DH refusing to financially help sister after she went on holiday.

[Sallymeblue]

I need to keep this as vague as possible. We are financially supporting me sister and have been doing so for several years. This year for the first time, in a very long time, her family are going on holiday and this has enraged DH. He is seething that we are supporting whilst they are going to holiday, he doesn't think they should expect help and go on holiday.

He is taking his anger out on me because I don't work due, and be feels I dont contribute to the household and he support me and my sister

I get why he is annoyed. I would tell my sister that we can’t support her in the same way if it is causing issues with your marriage.

I think that you both need to solve your issue with work too - is there other work that you can do? What would childcare look like? I think if anyone is to support your sister it should be you but only after your family finances are taken care of. I do not think you should expect your DH to take care of your sister, especially if he is the only one earning.

£4.2k a year is still a lot of money and extremely generous, however you try to spin it. And if the OPs sister is on the breadline, then she shouldn't be renting a house or living in an areas where a 3 bed house has a market rental value of £2.5k a month.

Being supported financially by someone unrelated surely means you don’t spend that money on luxuries??? Whichever way you look at it, a holiday is not essential expenditure.

It sounds like your dh has an issue not only with your sister but also with you. There is nothing to stop you contributing by getting a job.

I would hardly say it’s supporting their family - ’ - but kind of depends on level - if for instance rent was £1700 ( and it is in many parts of country on an average home) and they are paying £1350 -then he is probably saving on any management fees, having no void periods etc- so yes whilst it’s a good deal for them , it’s not exactly ‘supporting them’ which kind of implies he was actually paying all their expenses to a large degree- but I guess it depends on the spirit it was entered into. However if that’s the only way they are supported I really couldn’t get my knickers in a twist about this and think if they are having a small holiday and it’s a rare thing-fair enough- pretty sure their contract doesn’t say ‘renting to you below market price but no holidays ever allowed’ - if he feels ‘that ‘ aggrieved then put the rent up £125 a month at renewal time and he can explain why he thinks they can pay more -

on another point though OP - are you as a family well off? Because whilst I personally think it would be good for you to work and get over anxiety, and I don’t think it’s great being 100% reliant in any man, if you are getting by absolutely fine financially and no one is claiming anything - then there’s plenty of women on mumsnet in that position without being layed into- it’s your business - or do you think at the heart of this is the fact your H is pissed off that you aren’t working at all -

i think the renting below market value though is a totally separate thing and if he’s no longer happy about it then a compromise needs to be found- unless it was rented based on them being desparate and pleading poverty to him then I do think he is being unreasonable.

None of this is small. I'd be resentful, too, honestly.

It can be the equivalent of £2 to him, it still isn’t something OP’s husband is obliged to provide. It’s wild to me that OP and her sister seem to think he should.

If your sister had £1,500 spare due to your family subsidising her she should pay that first. That’s before we even get into you deciding you can’t be bothered to work

Husbands walk away from marriages like this. My friend whose husband did this was the only one who was surprised.

Was the fact that you might have been doing 70-90% of childcare and housework whilst you were doing a full time job, a contribution to your poor mental health?

So your DH not only has the responsibility of being the sole breadwinner of your family, instead of piling away savings for the unfortunate event he loses his job he's subbing your sister £350 a month too? No wonder he's pissed and resentful.

Your family is massively taking advantage of your DH. He's acting like this because resentment is brewing. You need to get your shit together or you'll find yourself with divorce papers and both you and your sister will be up shit creek without a paddle.

I hope the husband has a mate that tells him to wise up.

How many years has subsidising your sister's whims been going on? We could well be talking high 5 figures here.

Yup. OP would be wise to realize this could very easily cost her her marriage.

I think id be pretty fucked off if someone swanned off on holiday when I’d been subsidising their shopping and present buying while they plead poverty.

Trying to work but being unable to due to mental health issues is not quite the same as refusing to work.

Is this a reverse? There is a word for this scenario. It is called passenger syndrome. Where one partner decides that they do not need to do really anything and that they can opt out of that nasty thing called work as it is far too much trouble and stress. Oh and then it moves on to I can spend most of the money and not really worry about any of the mental load. Eventually opting out of any part of worrying about paying bills or the mortgage. If you want to help your sister OP the solution is obvious. Get a job, even part time and then you can do all the supporting of DS you like with your money. Mind you it might be nice if you thought about contributing something to the household running costs.

You think your husband is being unreasonable don’t you?
He’s not. In fact his mental health is probably suffering - carrying the full financial load in his own house, plus supporting your sister.

Your poor husband. He has the sole earning burden of your household and is subsidising your sister to the tune of thousands of pounds a year. No wonder he’s pissed off. Be careful @Sallymeblue you might be about the kill the golden goose…

Read what I wrote again.

That seems quite substantial but it depends what the market rate is. £350 off £1,500 is a massive amount. £350 off £3,000 is in line with fluctuations that maybe seen.
But either way it’s more than what you described as “slightly below” market rate.
But I get his annoyance with both of you.

My friend had passenger syndrome then. Her daughter at university had to pick up the slack when the husband left. She really didn't have a clue finance wise.

Yep. And OP will likely be surprised if that happens.

So, IANAL (I am not a landlord) but what percentage do they have to pay the letting agents to manage their properties? Because I can bet that this transaction isn’t going through any kind of books. So what with that and the fact he has a trusted, constant tenant who pays on time and is settling his mortgage it hardly seems to me like he’s ‘supporting’ her.

Easy for you to say when your husband is paying for everything.