New house - who gets biggest room?

[Catseyes2025]

So in the process of buying a new house with my partner. I have three children and he has one. The new house has 4 bedrooms. 2 good size and 2 smaller. He wants his daughter to have the second biggest room. She does not live with us full time, she lives with her mum. I don’t feel this is fair as my two youngest will have to share a room and now it looks like they will have to share a smaller room. This is totally grating me. He won’t budge on this as he says he’s promised her this room because she wanted it. I will be honest his daughter rarely gets told no. I guess it’s the joy of being an only child. I’ve really struggled with this as she has become quite entitled and really can’t handle if she doesn’t get her own way.
I literally don’t know how to handle this and tbh I’m dreading having to live with her - any advice would be greatly appreciated

My DSD had her own room while my DC shared. Oh how I would have laughed and laughed if DH had tried to insist she had the larger room for her weekends while our kids had, as their one and only bedroom, the smaller room between them.
We now have a bedroom for each of the kids and she still has the smallest, though it does have its perks of being a sunny room at the front of the house, with lovely park views should she ever wish to open her blinds, and the first door at the top of the stairs so very handy for sneaky trips to the kitchen for snacks! It not even that small a room.
So I’m not sure I can get on board with the narrative that a smaller room is automatically worse, or likely to make a child feel not part of the family or need people to feel sorry for them. Unless this is a Harry Potter situation, practical decision making must win over “but I already promised my spoiled child something ridiculous and unreasonable so now we are stuck with it”.
He’d see reason or he’d see himself out, if I were in OPs shoes. His whole attitude has disaster written all over it.

"If you are paying 50:50 then I can see why he would want the bigger room as he is effectively getting less house for his money than you are."

If that kind of thinking is even entering the head of either one of them, they should not be buying a house together.

"So I’m not sure I can get on board with the narrative that a smaller room is automatically worse"

I mean, a smaller room is generally worse. In the same way though, £8 is worse than £10. But you are still better off with £8 to yourself, than £10 you have to share with someone else.

Your DP has just waved a huge red flag at you, luckily before you purchase the house.

I’d step back from the huge commitment of buying a house together, as it sounds like this is the first of many arguments over how the children are treated.

From what you have described, it sounds like your DP will always want his DD top of the tree, over your 3 DC, so I’d be staying in my own house and not buying with him.

It's insane to give a child who doesn't even live there the biggest room. It's already quite mad to have children sharing and have an empty room most of the time.. but I understand that she needs her own space when she is staying.

Do not inflict this man and his spoilt daughter on your children

The issue of her not living there full time or being your step daughter is irrelevant here. If there are children who have to share a room in any family situation then they should get the biggest room- it’s the trade off for sharing and ensures they still get a similar amount of space to those who benefit from their own room.

Why are you moving in with someone who thinks he's the boss? Why are you accepting his authority? Where is your self respect?

I can see both sides here.

Maybe the daughter feels vulnerable about becoming a blended family, moving in, albeit part time, with anotger family and the more intimate relationship that creates. Maybe she feels unsure of where she will fit in, will she be second best as the part timer.

Maybe your partner never says no because he feels guilty about the break up of his original family ( whatever the reason was), maybe he ferls guilty about giving time, money and energy to kids who arent his, maybe he feels this 'takes away' love and time from his daughter.

Of course the bigger room shoukd be the shared room looking at the situation objectively. Your chikdren might feel pushed out.

Honestly, my advice would be not to move in together. He’s already dictating and you’re not move in yet. You’re dreading living with his DD. I’d imagine your DC have their own misgivings.

Wait till the children are grown before moving in. If your DP is insisting on this too please pay attention, it’s likely to get worse.

Honestky? You would be mad to get involved in this move and cruel to set your kids up for a life of playing these second best games with his spoiled daughter.

you'll never change their dynamic and you'll always be arguing and miserable. You (and more importantly your kids) deserve better.

I'd rethink buying a house together, if you can.

she should get a smaller room, one because she isn’t sharing, and two because she isn’t there full time.

Thanks guys it’s been really interesting reading all your responses. It literally triggered me to speak to him about it immediately.
Just for reference all the children are girls and range from 10 to 21. I also want to add that I don’t dislike his daughter but I dislike her behaviour at times.
Financially we are even in every aspect.
Having spoken to him, it was clear there was a misunderstanding between us but he also wasn’t aware of how upset this was making me. It’s a natural instinct to get defensive over your children so raising certain issues have always been hard for me. I’m fully aware blending our family will have some ups and downs and my partner is a good guy. Who loves his daughter and my kids too. He was upset that I’m upset and understood that sometimes he’s does and says things forgetting as having a bigger family for him is something he’s getting used to as well.

We are planning on extending the house, the room situation would only be a short term fix.

That's absolutely madness to have the sharers in a smaller room and a part time member of the household hogging a big room. I've a funny feeling that even if you proposed one of the sharers used her room when she isnt there, he would forbid that too.

He "won't have it"? Tell him you won't have it! Don't be so passive! How can he possibly justify it?

If you can't agree you need to ditch the house and look for a 5 bed. But to be honest I would totally rethink buying together. He's making very clear that your kids will always be marginalised so his kid can have the best of everything and he doesn't care how onvious that is. How horrible for them.

Sounds like a great outcome.

So he's telling you that his DC is more important than yours. I wouldn't buy a house with him.

Your DC will have a worse quality of life crammed into a smaller bedroom whilst his only DC gets a bigger room and she's not even there much. What message is that sending them? And you are paying for this. No.

This othering will continue when you move in. They will never be equal to him.

Sorry just seen your update but until you have the extension, I stand by everything I have said.

If he is still adamant his daughter gets the bigger room and yours share in the meantime, the issue is the same. What is he saying was a "misunderstanding"?

Bloody hell, disagreeing now before you have even moved in together does not bode well for the future. Can you not just live separately and move in together when the children are older?

I wouldn’t move in with him if he doesn't budge on that - it will create feelings of inequality among the kids and could turn your house into a war zone. It also shows he thinks your kids are less important. I think you will have a difficult few years ahead if he doesn’t learn how to parent his child and teach her about fairness.

It's very obvious that the 2 children sharing a room should have the biggest bedroom.

Maybe his daughter could choose - she either shares the bigger bedroom with someone or chooses one of the smaller bedrooms to have on her own. I know which option she will pick!

So he tells his daughter she will be having one of the smaller rooms until the extension is done. It sounds as though he's trying to placate you by saying yours will only have to share until the extesion happens if it ever does.

Do you have a link, fancy a laugh. Imagine all the poor hard done by children that gave to share 🤣

This.

Obviously, the kids who are sharing, how ever long for, would get the biggest room.
Really unfair and unacceptable that his daughter should get it alone. This would put me off buying with him.