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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New house - who gets biggest room?

335 replies

Catseyes2025 · 29/03/2025 09:14

So in the process of buying a new house with my partner. I have three children and he has one. The new house has 4 bedrooms. 2 good size and 2 smaller. He wants his daughter to have the second biggest room. She does not live with us full time, she lives with her mum. I don’t feel this is fair as my two youngest will have to share a room and now it looks like they will have to share a smaller room. This is totally grating me. He won’t budge on this as he says he’s promised her this room because she wanted it. I will be honest his daughter rarely gets told no. I guess it’s the joy of being an only child. I’ve really struggled with this as she has become quite entitled and really can’t handle if she doesn’t get her own way.
I literally don’t know how to handle this and tbh I’m dreading having to live with her - any advice would be greatly appreciated

OP posts:
alwayslearning789 · 29/03/2025 10:06

Catseyes2025 · 29/03/2025 09:14

So in the process of buying a new house with my partner. I have three children and he has one. The new house has 4 bedrooms. 2 good size and 2 smaller. He wants his daughter to have the second biggest room. She does not live with us full time, she lives with her mum. I don’t feel this is fair as my two youngest will have to share a room and now it looks like they will have to share a smaller room. This is totally grating me. He won’t budge on this as he says he’s promised her this room because she wanted it. I will be honest his daughter rarely gets told no. I guess it’s the joy of being an only child. I’ve really struggled with this as she has become quite entitled and really can’t handle if she doesn’t get her own way.
I literally don’t know how to handle this and tbh I’m dreading having to live with her - any advice would be greatly appreciated

Glad you have posted OP so you can see the responses to what is rightly bothering you.

Partner you said? Not yet husband?

Stay in your own separate houses, this dynamic does not bode well for family living.

This type of 'Niggle' turns into an absolute Nightmare.

Plus with the financial entanglement of a house in tow? - has the added potential of being devastatingly difficult to come back from.

Significant and deep consideration required.

LBFseBrom · 29/03/2025 10:07

You don't have to live with her, you don't have to buy this particular house. You knew you were getting jiggy with a guy who had a child, that is how it is sometimes. Best not to. I don't blame the girl at all for wanting a decent sized room. You obviously don't like her much, talk about her being 'entitled'. Entitled to what? Cut your losses and go it alone, next time find someone without children or ones who are older/off hand.

Imbusytodaysorry · 29/03/2025 10:07

@Catseyes2025 it all screams disaster already.
I wouldn’t be moving in with him. .
Pull out the sale there is nothing more important for you and your kids then a your security the home needs to be a peaceful safe place .

WinterBones · 29/03/2025 10:07

Good grief, the red flags are flagging.

Do not move in with him.

ClaredeBear · 29/03/2025 10:07

does he have form for this kind of thing and how are other aspects of your life together? In any case, I feel for you and wonder if you can back out of this situation for the sake of your sanity and of course for your children. As others have said, this is just a taste of things to come and whether he’s paying more or not doesn’t really have a baring on the impact these decisions will have.

my opinion (for what it’s worth) is that you should not proceed if he doesn’t change his mind immediately, no matter how much money you will lose. I suspect you’ll feel a lot better once you’ve taken control of the situation.

good luck.

Doingmybest12 · 29/03/2025 10:08

From any of the childen's point of view this situation is not going to be positive if you can't agree between you how best to live together.

ElfAndSafetyBored · 29/03/2025 10:09

I’d rethink this move. His attitude stinks, there’s no logic to his daughter having the second biggest room, he has no respect for your children.

Im sure he feels guilty about not living with his daughter but he needs to deal with that in a way that does not impinge on the rest of you.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 29/03/2025 10:09

The children sharing a room get the biggest room.

ExitPersuedByAPomBear · 29/03/2025 10:10

AthWat · 29/03/2025 09:47

Why can't she feel like she belongs unless she has a bigger room than two other children who are sharing? That's not being sidelined, that's just being treated fairly.
Why on eart do you "feel for his child"? She shouldn't expect anything diffferent.

Show quote history

I completely agree with @AthWat. The stepdaughter will still have her own, albeit a smaller one. It’s just about allocation of space, if two people are sharing then naturally they have a bigger room. If one person has their own room, it would be obvious that they have a smaller room.

anyolddinosaur · 29/03/2025 10:11

Are the youngest 2 the same sex and how old are they?

Children sharing get the larger room, even if they live there permanently and they are all your own children.

Dont buy the house with him.

katepilar · 29/03/2025 10:12

TeenLifeMum · 29/03/2025 09:16

Absolutely not, after the master, the biggest room goes to those sharing (even if his dd lived there 100% of the time). What’s his rationale?

The OP said its because he promised it to her after she said she wanted it.

purpleandcoral · 29/03/2025 10:14

teenmaw · 29/03/2025 09:19

Keep your own house where your children remain the priority. Why you’d even consider buying a house with a man like this I do not know. Advocate for your children, if you don’t now and you go through with this in your terms, you’re all going to end up miserable

This is the best advice here

user6209817643 · 29/03/2025 10:15

The two sharing get the biggest room.
But i agree with PP’s I’d be rethinking the whole arrangement if something so obvious is an issue before you've even moved in.

justkeepswimingswiming · 29/03/2025 10:15

The children sharing get the bigger room.

id refuse to move if he’s going to be like this. Fuck that.

HygerTyger · 29/03/2025 10:15

teenmaw · 29/03/2025 09:19

Keep your own house where your children remain the priority. Why you’d even consider buying a house with a man like this I do not know. Advocate for your children, if you don’t now and you go through with this in your terms, you’re all going to end up miserable

Agree with this. The fact he won't budge on this a sign this won't end well. Prioritise your dc. Also the fact you have very different parenting styles means you will clash more as dc grow up. I have one child, and they get told 'no' plenty. Having a lone child is no for bad parenting.

OnePerkyRedDog · 29/03/2025 10:16

If you can I’d be pulling out on the basis that he “won’t budge”. It’s your and your childrens home too.

Tweedled · 29/03/2025 10:16

I would pull out of the house purchase. This is going to be a disaster if you go ahead.

CoffeeCup14 · 29/03/2025 10:16

I think that if a blended family is going to work, both parents have to look at the needs of all the children, and it doesn't sound like that is happening. I would also expect both adults to be making decisions together, and it doesn't sound like that is happening. So I don't think you are both ready to be blended.

It does seem obvious that the children who are sharing will get one of the bigger rooms, unless there's another arrangement which works. I also think that children who don't live there full time need to feel like they aren't always getting the worst end of the deal - if her mother's house also has step/half siblings she could end up feeling like she has nowhere that she really belongs.

WaryHiker · 29/03/2025 10:17

I feel really sorry for this poor girl. All the adults in her life have failed her. She may well be a spoilt brat, but she wasn't born that way, and she didn't spoil herself. That's a result of the poor parenting she's received.

And now her father wants to move her in with a woman who dislikes her and is dreading having to live with her. That says a lot of things about him, absolutely none of them good.

And you are failing to put your children first by pursuing this situation. It's obvious the answer to your actual question is that the children who are sharing have the larger room. But that's not really the issue. You are preparing to blend families with a man whom you have seen to be a poor parent to his own child. What makes you think he's going to be a better role model to your children? And why should they be forced to live with him and his daughter?

Continue to date him if the relationship adds something to your life. But put both sets of children first and stop insisting on blending your families. None of these children have a say in it, and it sounds as though it will be nothing but harmful to all four of them.

Coffeedreaming · 29/03/2025 10:18

Absolutely not. To be honest I’d be rethinking the whole thing.

You sure you want to shackle yourself to him and his daughter? And your children?

recklessgran · 29/03/2025 10:18

Good God OP - of course it's a no. I'd show him this thread and not be buying a house with him. He's showing you that you are not his priority. Believe him!

moveoveralice · 29/03/2025 10:19

I literally don’t know how to handle this and tbh I’m dreading having to live with her

I voted YABU because what you are intending to do is going to be a terrible costly mistake.

If you are paying 50:50 then I can see why he would want the bigger room as he is effectively getting less house for his money than you are. But that doesn't make any reasoning he has right because of course 2 children sharing should get more space.

You have been given a huge heads up OP. I don't blame the girl wanting the bigger room either, it isn't on her to consider your children's comfort. That is on you, and for that reason I would not even think about going ahead with this.

If you do, it is guaranteed you will be back here within the year asking how to reverse this shit show.

AthWat · 29/03/2025 10:20

CoffeeCup14 · 29/03/2025 10:16

I think that if a blended family is going to work, both parents have to look at the needs of all the children, and it doesn't sound like that is happening. I would also expect both adults to be making decisions together, and it doesn't sound like that is happening. So I don't think you are both ready to be blended.

It does seem obvious that the children who are sharing will get one of the bigger rooms, unless there's another arrangement which works. I also think that children who don't live there full time need to feel like they aren't always getting the worst end of the deal - if her mother's house also has step/half siblings she could end up feeling like she has nowhere that she really belongs.

It's not about her not living there full time though. It's about her only being one person, rather than two.

ImmediateReaction · 29/03/2025 10:20

TeenLifeMum · 29/03/2025 09:16

Absolutely not, after the master, the biggest room goes to those sharing (even if his dd lived there 100% of the time). What’s his rationale?

This.

Anyone sharing needs a bigger room.

She will live there part time and so a smaller room for her sole use is just right.

Your partner's a dick. Red flag fir things to come

ExitPersuedByAPomBear · 29/03/2025 10:20

LBFseBrom · 29/03/2025 10:07

You don't have to live with her, you don't have to buy this particular house. You knew you were getting jiggy with a guy who had a child, that is how it is sometimes. Best not to. I don't blame the girl at all for wanting a decent sized room. You obviously don't like her much, talk about her being 'entitled'. Entitled to what? Cut your losses and go it alone, next time find someone without children or ones who are older/off hand.

@LBFseBrom OP literally wrote: I’ve really struggled with this as she has become quite entitled and really can’t handle if she doesn’t get her own way.
I literally don’t know how to handle this and tbh I’m dreading having to live with her - any advice would be greatly appreciated. Which part of that shows that she doesn’t like the stepdaughter? It’s natural that a young person who doesn’t need to share because they’re an only child would find it difficult living in a blended household. Their feelings are valid. It’s not easy to share or compromise if they don’t want to and usually they don’t have to. This is why parenting is very important. OP’s partner/husband is feeling guilty that his daughter isn’t there all the time and so has given her the ability to chose the room that she wants without a thought of her having to compromise and have a smaller room so her step-siblings can share and have a slightly more bigger room. This will create unfairness. And him not budging and not willing to have a discussion is a huge red flag 🚩.