DH refusing to financially help sister after she went on holiday.

[Sallymeblue]

I need to keep this as vague as possible. We are financially supporting me sister and have been doing so for several years. This year for the first time, in a very long time, her family are going on holiday and this has enraged DH. He is seething that we are supporting whilst they are going to holiday, he doesn't think they should expect help and go on holiday.

He is taking his anger out on me because I don't work due, and be feels I dont contribute to the household and he support me and my sister

sounds like your DH has realised he’s being taken for a mug. Any ‘extra’ money she had should have gone to paying DH back for paying for groceries etc., or she should be saving. Not going on holiday.

I would resent your sister if I was your husband.

Is your sister a single parent?

I’m confused as to why she’s struggling so much.

I have borrowed the odd £10 off people (they’ve borrowed off me too) but I’ve always paid it back asap and would never book a holiday if I hadn’t paid someone back for the money they lent me.

The fact is that the OP seems to be expecting her husband to support her for the rest of her life, including when he's retired.

That means he almost certainly can't afford to not be putting that £350 a month into his pension.

Basically he's working his arse off so that the OP and her sister don't have to.

It depends on the market. Where I live the average 3 bed house is around £2500 to rent. £350 is a concession but not that generous.

Our previous landlord rented out to us at £400 less than market rate because we were very clean, always paid on time and got on well with all the neighbours. That’s a lot cheaper in the long run than a tenant that pays market rate but misses 9 months of rent payments while the landlord spends money on the legal eviction process, or a tenant who trashes the house causing £20k damage.

All to say OP’s husband is also getting a benefit and the level of financial benefit to the sister will be proportionate to the market rate.

Does your DH pay tax on the income he gets from property your sister rents? Or is it cash in hand?

I think your original post is a bit misleading… he’s not exactly supporting her, you both get a mutual benefit from the rental arrangement. But without all the details it’s hard to give much more of a view.

I'm with your husband. You are cash cows to your sister

Get a job and give your sister the money from that. Mental health my arse, you just can’t be bothered and have found a sap to freeload off that is finally seeing the light.

Plus, was it originally his property or yours?? If it predates you he has right to be even more resentful as you didn’t even contribute to the purchase of the original asset.

I spend too much time on MNs and have never seen a SAHM referred to as “lazy”, the opposite in fact.

So you just opted out of work altogether? Try having ADHD, severe anxiety and being a widow with two young children, and still having to work full time. No sympathy for you or your sister from me I’m afraid

And I get no financial support from anyone

You need to take steps to get some help with your MH if you are so encumbered that you're unable to find some kind of paid work. There are a lot of hours in the day and the house can only get so clean. Your DH resents you not working and that is understandable; I'd definitely run out of patience if I had a spouse not working who also expected our family investment to be indefinitely subsidising his brother. That's over £4k a year. You could start by getting a job, earn that amount of money, and see how you feel about handing it over to your sister.

When the children are little and at home no. But when they're at school every day?

Then maybe she should lay £250 less, and pay You an extra £100 per month. She’d still have £300 for a cheap holiday somewhere - youth hostels are cheap (and actually quite enjoyable).

When was the last time you and your DH went on a week's break OP?

but some small support in the past but these are really small things, paying for shopping, birthday gifts.

I'll take that with a pinch of salt too, since your 'slightly below market rent' turns out to be £350 a month and you describe your sister paying £1,500 for a week's holiday as 'hardly splashing the cash'.

You say ‘only’ ‘small’ and ‘just below’ to describe your husbands money that he’s using to support you and your sisters families.Very easy to feel generous when it’s not your hard earned.

Why not try making a ‘small’ contribution yourself by getting off your arse and getting a job? Then you can support for sister if that’s what you choose

We didn’t make you post, OP. If you weren’t going to give the relevant info or answer questions, then why bother?

Unless there's some huge backstop like your husband is an extremely high earner, you don't work because you have a genuine reason (such as agreed on both of you preferring you to be a SAHM) and your sister has a reason (eg has some kind of severe developmental delay and isn't able to function without family care) then this sounds ridiculous.

Will you show your OH this thread ?

Ah, and here comes the sister………

Wow.
£350 a month. Every month.
Plus "other little things" (which, going on the fact you started off saying 'slightly below market rate', but later admitted £350 below market rate is probably not 'little' at all).

On that alone I'm team dh.

£1.5K on a weekend break ? I don't spend that on a whole week away, and I have that sort of money in the bank and nor am I being subsidised by anyone.

Then add in the fact you don't work.
Just so you know, lots of people find jobs 'stressful'. They either push through, or find a different job that is less stressful. Or they work PT rather than FT. Not many of us have the option to just decide not to work, ever.

I'm with the 94% that think YABU.

So, your husband is working to subsidise your sister. She has £1500 spare cash for a holiday (a lot of money to many btw).

Do you seriously not realise why he is resentful about this? Really?

Op, you and your dh need to sit and discuss the support you give your sister soberly and openly. Then set expectations e.g how much per month? End date for support etc. Also your work situation. Can you try working part time?
And once you and dh are clear and agree on limits and end point, all 3 of you have to discuss with your sis. And be fair to her. For example if you will end support give her at least 6 months to transition so she can plan how she will afford her rent etc. Otherwise it's unfair to control what she can and can't do, or begrudge her a once in a while £1.5k holiday. But it's also stressful and unfair to expect hubby to single handedly bear the cost burden of two households in this economic climate

I don't think it matters if he is a high earner or not, it's the principle.