it’s worth taking a small hit with the rent level.

As for you being a SAHM, did he agree to this and has now changed his mind? I think it’s fair for either partner to have a change of heart at any point and you need to come to an agreement as a couple. Maybe he’s under too much pressure to support the family on one income. Would you consider working part time?

I need to enlarge my understanding of the word 'entitled'.

Yep. He might not be giving the sister hard cash but he is subsidising her, which means OP & her DH have less income than they might.

Now I've read your update, which contained very relevant information which should have been in your OP, I've changed my mind.

Letting a property at slightly below market rent, although kind of your husband to do, is not what I would call 'financially supporting' your sister and her family. I let my former home at below market rent to an unrelated tenant because he's trustworthy, pays on time and it suits both of us. What he then does with the rest of his money is nothing to to do with me.

If your husband was sending her cash while she sat at home, it would be a different story.

I wonder if the bigger issue (for him) is that you don't work.