Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New house - who gets biggest room?

335 replies

Catseyes2025 · 29/03/2025 09:14

So in the process of buying a new house with my partner. I have three children and he has one. The new house has 4 bedrooms. 2 good size and 2 smaller. He wants his daughter to have the second biggest room. She does not live with us full time, she lives with her mum. I don’t feel this is fair as my two youngest will have to share a room and now it looks like they will have to share a smaller room. This is totally grating me. He won’t budge on this as he says he’s promised her this room because she wanted it. I will be honest his daughter rarely gets told no. I guess it’s the joy of being an only child. I’ve really struggled with this as she has become quite entitled and really can’t handle if she doesn’t get her own way.
I literally don’t know how to handle this and tbh I’m dreading having to live with her - any advice would be greatly appreciated

OP posts:
BlueMum16 · 29/03/2025 10:49

Catseyes2025 · 29/03/2025 10:34

Thanks guys it’s been really interesting reading all your responses. It literally triggered me to speak to him about it immediately.
Just for reference all the children are girls and range from 10 to 21. I also want to add that I don’t dislike his daughter but I dislike her behaviour at times.
Financially we are even in every aspect.
Having spoken to him, it was clear there was a misunderstanding between us but he also wasn’t aware of how upset this was making me. It’s a natural instinct to get defensive over your children so raising certain issues have always been hard for me. I’m fully aware blending our family will have some ups and downs and my partner is a good guy. Who loves his daughter and my kids too. He was upset that I’m upset and understood that sometimes he’s does and says things forgetting as having a bigger family for him is something he’s getting used to as well.

We are planning on extending the house, the room situation would only be a short term fix.

Glad you have plans to sort the rooms longer term. In the meantime I hope you stand your ground and the two sharing get the bigger room.

ExitPersuedByAPomBear · 29/03/2025 10:49

Catseyes2025 · 29/03/2025 10:34

Thanks guys it’s been really interesting reading all your responses. It literally triggered me to speak to him about it immediately.
Just for reference all the children are girls and range from 10 to 21. I also want to add that I don’t dislike his daughter but I dislike her behaviour at times.
Financially we are even in every aspect.
Having spoken to him, it was clear there was a misunderstanding between us but he also wasn’t aware of how upset this was making me. It’s a natural instinct to get defensive over your children so raising certain issues have always been hard for me. I’m fully aware blending our family will have some ups and downs and my partner is a good guy. Who loves his daughter and my kids too. He was upset that I’m upset and understood that sometimes he’s does and says things forgetting as having a bigger family for him is something he’s getting used to as well.

We are planning on extending the house, the room situation would only be a short term fix.

That sounds like a fantastic resolution. Hopefully once the extension has been completed, it will seem more fair for everyone.

Blackcountrychik83 · 29/03/2025 10:49

Surely at the age of 21 it won’t be long till she moves out ? She’s going to want her own independence .
I also think he’s trying to keep the Daughter happy and doesn’t want to stand up to her so is minimising . Disney Dad .

MILsAreHumanToo · 29/03/2025 10:50

I will offer an alternative view: blending families will always be a challenge. The child who does not live with you will already be traumatised by the break up of her original family and the fact her dad is not around. For her to then come to a house where she is treated as a 'guest' rather than a real part of that 'family home', will be hard for her. I get that her dad wants her to feel properly included, and as the eldest child in this 'new' family ... yes, I get why he has promised her the larger room.

I also get the logistics and the need for the larger room to be for the two sharers.

I think you both, together, need to speak in love and gentleness and understanding to the eldest child and try to get them to see that in an ideal world, of course they would get the larger room. Try and get her alongside in seeing the practicalities of the situation. Is there something special you could do with one of the smaller rooms to make it feel entirely her's?

simpledeer · 29/03/2025 10:51

@Catseyes2025 it isn’t clear from your update what is happening with the rooms?

Has he backtracked and agreed his DD will have smaller room?

Obvnotthegolden · 29/03/2025 10:52

Catseyes2025 · 29/03/2025 10:34

Thanks guys it’s been really interesting reading all your responses. It literally triggered me to speak to him about it immediately.
Just for reference all the children are girls and range from 10 to 21. I also want to add that I don’t dislike his daughter but I dislike her behaviour at times.
Financially we are even in every aspect.
Having spoken to him, it was clear there was a misunderstanding between us but he also wasn’t aware of how upset this was making me. It’s a natural instinct to get defensive over your children so raising certain issues have always been hard for me. I’m fully aware blending our family will have some ups and downs and my partner is a good guy. Who loves his daughter and my kids too. He was upset that I’m upset and understood that sometimes he’s does and says things forgetting as having a bigger family for him is something he’s getting used to as well.

We are planning on extending the house, the room situation would only be a short term fix.

So he's listened to how upset you are, he's listened to how dictatorial, unfair on the dcs and impractical his plan is, and is proceeding ahead regardless?

So he's gaslit you.

Lyannaa · 29/03/2025 10:53

No this is completely unfair, especially since she lives with her mother most of the time! YANBU

BelloItalia · 29/03/2025 10:54

Catseyes2025 · 29/03/2025 10:34

Thanks guys it’s been really interesting reading all your responses. It literally triggered me to speak to him about it immediately.
Just for reference all the children are girls and range from 10 to 21. I also want to add that I don’t dislike his daughter but I dislike her behaviour at times.
Financially we are even in every aspect.
Having spoken to him, it was clear there was a misunderstanding between us but he also wasn’t aware of how upset this was making me. It’s a natural instinct to get defensive over your children so raising certain issues have always been hard for me. I’m fully aware blending our family will have some ups and downs and my partner is a good guy. Who loves his daughter and my kids too. He was upset that I’m upset and understood that sometimes he’s does and says things forgetting as having a bigger family for him is something he’s getting used to as well.

We are planning on extending the house, the room situation would only be a short term fix.

So in other words you have agreed to let the step daughter have the biggest bedroom 🤦‍♀️

RatedDoingMagic · 29/03/2025 10:54

Don't go ahead with this purchase and reconsider your relationship.

Children who are sharing should obviously get a larger room, but much more important than this is that you should not be moving your children in with a man who has this attitude towards them. You need to prioritise your children's wellbeing over your sex life.

RanyaJerodung · 29/03/2025 10:55

MILsAreHumanToo · 29/03/2025 10:50

I will offer an alternative view: blending families will always be a challenge. The child who does not live with you will already be traumatised by the break up of her original family and the fact her dad is not around. For her to then come to a house where she is treated as a 'guest' rather than a real part of that 'family home', will be hard for her. I get that her dad wants her to feel properly included, and as the eldest child in this 'new' family ... yes, I get why he has promised her the larger room.

I also get the logistics and the need for the larger room to be for the two sharers.

I think you both, together, need to speak in love and gentleness and understanding to the eldest child and try to get them to see that in an ideal world, of course they would get the larger room. Try and get her alongside in seeing the practicalities of the situation. Is there something special you could do with one of the smaller rooms to make it feel entirely her's?

That's not an alternative view. Most of us have said this.

BelloItalia · 29/03/2025 10:55

Is the 21 year old his? If so surely the “contact visits” should be coming to an end anyway?!

Eze · 29/03/2025 10:56

When he said short term fix does he mean it’s only for a short term that she gets a bigger room than the boys?

Short term fix should be boys share bigger room now and once the extension is done you can all have a talk on who goes where.

BelloItalia · 29/03/2025 10:57

Eze · 29/03/2025 10:56

When he said short term fix does he mean it’s only for a short term that she gets a bigger room than the boys?

Short term fix should be boys share bigger room now and once the extension is done you can all have a talk on who goes where.

There are no boys? They’re all girls

Original poster
Catseyes2025 · 29/03/2025 10:59

yes my 2 will share in the bigger room. Can I add the 21 year old is mine. His daughter is mid teens.

OP posts:
RanyaJerodung · 29/03/2025 10:59

You've said that the girls are 10-21. How old is his daughter?
You're not going to be extending the house anytime soon, so this arrangement will be for a while.

ImmediateReaction · 29/03/2025 11:02

Catseyes2025 · 29/03/2025 10:59

yes my 2 will share in the bigger room. Can I add the 21 year old is mine. His daughter is mid teens.

Why are you moving in with this man who tells you what you are all going to do. He sounds awful.

ScoobyBooby · 29/03/2025 11:02

Children living with you full time should get the next biggest room . Seems crazy to have that room empty half the term while your own children are squished into the smaller room , the new house is meant to benefit your own children too x

Reallyneedthosepositivevibes · 29/03/2025 11:02

I always presumed it was the universal unspoken rule that those sharing get the biggest room to share.

In my household growing up biggest rooms went to eldest.

Eze · 29/03/2025 11:03

As an aside, as you’re not married make sure you ring-fence your money through a solicitor and that you’re named on the mortgage.

Friend of mine split up with her partner of 20 years and as they weren’t married, and he paid the mortgage, he was entitled to kick her out. Didn’t matter that they had kids and she’d just ploughed 10k of her money into the house to do it up.

RedToothBrush · 29/03/2025 11:03

Kids sharing get bigger room. Add to that, the other child isn't there full time and its not a discussion.

Its tough shit and its a hill to die on.

honeylulu · 29/03/2025 11:03

Catseyes2025 · 29/03/2025 10:59

yes my 2 will share in the bigger room. Can I add the 21 year old is mine. His daughter is mid teens.

Phew! Well that's the problem solved then. Presume your sharers will have a room each once extension done.

shellyleppard · 29/03/2025 11:05

Old saying.... I want don't get. Maybe your partner and his daughter need to hear this. If she was living with you all the time then yes. But part time.... Nah. Guest room, like it or lump it

Eze · 29/03/2025 11:05

My mistake on boys rather than girls.

yomellamoHelly · 29/03/2025 11:06

The two sharing get the biggest room, so if she's in there one of yours shares with her. (My work to their favour as they then get sole occupancy for some of the time.

askmenow · 29/03/2025 11:09

Catseyes2025 · 29/03/2025 10:59

yes my 2 will share in the bigger room. Can I add the 21 year old is mine. His daughter is mid teens.

Have you had a discussion about the housekeeping contribution your adult daughter will be making if she is going to be living in the home?
This could be another topic to give timely consideration before difficulties/ misunderstandings develop.
And sets the bar for future adults wanting to stay at home….his daughter for instance.