Different wedding invites for bridesmaids partner

[Sunnyheart]

Hello all,

I wanted some opinions on this situation.

I am a bridesmaid for a friend this summer, and received the official invite to the wedding yesterday. When I went to respond on their wedding website, my partner and I had different tabs for our RSVP. I am listed as attending the whole day ( lunchtime ceremony, afternoon reception which includes sit down meal & speeches etc, and evening do) however my partner was listed as only attending the evening do. I messaged my friend to check this was right and in fact he is able to attend the ceremony ( which finishes at 1) and the evening do from 7pm.

Am I being unreasonable to find this strange ?
My partner and I totally understands costs etc and limits to numbers, but part of me does find this rude.

We will need to travel and stay over night in order to attend, and as the venues are slightly out in the sticks it would be logistically a pain for my partner to go back and forth between a hotel and the venues.

I will caveat by saying that my friend hasn't met my partner even though we have been together for 3 years, as my friend has lived across the country for years now. We are very much firm friends and we have known eachother since college, but not as close day to day as we once were and don't see eachother for months at a time.

My partner doesn't really want to attend which I totally understand , although I would love to have him there ofcourse ( and for selfish reasons it would be much more ideal as I don't feel comfortable driving the distance so it will be the cost of a train there and back , looking at close to £100)

Thank you all.

I find it ungracious. I'd say your partner is right to just decline -- too much faff and they won't miss people invited to just part of the wedding.

If anybody is deflecting it's you lol. You were trying to "catch me out" by picking on a word in which the context I used it for meant one of its dictionary definitions. I was trying to bring it back to what I assumed was the reason you picked up on it, i.e. in relation to the OP, sorry I misunderstood the point of your post.

Or when @Sunnyheart marries her boyfriend, she could just invite the bride, her friend.

OP’s partner isn’t in their life long term, though. Or in their life at all.

He is by proxy because he is the long term partner of the bridesmaid!

That’s quite a reach.

I’ve been to weddings where I only knew the couple getting married. It’s quite difficult, but I mingled and chatted. However, I wouldn’t want to do that when I didn’t even know the couple. What’s he supposed to chat to people about? His lovely memories of the bride and groom? When people ask “So how do you know Dick and Sally?”, won’t he feel a bit of a prat saying, “Oh, I’ve never clapped eyes on them - they just felt obliged to invite me because I go out with the bridesmaid”?

@Sunnyheart , is the rest of the wedding also a mystery? Has she discussed what you are going to wear, when and where you are expected to arrive? Is there a hen party?

It's really normal to attend a wedding as a plus 1.

Usually, in this situation the bridesmaid, her partner and the bride and groom would meet before the wedding.

I’m not saying it’s abnormal. But not offering guests a plus one is equally normal - and if the plus one can’t even sit with the actual guest, what’s the point? That’s why he’s been invited to the evening do - so he can actually spend time with the OP.

No, he's been invited to the ceremony and the evening do. Not the reception. That's rude.

So? He doesn’t have to go to the ceremony just because the offer’s there.

He HAS been invited to the evening do, so your “No” is incorrect.

Precisely! They would meet before!

Exactly as a start to getting to know each other. I presume you wouldn’t choose someone to be bridesmaid who you didn’t intend to be a life long friend

this is like cutting off chances. My best friend would be interested to meet my partner on her wedding day as he is part of my life..it would be lovely. The bride and groom usually circulate tables and talk and be introduced to people like partners. This just says “you don’t matter to me” - made much worse by not discussing it first and explaining

Or 'oh, I live with Julie, who's one of the bridesmaids. Her and Sally go way back, they've been friends since college days.' Followed by something like 'don't they all look lovely?' Or something similar.

Sounds a bit more normal when it's spun that way, doesn't it?

But that would be because either you didn't know the guest that well, or because you had had a conversation before hand. It's very odd to ask somebody to be a bridesmaid, but not have a conversation about their plans for the day.

When we got married there were quite a few people we both hadn’t met, mostly partners of good friends/cousins we hadn’t seen for a while, one was my brothers new girlfriend who is now my SIL of many many years.

I think it’s just rude not to invite a bridesmaids serious boyfriend, if someone is your bridesmaid they must be important to you, and in extension their partner too. Quite possibly they will both be your life for many many years and why not be optimistic on this most romantic and optimistic of occasions?

unless of course the bride somehow knows the boyfriend is a huge pain in the backside, but even then you mostly suck it up for your beloved friend.

Unlike many MNers, I do like a wedding.
I like chatting to people. I will include people I've not met before. I love a dance. I am generally there to see someone I love marry someone they love.

However even I wouldn't want to go to the wedding of someone my dh used to know, if he were best man, where I didn't know anyone at all apart from dh.

As obviously I wouldn't be with him

• during the morning;
• the gathering before the ceremony
• after the ceremony
• during the photos
• or during the meal.

That's with me being quite extroverted and happy to chat with new people for a while.

I'm amazed at all the people who think this would be enjoyable for OP's partner.
OP should just go on her own.

It really is very, very normal to not invite anyone you haven't even met to your wedding.

Where I live, you're either invited or not, noone is ever invited to only parts of the wedding so to me it seems pretty rude in any case, but in this situation I think I'd leave the partner at home. You will be busy with the bride the majority of the time so not spending time with him anyway, does he know anyone else going?

But why would you be desperate for your partner to do this, just so you could see him at the evening do - that he was invited to anyway? Madness.

Well what’s that got to do with the price of fish?

I think it’s just rude not to invite a bridesmaids serious boyfriend, if someone is your bridesmaid they must be important to you, and in extension their partner too. Quite possibly they will both be your life for many many years

But not important enough for them to have met him even once in the last three years?

Quite possibly they will both be your life for many many years

But not met up even once in the last 3 years ?

Your husband hasn't been invited to a wedding that he doesn't want to go to, of someone he's never met. There's no point getting offended about this.

This. Or don't be bridesmaid and you both attend the evening do together.

Weddings are tricky. I understand why they might not invite someone they’ve not met to all aspects of the day but equally, if you’re a bridesmaid it seems strange to leave him out. I think wedding planning can sometimes bring out the worst in people so if you value this friendship and don’t wish it to end over this then take it on the chin, even if it feels a little hurtful, and maybe go alone.