Different wedding invites for bridesmaids partner

[Sunnyheart]

Hello all,

I wanted some opinions on this situation.

I am a bridesmaid for a friend this summer, and received the official invite to the wedding yesterday. When I went to respond on their wedding website, my partner and I had different tabs for our RSVP. I am listed as attending the whole day ( lunchtime ceremony, afternoon reception which includes sit down meal & speeches etc, and evening do) however my partner was listed as only attending the evening do. I messaged my friend to check this was right and in fact he is able to attend the ceremony ( which finishes at 1) and the evening do from 7pm.

Am I being unreasonable to find this strange ?
My partner and I totally understands costs etc and limits to numbers, but part of me does find this rude.

We will need to travel and stay over night in order to attend, and as the venues are slightly out in the sticks it would be logistically a pain for my partner to go back and forth between a hotel and the venues.

I will caveat by saying that my friend hasn't met my partner even though we have been together for 3 years, as my friend has lived across the country for years now. We are very much firm friends and we have known eachother since college, but not as close day to day as we once were and don't see eachother for months at a time.

My partner doesn't really want to attend which I totally understand , although I would love to have him there ofcourse ( and for selfish reasons it would be much more ideal as I don't feel comfortable driving the distance so it will be the cost of a train there and back , looking at close to £100)

Thank you all.

A ridiculous "rule" in this day and age. Many have very long term partners, have children, and never marry. Why should these relationships not be considered a legitimate as those who have decided to spend money to have a wedding? And I say that as a married woman.

This is exactly what I think. I’ve been invited to weddings before and this has been the case purely due to numbers. I found out a few husbands who weren’t going during the day so they met up and went for a few drinks in between. It’s a long day not knowing anyone and I would be perfectly happy either relaxing by myself and going at night for the party or going for a drink with others until the reception

If your partner has never met the bride or groom and won't know anyone else at the wedding, I can see why it makes sense for him to have an evening invite as you will be busy with bridesmaidy stuff during the day. Some people (like me) think the most important part of a wedding is the ceremony so would like an invitation to that. It's up to you and your DP whether you accept or decline but I wouldn't see it as a big insult, he could decide to just come for the evening do.

Also, PP saying bridesmaids are "working" and so can't hang out with their partners... Sorry but what are you expecting from your bridesmaids on the day of the wedding? I've been a bridesmaid three times, the vast majority of any "work" was pre-ceremony. After you walk down the aisle for your bride, you have the prerequisite group photos and then after that you mainly just keep an eye on her to make sure she's OK throughout the day, getting her water or helping her with her dress in the loo if necessary. But you're not unpaid labour standing at the ready... Or at least you shouldn't be. My bridesmaids were chosen so they could be honoured with me as my closest people, otherwise they too were guests who I wanted to enjoy the day!

It sounds quite a long day, three separate dos!
I guess she's never met him and numbers were limited etc. could he not just linger round in the bar away from the actual bit he's not invited to? Then come back in for the evening bit. Or take a nap at the hotel? I know it sounds a bit of a faff. Or otherwise maybe he'd rather not go.

I guess it's up to him. It's not like you can't say much about the brides choices on her wedding day.

Weddings are expensive and it might be she had to cut your partner from the day to allow someone she knows well to attend. I think the issue is these ‘destination’ weddings where everything takes place in the same remote-ish venue somewhere in the country as evening guests don’t really work in that setting. I would just go myself, break up the drive a bit and enjoy your friend’s day

Weddings are expensive. So don't have three parts to it.

Our Niece invited my Husband & I to the wedding reception only.
We do not see her often, so not a issue.

When we arrived to a meal at the reception, we noticed that our Daughter & partner,Nieces & nephews were placed on a table at the very end of the venue.

Not really happy, as we had traveled almost 400 miles there & back.Due to the seating arrangements had little interaction with our Daughter,Nieces & nephews who we were fond of.

We were seated at a table were we did not know anyone! It all seemed a bit calculated.

We are in our 60s, our Daughter in her 30s thought it a bit off!

The bride sent a email the following month to say thank you for coming/Money gifts.

We chose not to send a reply!

Op my thoughts are you have been invited as a bridesmaid,very poor manners not to invite your Partner!

I would reluctantly attend as a Bridesmaid,like others have mentioned,then revaluate your friendship with the your friend.

Three parts is a totally standard wedding. Ceremony, reception, evening do.

It only becomes a problem when people choose to take offence at being invited to something and see it as setting an expectation on them. I've always taken it at face value; that my presence is welcomed at the ceremony (as it's public anyway if in a church) and for the evening do if it suits me. Not that I'm excluded from the other bit.

If it suits me I go, if it doesn't I dont. But I don't take any pointless offence about being invited.

It’s astonishing to me that anyone thinks it’s okay to leave a guest loitering around having only having invited him to 2/3 of the day! Particularly the partner of three years to one of your bridesmaids!

It would never happen here, because it lacks basic manners, etiquette and being hospitable. The idea any bride can just bypass common decency because it’s “her” day is really next level self absorption to me.

If you can’t afford the wedding then don’t make it so unbearably long and drawn out, consider the comfort of your own guests.

No, it's a problem when you can't actually afford to have a three part wedding, so some people get excluded.
I realise that this is probably a cultural thing and many British people like to have these tiers. Although I've been to 2 Scottish weddings which were fantastic, and everyone was included in the whole wedding.

This ⬆️

Does he know anyone else attending? You will surely be on top table so I'm not surprised they haven't invited him to full day if they haven't met and I wouldn't know who to sit him with either. He's probably best to stay home - surely even living a distance away if you and your friend are that close they would have had an opportunity to meet before now?

It really isn't. Completely normal to have extra people in the evening. And then just a nice gesture to clarify they are welcome to the ceremony as well.

It's only a problem if you take invitations to be a demand on your time for which you should be recompensed rather than just what they are; an invitation you are free to accept or decline.

You're not wrong. I would never have such a big complicated wedding. But sadly there isn't much OP can say other than he won't be coming. I'd certainly hope she wouldn't drop out over it. But yeah, it's certainly not my style whatsoever.

It wouldn’t bother me, I’d enjoy the peaceful interlude at the hotel more than the wedding meal to be honest. I don’t think YABU though, as I think your friend should’ve told you before. Personally, I’d go alone and take it as an opportunity to try out a long drive by yourself.

He could travel with you, attend the ceremony, then retire doe the rest of the day.
Pointless skipping the meal then rejoining for the piss up. No-one has time for a fractured day. Lord only knows why weddings have become such a palaver.

I usually find these split wedding invites grating, but in this case I’d be ok with the set up in your partner’s shoes. Why would he want to hang around watching people take photos and then listen to speeches about people he doesn’t know while sitting with strangers? I’d be much happier relaxing in the hotel room with room service and joining my partner for the evening do.

You know the meaning of the word 'legitimate', right?

Absolutely nothing wrong with extra guests for the evening. Weird and cheap to invite for the ceremony, send them away and then invite them back. Even weirder to do this to one half of a couple 😆

As I said upthread, I wouldn’t.

I didn’t invite family if I hadn’t seen them recently!

Why would he hang around in town centre or hang around a hotel room?

In your case I think that the bride should have talked to you about only inviting you oh to the evening event. I don't think that she thought this true. She wants you there as a bridesmaid but it not worth the cost of having your oh their for the full day.
To be honest I think that she is being cheeky expecting you to be happy with this and still be a bridesmaid. I can see why your oh does not want to go.

Do you really want to be bridesmaid? Do you really want the cost of a hen weekend and all the bridesmaids will pay her cost that weekend? Then you spend the majority of the day helping her out and waiting for your oh to turn up to the evening part of the wedding? Would you be happy to spend that day on your own at the wedding? Would you know the other guests?

I think you should say to her that since I agreed to be your bridesmaid that I would have expected my oh to be invited to the full wedding. How no one else like her mother would have if X is bridesmaid you need to invite her oh for the full day.
Any couple I know would be getting help from parents in regards to the guest list and planning and in some case the parents might be helping them financially with this.

To be honest I would not be buying her an expensive wedding gift after this.

I think it must be cultural. I was raised to include everyone, and if you were invited to a wedding, you were invited. You weren't told what bits you were or weren't allowed to be part of.
I think it's why it seems strange to me.

It's not cheap. It's just extending the evening invitation to the ceremony as well.