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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Different wedding invites for bridesmaids partner

236 replies

Sunnyheart · 29/03/2025 08:14

Hello all,

I wanted some opinions on this situation.

I am a bridesmaid for a friend this summer, and received the official invite to the wedding yesterday. When I went to respond on their wedding website, my partner and I had different tabs for our RSVP. I am listed as attending the whole day ( lunchtime ceremony, afternoon reception which includes sit down meal & speeches etc, and evening do) however my partner was listed as only attending the evening do. I messaged my friend to check this was right and in fact he is able to attend the ceremony ( which finishes at 1) and the evening do from 7pm.

Am I being unreasonable to find this strange ?
My partner and I totally understands costs etc and limits to numbers, but part of me does find this rude.

We will need to travel and stay over night in order to attend, and as the venues are slightly out in the sticks it would be logistically a pain for my partner to go back and forth between a hotel and the venues.

I will caveat by saying that my friend hasn't met my partner even though we have been together for 3 years, as my friend has lived across the country for years now. We are very much firm friends and we have known eachother since college, but not as close day to day as we once were and don't see eachother for months at a time.

My partner doesn't really want to attend which I totally understand , although I would love to have him there ofcourse ( and for selfish reasons it would be much more ideal as I don't feel comfortable driving the distance so it will be the cost of a train there and back , looking at close to £100)

Thank you all.

OP posts:
MasterBeth · 29/03/2025 09:41

Sounds like you want him there as your driver...

RosesAndHellebores · 29/03/2025 09:42

A partner of three years to a bridesmaid gets a full invitation imo. Personally I think partial invitations of guests of tiered importance are discourteous.

Evening invitations for work colleagues or neighbours/staff are fine although I don't entirely agree with a separate evening do.

This all smacks of an event wedding that the couple can't really afford. If you can't afford it for all your guests, you can't afford it.

Pinkl · 29/03/2025 09:44

In this situation where he doesn’t know the couple as the bride I would have asked you what he’d prefer because if he attends the whole day he’d be on his own as you’ll have bridesmaid duties. To me it makes sense for him to come along in the evening unless he does know some mutual friends.

AliBaliBee1234 · 29/03/2025 09:45

I would never have done this especially with you being a bridesmaid. Did she give any further explanation when you questioned it?

Gloriia · 29/03/2025 09:46

'I don’t think the bride and groom have done anything wrong in not inviting someone they haven’t met'

But it really is social etiquette to invite partners of friends even if you havent met. Particularly if they are your bridesmaid .

I'd go alone op. What a shame though, they book these in the sticks venues then expect folk to twiddle their thumbs for hours until they're allowed in. Rude.

Whoarethoseguys · 29/03/2025 09:46

Deerrobin · 29/03/2025 08:48

I don’t think the bride and groom have done anything wrong in not inviting someone they haven’t met. Equally, no issue with him choosing not to go if he’d rather not attend on that basis.

In this case I disagree. She has asked her friend to be a bridesmaid. She is travelling and will have to stay overnight somewhere remote the least she could do is invite her partner.

What is the point in inviting him anyway if he has to find somewhere else to eat half way through the day? If it was in the middle of a city that is doable less so in the venue OP described

I understand about cutting costs but the bride should have made this clear when she asked OP to be bridesmaid then she could have made her decision based on that

DappledThings · 29/03/2025 09:47

This all smacks of an event wedding that the couple can't really afford. If you can't afford it for all your guests, you can't afford it.
I don't get this attitude either. Maybe they can't afford to invite people they've never met to the reception. Fair enough. So they are extending an additional invitation they don't need to to the evening. Why is it better to just not invite him at all? Or to invite him in place of someone they actually know? Or have a wedding at a cheaper venue so they can include people they've never met? It's bizarre.

Hoppinggreen · 29/03/2025 09:49

We had no +1 for our wedding unless we knew the +1
Its up to the wedding couple really, but its probably best that your partner not come at all or spend the day in the hotel and/or surrounding area and just join you in the evening if thats legistically possible.

BIossomtoes · 29/03/2025 09:50

DappledThings · 29/03/2025 08:51

I've never understood the outrageous at these things. DH and I had an invite like this once. He went to the whole day. I had an afternoon chilling out in the hotel and joined him later. It was nice.

This. If I were him I’d happily spend the day pottering about and just go in the evening.

Cheesetoastiees · 29/03/2025 09:52

I couldn’t get worked up by it saying as she hasn’t met your DP. I don’t think you need to overanalyse your friendship or anything (I mean she’s friends with you and valued you enough to be bridesmaid, she’s never met your partner). Be nice if she could have invited him but weddings are expensive and she probably has got closer friends she’s had to choose over him.
Either you go with your partner and enjoy the evening and he can relax during the day or you go alone and celebrate your friends marriage.

Original poster
Sunnyheart · 29/03/2025 09:52

Thanks all, it's good to hear others opinions on this as I have only been to a few other weddings which were small and more informal ( party at home afterwards or meal out with the guests after registry office ) so not sure what is considered standard.
My friend didn't give any further explanation when I confirmed the online RSVP was correct.
It is true that my partner wouldn't know anyone else at the wedding.

OP posts:
katepilar · 29/03/2025 09:55

Was it a mistake?

Original poster
Sunnyheart · 29/03/2025 09:56

katepilar · 29/03/2025 09:55

Was it a mistake?

I thought initially but it was correct, just evening do and ceremony for partner

OP posts:
Caroparo52 · 29/03/2025 09:56

You have 2 choices. Ho on your own. Or as the invites dictate.

mewkins · 29/03/2025 10:00

I don't know at what point in time this became ok. It's crazy to me. You're her bridesmaid and the invitation should extend to your partner. If they can't afford to include people's partners then they need to scale their wedding back.

cryingandshaking · 29/03/2025 10:00

I think it’s a little rude - acceptable perhaps but not something I would do. My dear friend initially only invited me to her wedding and not DH (she knows him fairly well and her now husband came to our wedding several years prior). I decided I’d still go and act normally, so as not to upset her, though in the end she invited him without being asked. We both went and had a great time.

In your shoes, I’d be tempted to “return the favour” if you end up marrying your partner. That’s because I’m petty though!

Jessbow · 29/03/2025 10:02

she's invited him to watch you 'do your bit' as a bridesmaid, then invited him to join you when your duties are done,
and you and he are free to dance etc

Im sure he can fill the time inbetween.if he cant, dont go

Coconutter24 · 29/03/2025 10:03

My partner doesn't really want to attend which I totally understand , although I would love to have him there ofcourse ( and for selfish reasons it would be much more ideal as I don't feel comfortable driving the distance so it will be the cost of a train there and back , looking at close to £100)

Your partner doesn’t want to go, the bride doesn’t want to invite someone she doesn’t know so where’s the problem? Stop being selfish it’s not your day. If I was the bride I would of invited your partner as you’ve been with him for 3 years but the logistics of transport is not a reason to invite someone to a wedding

Gloriia · 29/03/2025 10:03

Hoppinggreen · 29/03/2025 09:49

We had no +1 for our wedding unless we knew the +1
Its up to the wedding couple really, but its probably best that your partner not come at all or spend the day in the hotel and/or surrounding area and just join you in the evening if thats legistically possible.

The op is a bridesmaid though. Surelt you'd have a concession to your no partners rule if the person was part of the bridal party?

Summerlilly · 29/03/2025 10:06

I think it’s a little rude, mostly because you are bridesmaid. But they have probably done him a bit of a favour.
Think of it from his point of view though. He won’t know anyone and you’ll be busy with the wedding and all it entails.
He should go to the evening do of the wedding, it’s a time when he can finally met your friend and it’ll be a little less awkward for him since your duties will mostly be completed.
Hanging out and relaxing in the hotel for the morning doesn’t sound that bad.

FuckityFux · 29/03/2025 10:08

If she doesn’t budge in this, I’d re-think being her bridesmaid tbh.

Agreeing to be a bridesmaid is a FAVOUR to the bride not you. She needs to return the favour by including your partner in the whole day.

DaisyChain505 · 29/03/2025 10:13

YOU are important to the bride, she has never met your partner and if you were so concerned about them creating a friendship you would have introduced them long ago.

The bride has never met your partner and as you’re a bridesmaid your attention and energy is going to be elsewhere for the day which would essentially leave your partner stood alone all day.

Leave him at home and enjoy your day with your friends.

Namechangetry · 29/03/2025 10:13

Only friends we had both met got an invite to our wedding. To celebrate us as a couple, guests first need to know us as a couple.

Lol

Ellie1015 · 29/03/2025 10:15

I think as you are bridesmaids and will have lots of bridesmaid duties then it would be preferable for me and my dh if he only attended in the evening.

I dont think it is unreasonable for any bride amd groom to give evening only invite to someone they have never met even if it is a bridesmaids partner. It will be due to numbers and/ or cost. Either way would rather partner came when I would be able to spend time with him rather than when I am busy with bridal party and would be worrying if he is having an OK time.

yikesanotherbooboo · 29/03/2025 10:15

I have mixed feelings here . If she had a large wedding ie over 100 people and/ or you are being expected to travel to it and possibly stay the night I think that your partner should have been invited for the whole day. In fact, I don’t think ‘evening do’ should really apply for anyone but locals. If however it is a more intimate and possibly mainly family affair and/ or in the area that you all live then different invitations can apply.

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